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#212718 - 03/24/08 07:10 PM Trapped and Codependent
VLinvictus Offline

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
For background on my situation, see the "Couples counseling tonight" thread on this board.

I had a decent weekend with my partner (better, now, "cohabitant") but I felt trapped. I felt as if I were being suffocated in really tiny box. I thought about how he will be turning 50 next month and I'm 28. I thought about how could I possibly ever leave him? What would he do? Would he be alone for the rest of his life? Could I abandon him? I immediately felt trapped, that I would be stuck in this relationship for the rest of his life (a good what, 30, 40 years?) by which time I'd be old with my best years far behind me. I felt like I was drowning.

Thankfully, I got out last night for some much needed R&R with a good friend, and I was feeling good today. But then I spoke to him on the phone just now just to check in and see how he was doing and he said he was feeling "blue."

My defenses are weakening. I felt bad. I felt guilty. I felt like I was responsible and to blame for his feeling sad. I felt that I am a horrible person who has harmed and wronged him and made him unhappy.

I'm feeling very alone right now. My boss is out of town today and there's not much to do around the office. I went shopping at an Army & Navy store over lunch time and flirted with the really cute sales clerk, but even that wasn't enough to lift my spirits -- it only hit further home how trapped I feel.

I wish I could run away. If it weren't for the mortgage and the dogs I'd pack up my things and go. But I can't abandon my committment to these animals nor can I reneg on my financial commitment to my partner.

I don't know what I'm looking for posting this: it's good just to reach out across the cybernetic ether to find some kind of connection or support. Any comments gratefully appreciated.

I really want to be sure that I'm not a horrible, awful, evil person. \:\(

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

#212721 - 03/24/08 07:21 PM Re: Trapped and Codependent [Re: VLinvictus]
simonsurvives Offline

Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 58
Loc: California, Fresno
All feelings are valid no matter what you feel. The guilt comes from the lies. The lies inside that have binded us to the people that hurt us. I hate these feelings as well. I can see a lot of confusion in your post and I see that these feelings are all over the place. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be with someone. People do change and it is in this that we have to change with each other. If you personally feel that your partner cannot provide you with this need that maybe it is time to leave. This is all based on what you wrote without more information I cannot help much and i don't mean to pry if I am. At the same time i noticed that you mentioned trapped not just by your partner but your life in general. Your partner is a part of your life and so are your dogs and the morgage and your job. It sounds like maybe a helpful few days off to a vacation spot or a day trip somewhere. I live in Fresno California and that is about 3 hours from San Francisco and one weekend my friends decided that we should go to SF. It was only a day trip but man did we have fun. It gave me a lot of perspective on my life and where I wanted to go with it. Sometimes that can help as well. I constantly feel trapped in my life. Sometimes that has to do with our past as well. Whenever I get close with anyone sexually or emotionally i back off in some way. Sometimes to extremes. Out of this whole thing I hope you hear that your feelings are valid and you are DEFINITELY NOT a bad person. You deserve to be happy and loved remember that. Thank you.


#213000 - 03/25/08 06:25 PM Re: Trapped and Codependent [Re: VLinvictus]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills

You're not a horrible, awful, evil person! Repeat that to yourself as needed.

You feel like you are smothering in your present situation. From your previous posts you've said that this was your first serious relationship and there is/was a power imbalance. It seems that you want a more equal relationship in all ways not just financial and dog ownership. You want your life to be more fulfilling. There is nothing wrong with that. You cannot be responsible for how someone else feels or reacts to your feelings.

Take good care of yourself, you have a lot of support here when you need it.


I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

#214297 - 03/31/08 04:25 AM Re: Trapped and Codependent [Re: Stephen_5]
lostcowboy Offline

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 798
Loc: Rhode Island
Hope you don't mind a straight guy barging in on you. But I can so relate to that trapped feeling. I am 51 married to a 80+ woman. Part of the problem between you and you man could be that he may be going through his mid-life crisis. He probably thinks if he losses you, he'll be alone in old age. I am not suggesting that you stay with him. He hooked up with you knowing full well that there was a large age difference between you two. You are now a young man able to think on your own.

