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#213337 - 03/26/08 11:27 PM My Weekend.
imbroken Offline

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 40
Loc: NJ
I have been going counseling every week. I spent easter weekend alone, as my wife and daughter went to my inlaws. I had told my wife that I needed the weekend to clear my head, be alone and take a break from everything. I really thought this was a good idea, but it turned out not to be. I was isolated. It started off well, but it was the worst thing I could have done. I barely slept. I spiraled down into a deep depression. I had nightmares and a couple panic attacks. I scared myself with my thoughts of worthlessness. I freaked out and sent text messages to my wife about how much of a loser I was and how awful a father I was. I was begging for her to respond. Nothing. I was never so excited to see her come home.

We went to marriage counseling on monday. One of the things my wife said, which took me aback, was that she couldn't understand why I am having panic attacks, nightmares, am a complete mess and can't function now, when I was seemingly ok for 5 years after the attack. I explained to her I wasn't ok for 5 years. I drank, did drugs, had an affair, amongst other things. In addition, I told myself enough times that the attack never happened, that I believed it. I truly didn't think it happened. I said I would never tell anyone about the attack and it would never EVER come out. Now, it has come out and I had to admit to her my worst fear. My deepest darklest secret. I know have to think about it and re-live it. She still doesn't understand. This is really frustrating me.

I know she doesn't read this board. But I love her very much. I really wish she could understad what I am going through.

Edited by imbroken (03/26/08 11:30 PM)

#213351 - 03/27/08 12:44 AM Re: My Weekend. [Re: imbroken]
ericc Offline

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 1986
I am not always the best with advice, but it sounds like you have for the first time really addressed the fact that you were assaulted. Before now, these past 5 years have been a sort of denial the way I understand it. In denial, I think it is easier to suppress some of the feelings and fears, and things do not truly get addressed the way they need to be.

So now that you have opened up, and not only accepted the fact to yourself, but have shared what happened to you with others, the whole denial thing and pretending nothing happened really doesn't work anymore. You are at a place where you need to honestly deal with the problem, and in doing so it is bringing up all sorts of 'stuff' for you. I think most people here can attest that that 'stuff' is often not too pleasant. But I think it really does need to be addressed, whether it is feelings or memories or any sort of response that may get triggered.

The good news is, and I haven't been at this long enough (in my current capacity) to say how it all works (and I think it is different for each of us), that things should get better as you move forward with the healing process and deal with what has happened to you. It will probably take some work and effort, but it should be well worth it. None of us here deserve to have to go through this work and effort, but what choice do we have? I think we all want to lead better and brighter lives that we all deserve.

Anyway, don't be too hard on yourself about thinking you are a bad husband and father. Sure, maybe mistakes were made. But you were put in a really bad 'place' that tends to create a lot of issues for the victim/survivor, as I am sure you are well aware. But you can work to make all this stuff better.

It sounds like you really love you wife, and I think that is a great thing. If you are not already doing so, maybe you can open up more with your wife and let her know how you feel and how important she is to you. If she is willing to listen, you might also able to share some of your fears that are an effect of your assault. If you are both able to work through all this stuff, you might even find that your relationship could become deeper and more meaningful, if that makes any sense?

I hope you can keep working on this stuff and things get better for you. This stuff isn't fun, but denying it doesn't make it any better.


#213354 - 03/27/08 12:56 AM Re: My Weekend. [Re: ericc]
hogan_dawg Offline

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
What he said!

I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

#213924 - 03/29/08 02:49 PM Re: My Weekend. [Re: hogan_dawg]
imbroken Offline

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 40
Loc: NJ
thanks guys. It's hard to open up to my wife. I know she is dealing with the affair and while that is very hard on her, it's asking a lot for her to deal with my issues. I know she wants to help, but when I tell her things, she gets frustrated easily. I can always sense that she has this "just get over it attitude". I know she means well, but she has no idea what i've been through. I wish I could show her something that explains what i'm going through.


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