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#212318 - 03/22/08 08:15 PM can we ever find peace?
roxanne Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/22/08
Posts: 16
I am a new member today. I have been reading all your comments and know that I have found my tribe, and there is great comfort in this.
Here's my question to all the wives out there: is relationship really possible with our men? Can both partners ever really be free? Is there anyone out there who has found peace? Is it always going to be 'waiting to exhale'? I need to hear from someone who is further along the road than most of us are. How does it look up there? Are you ok? Is he? Is your relationship?

#212357 - 03/23/08 12:37 AM Re: can we ever find peace? [Re: roxanne]
Lou Offline

Registered: 11/11/07
Posts: 100
Hi Roxanne,

Welcome to MS.

I am fairly new to MS myself.

It was only last September that I came to find out about my BF's CSA as a result of finding gay porn and emails indicating that he was hooking up with men that he met online.

When all of this came to light....I was ready to pack my bags and run...but due to some circumstances beyond my control...I was not able to do that.

Am I glad? It depends upon the day that you ask me. We have had our good days....and we have had our bad days. I am not going to lie to you or try to mislead you into thinking that dealing with any of this CSA is easy....not easy for our men and certainly not easy for us either.

There were many a day in the beginning when I thought oh oh how are we ever going to survive this? But guess what....thus far we have. Of course I also may be more blessed than some as he has admitted his CSA and is taking the initiative to seek whatever help and means he can to come to terms with other words he nor I either one are in denial of what happened to him and how all of that has effected our relationship.

Yes, a relationship is definitely possible with our men. For us, it has meant talking about some things that are very uncomfortable for both of us....but I feel as long as we keep the communication flowing, we will be ok.

I believe for me at least that I am definitely finding more peace in my life. I have a great faith in my Lord and I know that I did not end up in my BF's life by happenstance or circumstance....I know that we truly love each other....the man I fell in love with is still that man....he is just having to take a little detour for now to put some of the pieces of his life back in order again. I have great faith that he will survive all of this and that he will be even a greater man than he was before.

I am taking more of an initiative to take care of me and as a result, I think that perhaps that is helping him. He has his hands, his mind, and his emotions pretty full right now. Don't get me wrong, I am still always here to listen and help whenever I can, but I am trying to focus more on other things besides his CSA, it was as if we both were obsessed. It was to a point that we couldn't even go and have fun on Saturday morning as we both were glued to our computers and MS. I have found that I just have to have more and the one thing that I feel I certainly don't need in my life is one more compulsive addictive behavior! He is responding very well to my needs and I think that in the end it is good for him to get away from it all and have some fun once in a while too...he deserves it!

I am sighing and exhaling less and smiling more. Am I ok, he ok, our relationship ok? We are both very strong people, we both have a great faith, and yes....we are both ok....and I also know that we both can and will be better...we are good people....we deserve it!

You will find peace.


#212697 - 03/24/08 04:37 PM Re: can we ever find peace? [Re: Lou]
LJA Offline

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 35
Hi Roxanne and welcome,

I read your other thread and then decided to post a comment in this one!
I have been watching this thread, and I have found the almost silence deafening. Other than Lou, no-one (myself included) could reply in a positive way to your questions. God, that's so depressing.
I know I asked something very similar in my very first post, and though I received many kind and helpful responses, no one replied and said 'yeah, it is possible, we've done it!'.

The only thing I can think of to give myself comfort about this, is that maybe the only people who regularly use this site are people who are having problems and need help. Maybe the ones who do make it through to the other side and enjoy peace and fulfilling relationships stop coming here.

23 years into this my H and I are far from free. I am not OK. He is not OK. We have neither peace nor the relationship we want. It sucks. But, we aren't giving up. There is a way out of this dark, ugly place and I know its possible to find it. For those who do, I firmly believe the lives they will enjoy will be more fulfilled and meaningful than those of people who have never struggled in the first place. The difficulty for us, the SO's is that we are fairly powerless in this journey.

Not sure that this was at all helpful, but if there's an elephant in the room, I'm usually the first person to say so.


#212700 - 03/24/08 04:56 PM Re: can we ever find peace? [Re: roxanne]
GateKPR4 Offline

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I am a survivor and I did have a wonderful relationship for many years. However she has Multiple Sclerosis and is in later stages and there is no cure. I started dealing with my csa 10/07 after 2 years of therapy. I can only say for my situation that yes you can find peace. She had peace but the revelation of the csa of me, the MS, and us living 3 1/2 hours from each other was just too much.

I am still here is because the site has helped me understand myself and find the true me which is a wonderful experience. I also would like to help others if I can. I have been in some sort of recover since I was 16, I'm now 44. I have a lot of experience with recovery just not csa. I dealt with it and its over. Learning more about me is important and taking care of me is just as important.
Just as taking care of yourself is important, and part of that is finding peace.
Peace is within yourself and you will have to take time for you and care enough about yourself to take time for you. This is not being selfish it is necessity. Nobody can take care of you as well as you can. Ask for what you need. Communicate honestly and openly, its your life too.
This site is a good place to start learning

See if something there will help you find some peace. I know it helped me find peace when I was in a relationship with an abused person.
I nearly lost myself because I thought everything I was doing was wrong but it was not me it was the one I loved and I put that person first. I thought I was crazy but I was not. I had issues but her issues are not mine to own just like your husbands are not yours. you can be supportive just not enmeshed in them.

This is my experience and I'm not sure if it will help but I hope you find what you are looking for.

Edited by GateKPR4 (03/24/08 05:13 PM)
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
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#213358 - 03/27/08 01:07 AM Re: can we ever find peace? [Re: GateKPR4]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Am I glad? It depends upon the day that you ask me.

These two sentences pretty much sum it up *lol* I can happily report though that you will get a positive answer from me on more days than a negative one.

This is not an easy road, but it does get easier as you travel along. You do find peace, maybe not every day, but the comfort that can be found because the two of you learn more about each other than many other couples is actually pretty wonderful. Our guys going through this healing process with us by their side forces an intimacy and knowledge about one another that will either tear you apart or glue you together. It's a hard thing to do, but - I really, truly believe - worth every moment.

Welcome Roxanne

ROCK ON............Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.


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