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#213613 - 03/28/08 01:53 AM i am SO TIRED of not belonging
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2653
Loc: Denver, CO
i never belonged in my family - ask my father, he'll tell you
i never belonged with the guys at elementary school - i wasn't like them - didn't understand them
i never belonged with the girls at elementary school cuz .. well geeze - they were GIRLS
i never belonged in Jr High - if i had, the beatings from the other guys wouldn't have been daily
i never belonged in High School - i didn't do the drugs or alcohol - and certainly not the sex thing
i don't belong here because i can't prove anything really happened. yeah - ok - so i got half pieces of partial memories that maybe kinda sorta might have involved maybe something below the waist. maybe
i don't belong at group cuz i can't understand when guys talk about the nightmares and the anger and the flashbacks - i don't have them - i have nothing that even resembles fake proof - nix.

i just don't belong

and please, no "if you think something happened - then it probably did" or "you belong here cuz we like you" or any other platitudes.

if someone can give me a real reason why i might belong (even though i don't and never will fit in) - i'll consider it.

but don't waste your time - i've been living this life for almost 53 years

i don't belong

#213615 - 03/28/08 02:03 AM Re: i am SO TIRED of not belonging [Re: MarkK]
JustJeff Offline

Registered: 03/19/08
Posts: 262
You belong here in my group "The we don't belong group". You are not alone, there are others like you an me who don't belong. we just don't fit. your "I don't belong" story is exactly like mine. therefore you belong.


#213621 - 03/28/08 02:24 AM Re: i am SO TIRED of not belonging [Re: JustJeff]
johnnymike Offline

Registered: 03/08/08
Posts: 56
Loc: Central Ohio
I can relate to not fitting in. My childhood memories are mostly hidden from me. What I do know are revealed to me in dreams but the way I have lived my life has screamed abused child. My own mother told me that she never bonded with me so I was set aside in the family. I too suffered beatings in Junior high and Senior high. I have never been successful as a male but did not want to be female. I have always been somewhere in the middle. You do belong with the rest of us who do not fit in. The group of not fitting in is larger than you might think.

#213626 - 03/28/08 02:45 AM Re: i am SO TIRED of not belonging [Re: johnnymike]
mogigo Offline

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
You belong because life is hard.

How about that Mark, is "life" too.

That's why you belong



#213633 - 03/28/08 04:21 AM Re: i am SO TIRED of not belonging [Re: mogigo]
hogan_dawg Offline

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
I get you big time. It's such a challenge to get past this thing. But hey, it's trauma - what do you expect? Trauma is really serious stuff. My guess is that you were traumatized pretty bad. It probably only takes about 2 minutes to traumatize an adult for life, maybe 1 minute for a child. I could traumatize a small animal in 30 seconds. Ruin him for life. Trauma messes with memory.

I feel for what you're going through right now. You're very much wanted here with people who've shared your pain.

Man, look, it took me years to accept this was my Father that did this to me. Lots of reasons: He was a caregiver, Father, incest taboos, homosexuality taboos, unwillingness to accept he was a psychopath, mixed signals of love and beatings, blaming me as the family problem, scapegoating...I had REASONS for my denial. You probably had reasons too.

I'm only a few years younger than you. It's just the way it works sometimes and it sucks. PM me if you want, anytime.

I think you belong here because you value truth above all and you carefully want to know what the hell happened to you. You're not reckless with the truth and that makes you a responsible man worthy of friendship with anyone.

Here's a joke I thought you'd appreciate that sort of sums up the CSA memory problem. It speaks to behavior, not the event.

It's a questionnaire.

Do you binge drink at least once a week? Yes
Do you drink after work? Yes. How many drinks? 5
Do you drink at work? Yes
Do you drink before church? Yes
How much alcohol do you buy a week? 100 ounces
Are you an alcoholic? Hell no!


Half pieces of partial memory below the waist? That's sorta how I stared, with just small pieces. Then I gathered more. Looked at pics from childhood. Diaries and journals. Started putting sort of dots on a page. Little facts of life like dots placed all around me. Memory is often a retrieval problem.

