I have come to this community because I have reached a breaking point in my own life for many reasons, far too numerous to name here.
We all have our triggering points and today on the way home from the doctor, I happened to drive past the house at which the abuse occurred.
I rarely ever talk about this in my personal life. My public face is usually quite public for all to see, but there are times where my private life spills over into my spiritual/political life.
And that was in evidence today by when I returned from the doctor and I drove past the house where the abuse transpired. Though they have painted the house a much more uplifting lighter shade of green, the dark shadow of pure evil still lurks behind the green walls and the bedrooms.
I will very tenderly say this. The Hitler figure, the abuser, he is dead. And as much as I would like to believe in a hell, I do not, but if there is hell below, I hope he is in it.
And I was not the only one, either. The trauma of the past week has made me understand what happened exactly. I was forced, by a man, who I will call, Mr. D, to have sex with his two boys, his daughter, his wife, and himself. He watched. He was the ringleader. He was rather like Charles Manson if you read about how he directed his orgies of broken and often sexually abused followers, many of which were women who had been sexually abused themselves.
So it was that I was even forced to have sex with my own sister, who has only now, with the distance of many miles begun to forgive me. It is only now, when I am at a crisis point in my life that I am beginning to remember all of these.
I began to remember last night. I was wired, upset, and details began to filter in. I wished them to stop. My mind conjured up hallucinations. Particles of light flashed before my eyes and I ran to the toilet and vomited profusely.
How I have been aroused, perversely, when motifs of these events which my mind sees as mere shadows and splits into metaphoric bits. How I have been aroused both physically, sexually, emotionally, and sexually.
It took me years to patch this all together and it is only in times of great crisis that I suppose all my defenses were down and I was given the ability to see the reality for what it was.
My brain locked down on this for years and years and did not feel as though I was strong enough to have this kind of realization.
But I know it now. It sickens me. It shocks me. It angers me. It nauseates me. And, even more disgustingly, it arouses me.
I have always had a very high libido and when I am in manic states of personality, my ordinary hyper-sexuality falls into overdrive.
I understand the reasons why I am attracted to both the men and women I have dated and/or slept with over the course of my life. That realization is part of what my subconscious was trying so desperately to shield me from.
So I know this now.
And I'm trying to be okay with it.
With time, I pray that I will.