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#212693 - 03/24/08 04:08 PM a little about me...
silent_witness Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/19/08
Posts: 9
Loc: Wales - United Kingdom
Hi everyone, this is me and my messed up story... I have posted on the poetry board (Sentenced to life...) as this is how I first found the courage to write sometime. I am now feeling the time to start opening up and seek some kind of help and assurances. Sorry if it seems a bit jumbled up and confusing... still trying to come to terms with some parts of it.

Having only been registered for a few days it is so so comforting to read other peoples experiences and be able to relate to some. My problem isn't so much the abuse that I encountered, but more the effects it has had on life and the people around me. I don't seem to function in the way that my friends and brothers do. I can't 'connect' with people easily and have real trust issues. I don't sleep, the same old nightmares keep me awake...

My abuse started when I was 8/9 years old. My older cousin invited me into his room one day (when the house was empty) and introduced me to his fun and games. That's how it started.
Although never violent, he made me do things that I would not want to do. I still struggle with the extact details, but as I have only recently 'remembered' the ordeals that I went through -some of it is still locked away in the mess and pain that is in my head.

It has been 23 years since the abuse first started, and what gripes me is that after all these years of not understandig why I am the way I am, I don't know how to deal with it. My relationship with my wife is slowly breaking down (she now knows of the abuse after 7 years of marriage) and I am no longer the person that I was... or thought I was. I somehow feel like the last two decades has been a lie and everything around me is built on false existence of something that was sub-consiously ruling my life.

Anyway, I am sure over time and through the help of counselling, I am sure I will understand more of what happened and hopefully discover the real me... I know this has really changed my life and I can see how as a young child, this has affected how I grew up and interacted with other people. It changed mt life and who I am. As I wrote in my poem, "I have been sentenced to life, but committed no crime".

God bless you all and stay strong. My favorite saying is, for winners never quit, and quitters never win. I'll never quit and one day - I'll win!!!


PS - This site has been a big help to me... thank-you

#212709 - 03/24/08 06:13 PM Re: a little about me... [Re: silent_witness]
Scoutvictim Offline

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Silent witness,

Welcome to MS, I also feel like this site has been a life saver. You have taken the first steps of your recovery. Finding supportive friends is very important, and you have now found about 5000 of them.

It took me 31 years to really come to grips with the effects of my CSA. For most of the last year, I have been visiting this site and made great progress. I hope you will find it as helpful.

I would recommend finding a good therapist (T) in your area. Search for one that has dealt with male survivors. A good T can really help you through many tough times. You may wish to check the homepage for the T list they have posted.

I would also suggest you and your wife may want to do some joint sessions. She is going to need to understand many of the issues you both now face. I'm guessing she may feel a bit betrayed by your silence of the last 7 years. Even though we all grow and change in a relationship, she is seeing a rapid extreme of this normal growth.

You have built a life, not on lies, but on your sense of "known" or "learned" reality. This is a direct result of what your cousin did to you. We all react in different ways to our CSA, but the manifestations usually create a defense system of "walls". These walls can take the form of acting, lieing, isolating or anger.

Once you begin to break down the walls, it will become easier to relate to others. Your friends and family may run, but those who are truley interested in your well being, will stick with you.

Good luck on your journey, and remember you now have many friends here.

Your new friend,

Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

#212717 - 03/24/08 07:03 PM Re: a little about me... [Re: Scoutvictim]
simonsurvives Offline

Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 58
Loc: California, Fresno
Silent Witness,
I like your name. I think it is perfect for what we face all the time and sometimes how we feel. I think that Scoutvictum has done a really good job in conveying a lot about this website and what are steps you can take in your life. One thing I do recommend out of all of this is to find a safe place or haven. Someplace that is yours and for some reason in your mind no one can hurt you. This takes time to find but when you do find it it helps ground yourself a lot easier. Grounding in when we get in our heads about what has happened we push ourselves back into reality to calm ourselves down. My safe haven in the Gym. When I am there I feel alone free connected, and I feel healed in a way. Sorry I tend to ramble. Hope everything you do will help you on your process. Thank you for sharing

#212720 - 03/24/08 07:19 PM Re: a little about me... [Re: simonsurvives]
silent_witness Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/19/08
Posts: 9
Loc: Wales - United Kingdom
Thanks to both you... as you know it is really a big help to know that we can talk to others who have the same and similar experiences and often share advise and feelings.

catch you all again,

Silent Witness

#213312 - 03/26/08 09:52 PM Re: a little about me... [Re: silent_witness]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY

Welcome to Male Survivor! I'm glad you made it here and hope you will stick around for a while. This is a wonderful place share your thoughts and make new friends who understand! I'm looking forward to reading your posts!


Recovery is Possible!

#213327 - 03/26/08 10:35 PM Re: a little about me... [Re: Brian]
hogan_dawg Offline

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
I just told my wife recently and it was very difficult so I can imagine how you're feeling.

Once I told her I sort of expected her to follow in lock step with my claims of abuse (like not to question my assertions) and be super sensitive and empathetic all at once. So naturally with that expectation things blew up a few times. That rigidity and Nazi quality was my own abuse shining through. Wives can trigger and not mean it.

All I can say is that you've told her now. Right. So my bet is that she loves you and she hates that it happened to you but if you keep talking, and opening up rather than closing off, you guys will muddle through.

That's pretty much what we're doing. Muddling. But it's ok, we're solid.

I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003


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