On the housing problem, I suspect that it will take about two more years to correct it's self.

take care,

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

#216288 - 04/07/08 11:40 PM Re: Trapped and Codependent [Re: lostcowboy]
Jordan Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/07/08
Posts: 8
Loc: Kenosha, WI
I'm 20 and gay, feeling something similar to you in regard to my straight best friend whom I have absolutely controllable, but definite feelings for.

We've got an extremely close relationship, to the point where people suspect more than a friendship. It's definitely not, but it's starting to feel as though it is; completely platonic, but nonetheless. My father was my abuser and his father was abusive to his mother and died the same time I told my mom what was going on with my dad. It's just one of those friendships that you know will be there forever.

He got a new job a couple weeks ago and the schedule is completely opposite of what he/we was/were used to. He's up at 3:45 every morning for work and usually out at 2: right when I'm going in to work and by the time I'm out of work, he's asleep.

I was somewhat resentful about it at first. We both are pretty busy, but we spend all our time together when we're not working or sleeping, whether it's our band or just hanging around. I started to feel like he cared less, and thus started showing that I care less, and the first time I saw him after he started the job, he seemed to be really, really sad if it came up that we hadn't seen each other in a while.

I felt awful. I knew it was because of how short I had been with him the few times we had talked since he started the job and we really both don't have anything but each other right now.

I think it's just a natural reaction to deny eye contact with something we're not sure of or not happy with. It definitely doesn't mean you don't care about your partner and it definitely doesn't make you an evil, awful, OR horrible person. It makes you human.

This is my first post.
Soooooo long, sorry.
I just feel like maybe some people are gonna listen and want to be heard here.

Hope things are better for you.


It's getting hard to be someone, but it all works out.

#216307 - 04/08/08 12:38 AM Re: Trapped and Codependent [Re: Jordan]
LandOfShadow Offline

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Hi Jordan,
Welcome, welcome! What a great first post! I just want to let you and VLinvictus know... I'm listening, I'm listening...

You both are great guys to me.

Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you

Paul Eluard

#217183 - 04/11/08 01:58 AM Re: Trapped and Codependent [Re: LandOfShadow]
blueshift Offline

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
It seems like survivors---among other categories, I'm sure, are really good at feeling like everyone else feeling good is our responsibility. If some one feels bad because of us feeling how we feel, it's got to be our fault (we think). We gotta try to distinguish between our programming and what really makes sense.
No one ever needs spectacular reasons for getting into relationships, but most people seem to feel they need to convince half of congress to get out of one.

I hope your partner can love you enough to let you go. Your being in a relationship you feel trapped in isn't good for either of you.

I know it isn't that simple, but I think it's a piece of the picture anyway.

My Story
My Art

#217346 - 04/11/08 05:45 PM Re: Trapped and Codependent [Re: blueshift]
Roofus Offline

Registered: 01/24/08
Posts: 233
Loc: Utah

just want you to know you are not alone. Im in exactly the same boat. I've been with my 'partner' for 8 years now. Im 36, he's 54. Our relationship has been rocky at best, and we have separated, gotten back together, separated, and gotten back together so many times. I try to get out, but he has a very controlling way about him that always pulls me back in even against my own good judgment.

What keeps pulling me back are exactly the same issues you bring up. My fear that he will fall apart if I leave permanently, our two beautiful dogs that we both love, and our home and financial commitments.

I don't know how to escape. Recently when I went to the WoR, I sat in the airport on my way back. I was sooooo tempted to walk up to the ticket counter and buy a ticket to anywhere else but home. Even now, I feel as though my only way out will be to disappear into no where... go somewhere that no one will know me, and no one will know where I am.

My partner (or as I like to call him, room mate), is a very controlling man, and his anger is something to steer clear from. I guess Im feeling that my only way to escape everything is to just run away, but that too scares me... not to mention I really do love and rely on my dogs (my kids).