Then like one day maybe a few weeks back I connected the dots after 40 years. It can happen to you too.

Belonging is important to you and I'm happy to give you that anytime.

Edited by hogan_dawg (03/28/08 06:57 AM)
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

#213691 - 03/28/08 02:09 PM Re: i am SO TIRED of not belonging [Re: hogan_dawg]
moonlight Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 4
Loc: England, UK
Yes, Mark, I know what you mean. There are a number of sites like this on the Internet and they seem to have members who have “Flashbacks” and you can’t say this to them or can’t say that to them, because it will “Trigger” something, ect. But child abuse doesn’t affect everyone in the same way. At one extreme, you get the sexually abused little boy who grows up to live a near normal life. They are able to socialise and make friends with the opposite sex and get a girlfriend and get married and have children, ect and at the other extreme, there are people like me, who grew up (in a manner of speaking, anyway) unable to trust anyone or to form relationships or live any kind of a normal life. For people like me, there would never be a girlfriend; or a wife; or any children of my own.

I don’t have “flashbacks” and don’t suffer from things that “trigger” childhood memories. I don’t have to remember any of it, simply because I’ve never forgotten it. I live with the memories day and night. As I explained in my debut posting “Dark Enchantment”, I can remember back to what was happening to me as a three year old boy. But there were almost certainly things happening to me of a sexual nature long before then….as a two and a half year old…a two year old…and maybe even as an eighteen month old toddler and that’s over sixty years ago.

Also, child sexual abuse, despite what has happened to certain people, is not all about an adult grabbing a little child, tearing their clothes off and raping them with much force and violence. It can happen without force of any kind when the child is very young indeed and comes to accept what is going on between him and the man (or woman) as quite normal and very enjoyable. It’s only as he grows older and into adult hood that his earlier experiences have a very disturbing affect on his mind.

I have no family and I know that I will die alone and unmissed and that when my time comes, there will only be three people at my funeral…the undertaker; the gravedigger and me. If you can live with that terrible realisation and somehow accept it, you are a lot braver than you think you are.

#213749 - 03/28/08 07:45 PM Re: i am SO TIRED of not belonging [Re: moonlight]

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 983
Mark, you belong here. Because a lot of us neaver fit as a child or while in school. We were the out siders most of the time.
I was the red headed kid with freckles, that every one picked on.
As far as not haveing compleate memorys. Maby you should be grateful. Because I rember to much. I was raped in Houstion TX, in 1977 in a hotel.To this day I have trouble when I travle .
I have flash backs of a sort . When I have stayed in hotels I go into a room ansd I get a flooding memory of being raped . I can still hear his voice and smell him
The person that did this was another GI . I had to ride back to Ft Hood with the SOB. I should of reported his ass as soon as I returned to post. But I was I was afraid of him. He was the personal NCO of the 553rd S&S battalion. and I was an Private.
I waited a couple of months and then I told my squad leader. I was told to get over it .
You neaver get over it.
You do belong here. That is why this gruop of men exist.
Is so thet we can talk to someone who understands what we live with every day. Because I have ben there. Without haveing ben there No one could understand what it is to be a male survivor.



"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

#213751 - 03/28/08 07:51 PM Re: i am SO TIRED of not belonging [Re: OKIE MIKE]
mogigo Offline

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey Mike, they call them "Gingers" now according to my daughter. Me too, red hair, freckles. There seems to be alot of us on the site.

Maybe were just too attractive lol. Good and bad eh.

Stay strong


#213754 - 03/28/08 08:21 PM Re: i am SO TIRED of not belonging [Re: mogigo]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 01/28/08
Posts: 2615
Loc: Central PA
Bit of some ginger here too. In the right light it really stands out, and it's definitely visible in the facial hair. My daughter got the gene's, she's got awesome pumpkin orange hair.

#213826 - 03/29/08 02:26 AM Re: i am SO TIRED of not belonging [Re: JustScott]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2653
Loc: Denver, CO
i have no freckles
or red hair
more places i don't belong


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