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#213723 - 03/28/08 05:23 PM New Guy Looking For Advice
JDrock Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/28/08
Posts: 12

Hi all,

I am hoping for a bit of advice from your collective wisdom. I will explain a little bit about myself first.

I was sexually abused by my father when I was about 11. I sort of knew something was wrong all of my life but it was not until I was 20 that I fully consciously realized and even then I have not really identified it as the cause of my problems until recently.

My symptoms are the following:

Low self-esteem
Distorted image of myself - I have a condition called body dimorphic disorder
I do not feel masculine or partially strong.
I have problems being around other people abd making relationships with new people
I have anxiety
I am confused about my sexuality

The incident occurred when I was TV with my dad. I got an errection when a woman came on the TV and my penis showed through my pajama bottoms. My father then joked 'what is this' and began to tickle my genitals for about 10 seconds before I asked him to stop. This was the extent of the incident. I have read many stories about the extent of the abuse other people suffered and my experience is relatively mild compared to those experiences but it still caused a huge trauma for me. I had an immediate reaction to the event, feelings of vulnerability, shame, guilt that I suppressed. I became withdrawn and introverted and now at 26 I am watching the best years of my life pass me by sad and miserable. My friends are getting married and settling down and I still feel immature and unmanly.

What would you guys recommend in order to help me recover and develop a strong sense of self? Are there any particular techniques that help you release and let go of those traumatic feelings. What about books for men?

Thanks in advance.


#213729 - 03/28/08 05:48 PM Re: New Guy Looking For Advice [Re: JDrock]
Muldoon Offline

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
JD I would recommend doing lots of reading here. There are some articles on the Home page that may help. It is good that you are dealing with this at a young age.


Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

#213730 - 03/28/08 05:50 PM Re: New Guy Looking For Advice [Re: JDrock]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills

A first bit of advise is to find a good therapist to talk to about this. In the bookstore link on the main webpage there are several fine books. One of my favorites is "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew. It's one of the first books I'd read on the subject early on in my recovery and it's one of the most definitive books on the subject.

The symptoms you are exhibiting are fairly classic and should be discussed with a professional who can help you work through them.

Take good care of yourself,


I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

#213731 - 03/28/08 05:51 PM Re: New Guy Looking For Advice [Re: JDrock]
simonsurvives Offline

Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 58
Loc: California, Fresno
Well I think that first off we all face our own demons and I do not think that you should minimize the pain that you have felt because others have seen more. One good thing to do more then anything is getting a (T) Therapist. Writing down feelings and expressing them like you are today is another helpful thing you can do. For you though unique things that fit more then me telling you what I feel helps me. For example i feel free when I workout, this may not be what your consider fun or free. Something else though might help you that make you feel safe or free. Explore things that you like and want in your life that you enjoy. This can help ground you in things that you know are your and no one else can take them away from you, because so much was originally. The last part of my advice would be do not rule out the fact that your Father just stopped and touching your genitals. Most perps do not just stop. I hope you got something out of this. Thank you for sharing

#213736 - 03/28/08 06:26 PM Re: New Guy Looking For Advice [Re: simonsurvives]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1677
Loc: Moscow, Russia

Glad you found us.

Feel free to ask moderators questions.

As other guys said, read the articles and take your time on the board.

Take care,

When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

#213738 - 03/28/08 06:37 PM Re: New Guy Looking For Advice [Re: simonsurvives]
moonlight Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 4
Loc: England, UK
I also think itís a good idea to write or type things down. Since first having a computer ten years ago and learning to type, I have found it very therapeutic to type down all that I remember about what happened to me regarding being sexually interfered with when I was a child and how I felt at the time it was happening. It doesnít eradicate memories like waving a magic wand, but it does help me to come to terms with it all.

In fact, when I first started having weekly therapy sessions with the same male therapist that lasted for two years, I recall him asking me to tell him what happened between myself and the man and I told him I couldnít tell him but I could type it down. So he had me type it down when I got home and then he read it at the next session and discussed the points of it with me. I recall him asking me how I felt when the man was playing with me sexually and I told him that I felt very uncomfortable and he told me that the reason for my feeling very uncomfortable was because I wasnít in control of the stimulation as I would have been if Iíd been doing it to myself.

