When I was small I lived in a little apartment with my mother, father, and little sister, until I was ten and my parents divorced. My dad almost never slept in the same bed as my mother, usually opting for the couch instead, or just not coming home at night. I can't blame him for that... my mother was not a fun person to live with. He had been forced into marrying her when she got pregnant with me, and we still don't even know if I was really his child or not. My mother was very promiscuous.
I shared a bed with my little sister because of space restrictions. The apartment was tiny, but it was better than the one we had lived in before my sister was born, when I had to sleep in the bathtub or on the living room floor because there wasn't room for another bed.
Late at night, especially when my father was not home, my mother would take me out of bed and lead me down the hallway into her room and make me get into bed with her. The bed was always empty because my father never slept in it. These were the only times she was ever nice to me... the rest of the time she yelled and screamed and beat me. I had never bonded with her and I felt very little affection towards her, so it was scary and confusing to me when she was kind and loving... but of course, she was only kind and loving to me when she was sexually abusing me. She regularly sold me to strangers for money but that was more of an indirect abuse and she was never kind to me then, but at night sometimes she would take me into her bed or a closet or the bathroom and do things to me herself.
In these times she would be sweet to me and she would pet my hair and call me things like her "beautiful little boy" but none of it made me feel good or wanted. It confused me a lot. She would hold me close and touch me all over... and she would make me do things for her, like go down on her, and things like that. When I was old enough to be capable of it, she tried to make me have real sex with her, but it didn't always work out too well, because I didn't want to and I didn't find her attractive but she would take advantage of my hormones, once I got to that age. Thankfully I left her behind when I was 14 and moved in with my dad but I never forgot about any of that. Now whenever I see a woman naked or sexualized I can't help but think of my mother and it makes me feel ill.
That was not all of the abuse but it was the most shameful to me. It is common to hear of boys being abused by men but it's not so often you hear of mother-son incest except in a joking or not entirely negative light. Sometimes you hear of a teenager having sex with his mom when his hormones take over but in those stories it is usually willing on his part. It wasn't willing for me. I have told very few people in the world about this because I am so ashamed that it happened...
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see
Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea