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#213332 - 03/26/08 10:55 PM picking up the pieces, again
honey girl Offline

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Well, we're back in joint therapy.

It's a good thing.

This latest betrayal was a doozy. Didn't involve sex, I think--I hope?!--but just about everything else (emotional betrayal, deceit, enlisting other parties to cover, pre-meditation, withdrawal, anger....) I also have the feeling that it's not yet all out on the table, either. But we'll see.

The important thing, I hope, is to be talking more honestly, in a more supportive setting again, about what's going wrong and what should be done to address the underlying issues.

As I say this, though, I am really weary of having something like this blow up in my face again. I also wonder if I am not too forgiving by being willing to stay with him and to try to resolve this. It was a very big deal, very painful for me (and extremely badly timed, considering the other, scary, health-related issues of my own I've been handling in the past few days.) I worry that I am setting myself up, again, and willing to overlook too much hurtful behavior for the sake of maintaining this relationship. This is not a pleasant thought, as you might imagine.

We still have made painfully little progress with sex and sexual expression. And maybe I have been too patient. This seems to be a big part of the frustration for both of us, and so for that alone it's important to be in therapy again. Elisha1 (Roger) observed in chat the other day that this latest outburst is a big cry for help, and for the incentive to move I am indeed grateful. I'm not happy that it took something so dramatic, but I am hopeful that we can be more consistent with acknowledging the problem and in turn admitting that we need to pay serious attention to this.

The other potentially promising thing about therapy is to see if we can address some of the issues that I have myself, especially those that seem to emerge in reaction to what BF does (and compound the problem, absolutely). I am not taking on responsibility for him being so obnoxious and hurtful in this instance, but I do think it's not good for either one of us for me to be as protective of him as I have been, and as hesitant for me to be proactive in regards to my own needs and preferences, whether that's related to sex or everything else.

If we don't make it over this mountain, then there's no long-term future for us. I'm not willing to live in a sexless relationship. We both, he and I, deserve to be sexually expressive and loving people. I dearly hope that we can be that way with each other, and I am willing to do a lot to help that happen. But this is a non-negotiable for me, ultimately. Life's too short, and I already spent far too many years in self-imposed celibacy!

Hope you-all are doing better. I will keep you posted. Comments welcome, as always.

Happy Spring!

I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

#213355 - 03/27/08 12:57 AM Re: picking up the pieces, again [Re: honey girl]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey

I don't know what to say. I'm sorry you're dealing with this? I'm happy you're both working on it? I've dealt with the betrayal - twice - and I've sworn to myself that I won't/can't deal with it again. But if it comes (please NO!), what will I really do? I don't know. Given that truth, I'm certainly not going to tell you you're crazy to try again. I am going to tell you though to please be cautious of your head and your heart. You do deserve to be first in your own life. If your b/f truly wants to be a part of it, he must understand that it will not be to your detriment.

I'm glad to see you back HG, just not under these circumstances.

ROCK ON.........Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#213367 - 03/27/08 02:12 AM Re: picking up the pieces, again [Re: Trish4850]
sweet-n-sour Offline

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
((((honey girl)))) You are not alone, we are all walking this path with you. I am sending you my support the best I know how to send it. I'm glad that you are working through this cloud that is fogging your life. I wish you the best, I wish you the most positive of tomorrows, you and the survivor in your life as well.


"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

#214569 - 04/01/08 09:59 AM Re: picking up the pieces, again [Re: sweet-n-sour]
USFbull Offline

Registered: 03/30/08
Posts: 92
Loc: Florida
WOW honey girl, unfortunatly our lives are frighteningly parallel right now. I just try to wake up every day and keep on trucking. Something that gets me through a lot is just making one person smile a day, thanking a veteran, telling the cashier her hair looks nice, holding the door open for someone. Just brighten up, keep trucking, and keep on posting, we are here for you!

Neither fear nor courage saves us.
Unnatural vices Are fathered by our heroism.
Virtues Are forced upon us by our impudent crimes.
These tears are shaken from
the wrath-bearing tree.
~T.S. Eliot~


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