Maybe this is why you felt so uncomfortable at the time. You were very embarrassed that your father, of all people, noticed you were sexually aroused, because the fact that you could have sexual feelings was something you wanted to keep secret from everyone and that only you should know about. Then, when your father began to tickle you there (he may have done more, but only you know the truth of that), you felt very uncomfortable, because you werenít in control and added to that, it was your own father doing it to you. Thankfully, he must have thought enough of you to stop doing what he was doing when you told him to stop.

I can quite understand the memory of that event of so many years ago disturbing you so much to this day. Here is a tip that may help. Pretend you have gone to see a therapist and then, playing both parts, type down an imaginary, but historical factual conversation between him and yourself over what happened and how you felt about it at the time and how you feel about things today. Then, using that conversation with the imaginary therapist, try to get to the bottom of why this childhood event made you feel the way you do today. For instance, have you a fear of forming a relationship with someone in case, when the relationship becomes sexually intimate, you canít bear them to touch you down there because it reminds you of your father touching you all those years ago?

When the imaginary therapist asks you a question like that, sit back and think long and hard about the answer you are going to give him before you type it. This way, you will come to understand yourself better. The only other real alternative is to see a real therapist. But it would have to be the right one, or you wouldnít be able to open up to him.

#213742 - 03/28/08 07:04 PM Re: New Guy Looking For Advice [Re: moonlight]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Stephen5 beat me to it. "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew is the best.

I dont think you are being at all fair to yourself (or realistic) in comparing "severity of abuse." What happened to you was traumatic and effected you...period!

#213744 - 03/28/08 07:22 PM Re: New Guy Looking For Advice [Re: Still]
JDrock Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/28/08
Posts: 12

Thanks for the warm welcome and advice guys.

In regards to your comments moonlight, I think the thing that really affects me is just the shock and feeling on vulnerability because of it. I am certain it was only the one time and I do not really consider my dad a pedophile he just made a very big mistake by responding to something he did not instigate in an extremely inappropriate way.

The result is, however, when sitting or lying down my hands and arms are always covering my crotch and my legs crossed over each other, sometimes I even lean forward to give extra protection! It is just this extreme violation of my personal boundaries that has caused disassociation and all the other problems I mentioned. I just remember how intense the feelings were and the shock. It is almost as though these feelings have become infused on my sub-conscious and are always causing low levels of anxiety, feelings on vulnerability and shame. I also think this feeling of not being in control, as you suggest, is part of the problem regarding my feelings of not being strong or confident.

Thanks again and Iíll check out that book.

#213825 - 03/29/08 02:24 AM Re: New Guy Looking For Advice [Re: JDrock]
dannym Offline

Registered: 03/25/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Hey JD - welcome! You have come to a very wonderful place. I hope you find a lot of help here - I certainly have.

The Mike Lew book is excellent - Another I have found helpful is "Abused Boys" by Mic Hunter.

It does not matter if the incident happened once or a hundred times... you were abused and the impact is something we all understand. Know that you are not alone - all the men here understand...



"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

#215876 - 04/06/08 07:23 PM Re: New Guy Looking For Advice [Re: JDrock]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Hi JDrock,

I have given a full answer under your query about BDD.

In addition to counseling and EMDR, I have done a bunch of reading on abuse, especially abused boys. Some of it is depressing and feeds back into my depressive syndrome, so I don't go with it.

One thing particularly helpful that I haven't heard anybody else mention, was the use of DVDs in healing. I have found about 6 that really get down into where I hurt in a good way. I view them a dozen times or so.

The most recent DVD I have been watching is called: Where Eskimos Live. Another is Flight of the Innocent. However, I didn't start viewing DVDs until I had a whole bunch of counseling. But I don't know that it's a requirement. It wouldn't hurt to try.

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