As I mentioned Tim continued to be my mentor. We were still wearing the white gold rings and he was my counselor in many ways helping me to cope with my new life. Now part of what was confusing to me then and now is that as I became more connected to Tim emotionally and physically, I was not as drawn to other men and even found myself being spontaneously attracted to some women. Something I had not experienced before in my life. I took this spontaneous attraction to women as another evidence of God’s hand in my healing and in what had transpired between Tim and me.
What I have come to understand after years of healing and deep personal work is that my major tool for controlling my sexuality at this time in my life was to be asexual. So with the emotional connection to Tim and some kind of way to just let myself feel my own sexuality without attacking it or myself for being a sexual being; I experienced a wider range of natural sexual feelings. I also experienced a tremendous amount of relief because I was not terrified of being consumed by these feelings or expending an enormous amount of emotional energy to suppress my sexuality completely. This is not to say I was wide open to it, it was just out enough to actually know it existed and that led to these broader feelings of sexual awareness of men and women.
These feelings allowed me to develop a false sense of healing. I believed I would naturally move further and further away from the homosexual feelings as I continued to heal. These ideas were supported if not supplied by Tim. He was the person I was sharing this experience with and he was helping me to interpret my feelings and experiences and supposedly supporting my increase of feelings of confidence and healing. This led me to feeling confident enough to pursue a serious relationship with a woman.
I met and started dating a wonderful Mormon woman. Our relationship grew and continued to deepen over a period of about 6 -7 months. The fact is my feeling for this woman did deepen but there were still parts of my heart she did not have access to and I was quite concerned about this issue. I was concerned that no woman may ever be able to have those parts of my heart and I wondered how fair this was to this woman or any woman. Of course I had many conversations with Tim concerning this issue and how to love a woman. His counsel in this matter was that men like us may never be able to give their whole hearts to women given our backgrounds. But we could give all of the heart we had to give to these women. The question was could I do that? Of course this was put in the perspective of “Father’s “commandments to multiply and replenish the earth and filling the full measure of my creation. I wasn’t completely comfortable with this concept, it just didn’t seem right not to be able to give my wife my whole heart, but if I gave all I could give, wasn’t that enough? I came to accept this idea, so I could be able to tell this woman I loved her without qualifying it.
The next hurdle was do I tell her about my past or not, I thought definitely yes; but that was not the counsel I got from Tim. He said it was a past issue so why bring it up. I didn’t discuss it with other church leaders because I had no idea how to explain what had happened and why I believed that I had been healed of my homosexuality. So against my own better judgment I did not tell this woman about my past and I accepted that I may never be able to give her my full heart. A fact I tried to hide from her but she had a sense that there was a part of me she didn’t have and that was made obvious by my interactions with Tim. We were still wearing the rings. But my relationship with this woman proceeded and I asked her to marry me.
I never thought of marriage as a viable option for healing my homosexuality, marriage was always something I thought I could only do when I was healed. So acting on my false sense of security and healing I proceeded to marry this woman. I did not tell her about my past problems with homosexuality, a fact I have truly regretted ever since. My impending marriage and building a relationship with my future wife led to Tim and me moving even further and further apart. We took off the rings and Tim held both rings for us. I got married in August 1984 almost one year after the ritual on the beach.
A couple of things happened after my marriage. First Tim just disappeared from my life and since my emotional connection to him was one of the things helping me feel more complete and confident in my new “Heterosexuality”, that confidence disappeared with him. I tried to get him to come back into my life but he had moved on to “another commission”; a young blond man in another congregation in the area. He said he was still part of me but it was up to me to depend on “Father” (God). I could not get the emotional connection from my relationship with God that I needed in order to feel secure in my sexuality.
The other thing that happened was that I was being sexual with my wife. As I mentioned earlier one of my coping mechanisms for controlling my homosexuality was to be asexual, but I was now having regular sex with my wife and as a result my complete sexual nature woke up and with it my homosexuality. When my real sexuality woke up it was no longer a passive observer in my life, it demanded my full attention and my old controls just wouldn’t work anymore.
I then entered one of the most painful and difficult periods of my life. I had no idea how to proceed or what to do. I tried going to therapy again but there was no hope offered there (this therapist was supposed to be one of the best in Southern California in the Mormon church for treating homosexuality). I considered suicide on a regular basis at this time in my life.
Tim Cook had disappeared completely and was very hard to get a hold of, if at all. But occasionally I was able to talk to him. I was even able to get him to give me a blessing at the Stake Center. After he was done giving me the blessing he groped me, felt up my crotch and this just shocked me. He knew what I was struggling with and I couldn’t believe he would take advantage of me in this way at this time in my life.
You can't save your Ass and your Face at the same time. (Anonymous)
And given the choice I will save my ass first everytime(STC)