I just want you to know you're not alone. I don't know what to tell you... I wish I had the answers. If I did, I'd give them to you.

Hang in there, and PM me if you like. Would love to swap stories with you.

#218016 - 04/14/08 02:24 PM Re: Trapped and Codependent [Re: Roofus]
VLinvictus Offline

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
Wow, Roofus!

Thanks so much for the reply. It makes me feel so much better knowing that I'm not alone! That's been one of the worst parts of this whole mess, the loneliness. It's easy for people to say "Why don't you just break up?" But as you know, it's far from simple.

Your avatar makes me chuckle. A few months ago, the cantor of my synagogue and his boyfriend announced they were getting married. They were showing off their engagement rings and were kvelling about how they had them specially made at this trendy jewelry store in SoHo.

"That's really nice!" I said, and then gestured to the gold band on my left hand.* "My was forged in the fires of Mount Doom, and unfortunately that's the only place it can be destroyed!"

*I don't wear it anymore. I keep it in the zipper pocket of my wallet when I'm not around him.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

#218057 - 04/14/08 06:24 PM Re: Trapped and Codependent [Re: VLinvictus]
Roofus Offline

Registered: 01/24/08
Posts: 233
Loc: Utah

we have so much in common... shoot me PM.

#218103 - 04/14/08 10:20 PM Re: Trapped and Codependent [Re: Roofus]
Bewlayb1 Offline

Registered: 08/04/07
Posts: 243
Loc: NYC
Hi VLintcus,

I'm going through something really similar to you. But I'm feeling so many things that I have to post my own topic. I just want to say, we are never trapped. We are not children. We can always fight, or failing that, run.

I wish you the best.

#218120 - 04/14/08 11:25 PM Re: Trapped and Codependent [Re: VLinvictus]
GateKPR4 Offline

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Maybe the following quoted message will help you not feel so bad about what your going through or yourself.
I got it from this site that has helped me quite a bit with my messed up emotions and relationships.

"Codependency is about having a dysfunctional relationship with self! With our own bodies, minds, emotions, and spirits. With our own gender and sexuality. With being human. Because we have dysfunctional relationships internally, we have dysfunctional relationships externally.

Codependency is an emotional and behavioral defense system which our egos adapted in early childhood to help us survive. We were raised in shame based, emotionally dishonest, Spiritually hostile environments by parents who were wounded in their childhoods by patriarchal, shame based civilization that treated children and women as property. We formed our core relationship with self in early childhood - and built our relationship with self, life, and other humans based on that foundation. Programmed to feel shame about being imperfect humans, and trained to be emotionally dishonest, we were set up to live life reacting to the emotional trauma and dysfunctional intellectual programming of childhood. Because we feel shame about being human, we have a relationship with life that does not work to bring us Joy or inner peace.

We do not have the power to change others - we do have the power to change our relationship with self by healing our codependency / wounded souls. We can access the capacity to accept, embrace, forgive, have compassion for, and set boundaries with, all parts of self. Learning to Love our self will allow us to gain the capacity to Love others in a healthy way. Changing our relationship with life can transform life into an exciting adventure." ~ Robert Burney

I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
|| || || || || || |

#224096 - 05/13/08 09:00 PM Re: Trapped and Codependent [Re: GateKPR4]
feelingafraid Offline

Registered: 04/08/08
Posts: 76
Loc: 5,471 FT above sea level

Edited by feelingafraid (11/24/08 11:40 PM)
Hes a little boy let him be a little boy for the boy we never got to be.

#245397 - 08/18/08 06:48 PM Re: Trapped and Codependent [Re: Roofus]
Kamilin Offline

Registered: 08/18/08
Posts: 12
Loc: Colombia
wow that`s sweet, but the guy`s getting old, i always think of these relationships kinda sweet. like the night listner with robbei wiiliams.

hmmm, im 22 and i please a 65 year old dude, i dont like him and i dont feel compatible with him but i still please the dude.


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