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#211658 - 03/19/08 02:03 PM Help! from notgoinganywhere
ModTeam Offline

Registered: 02/26/06
Posts: 721
Loc: Everywhere
This is a post from a friend of a survivor named notgoinganywhere. Any help all you wonderful folks can give would be much appreciated:

My best friend is a CSA survivor. Dealing with his passed is so new for him that he is in give up mode, not wanting to deal with it. As far as he is concerned the world is crap. I try and be encouraging and say positive things. I know sometimes this really annoys him. I want to help, and he asks me all the time why, because he is not worth it. But I know that he is. How do I help him realize that he is worth it and that giving up is not the answer! Will he ever trust me when I say I'm not going anywhere? Please help!!!

For the ModTeam

Edited by Trish4850 (03/19/08 03:03 PM)
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#211661 - 03/19/08 02:23 PM Re: Help! from notgoinganywhere [Re: ModTeam]
sweet-n-sour Offline

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
When a person falls into that pit of negativity, there are no words to bring them up once again...maybe the only thing that will help is in taking positive action and hoping that they will change their outlook by the way relate to them.

Standing by him, listen when he needs to talk, encourage him by inviting him to step outside of his normal routine are all good strategies. I feel it is more about finding a different path and realizing that life is full of possibilites rather than remaining in the same spot glued in a routine. The only way to find a better way is to look for it and try a different approach. I believe a change of routine helps the brain to rewire into a more positive mode of thinking.

The thing is, we must all lead by example by trying to live life to the fullest. All any of us can do is our best. Maybe it is a matter of not telling someone the glass is half full (when they say it is half empty) but showing them what it means to have a glass half full.

Best wishes,

"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

#211664 - 03/19/08 02:40 PM Re: Help! from notgoinganywhere [Re: ModTeam]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
I hope you I'm not out of place responding to a F&F request:


There's not alot you can say to him that will make him feel better about himself or the world. He has his own reality and view on things and unfortunately, your words (anyone's words) are not likely to pull him out of his mode.

What your words CAN do however is let him know that he will not be alone in the healing journey, that you care for him and that he can lean on you in times of pain.

I'm guessing he REALLY needs to know he's not alone in being abused as a child. There are a few things you can do in this regard.

1) Get him the Mike Lew book, "Victims No Longer." It literally saved my life and gave me hope.

2) Give him a link to this site and then never mention it again.

3) Don't crowd him or push him toward anything. He has to move his own feet forward.

4) Intervene if you think he's going to hurt himself. I say this only because you say "he's in give-up mode." I've been in "give-up mode" a number of times and have required intervention on a severe scale.

Edited by Robbie Brown (03/19/08 02:44 PM)

#211667 - 03/19/08 03:06 PM Re: Help! from notgoinganywhere [Re: ModTeam]
GateKPR4 Offline

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Don''t know what to say but I have been there in that give up mode many a time. Sometimes professional help was needed. It's helped me at least 3 times in my recovery. I felt alone and had no self worth. Not a good place to be. The doctors helped me see things in a better way and helped me through it. Also being with others that are dealing with it helped too. Being alone is the worst thing.
We are here for him and he is worth it.

I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
|| || || || || || |

#211697 - 03/19/08 05:44 PM Re: Help! from notgoinganywhere [Re: GateKPR4]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
I agree with all of the above. Another thing I think you could try is like Robbie and Ricky said don't push him. When in that mode someone telling you what your feeling and belief is wrong just doesn't help. You just don't believe it. I would also suggest in addition to what Robbie suggested is take him with you places out in public. Get him outside. Get involved in some community project and take him with you. Let him see what helping others can do for his self exteem. Don't mention his depression just take him along as if you just wanted company. Then when he is in a better mood or frame of mind. Give him this web address. Suggest he talk to a T about how he feels but be sure and do it when you feel he is in a better place mentally. Listen and be there for him. Your actions will eventually reach him where your words will not. He is like a abused puppy. Scared and very skittish. You can not push but you can entce. I hope this helps.

#211707 - 03/19/08 07:05 PM Re: Help! from notgoinganywhere [Re: ModTeam]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Continue to be encouraging and say positive things, they help to balance out the negative. Sometimes it will annoy him, other times he'll just say it does and if you stop, he'll ask you why you don't say it anymore. I remember one time, I started a sentence with his name and he interrupted me and said, "You never say my name." I never realized it. That one question gave me a whole new perspective, he heard alot more than I thought.
I've heard, "I'm not worth it," never run out of the reasons he is. You can't convince him, but he'll slowly (and by slowly, I'm referring to years, and yes, decades) realize that you're in it for the long haul. He'll realize that no matter what he says or does, you're not leaving him. And sometimes, you'll want to, between us, and that's okay because we all get to the point of total frustration. He told me more than a few times that once I get what I want, I'll leave him, like everyone else. the last time he said it, I looked at him, amused, and said, "Yeah? What else IS there? Whatever IT is, just GIVE it to me then!" We both started cracking up. It's been 28 years though.
Just be consistent.


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