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#211026 - 03/16/08 02:37 PM Totally Confused
hoverpup Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/10/08
Posts: 3
Loc: North Carolina
I don't even know where to start....I've made it through for over 32 years and last night was the worst night ever!!! I kind of knew it was coming, the last couple of months I've been sliding downhill. I am a true Gemini, and I internalize EVERYTHING!! My wife knows about the CSA/ASA, she says she understands, but we never really talk about it. In 11 years of marriage we have only talked about my past a handful of times. We've had our problems in the bedroom, but never like last night. We did everything we could think about, and I still couldn't become erect. After a recent physical, it's not medical. The thoughts of the past have been consuming over the past several months. Nobody in my life(except my wife) knows, But I'm still the happy go lucky person that everyone expects me to be. I've never had this happen before. Sometimes it takes some work, but we manage. My wife said don't be sorry, don't worry about it, but how can I not. She didn't bring it up this morning, but That is all that is on my mind. I never thought my past would/could come back to haunt me in this manner!!!!!! I have shoved all those years so far away that the memories are there, but not the feelings. Any suggestions, I am new to MaleSurvivor, I did do therapy a LONG time ago(not much though, couldn't handle it). I don't know, just looking for some help or understanding. I don't even understand it myself.

#211041 - 03/16/08 03:47 PM Re: Totally Confused [Re: hoverpup]
spirit of winter Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 19
Loc: Weaver Alabama
This is almost impossible to do or believe, but its not your fault. CSA has many long acting effects. And as hurtful as this sounds and is for all of us - the feelings have always been there. Not that we can openly remember, but lying underneath, an invisible force affecting our everyday lives. They have never left us, no matter how much or little we remember. But the more we remember the more our lives are actively and negatively affected.

My wife and i have had many problems like yours. Sometimes in the middle the ballon pops, sometimes there will be no erection at all. There is nothing i can do, except fight the feeling that i have let her down and that there is something wrong with me. In my experience the more i remember about CSA and don't deal with, the worse all my problems get (sexual, social, mental, emotional).

Talking about it is great and this is a site to talk and read if you don't feel like talking. Search your thoughts, there are thousands of posts with insight and wisdom here. But the best tool i have found for getting my feelings out is a journal. Just write whatever comes to mind, if nothing just write what you are thinking or about something bugging you, soon the feelings will come out. That is the best/healthiest coping strategy i have, and it is suprising sometimes what does come out (and how much better you feel and understand afterwards). And if fears of it being read are an issue it can be erased/destroyed. But as men we are not very good at this sort of thing, so it does take effort and dedication.

We all have the social problem i see in your post. We all want to be the person we are "expected to be" - to be accepted. But is that the true person we feel inside? Or is it a mask that hides our real self from the world? I have worn many masks myself and i am sad to say that Happy go Lucky was never one of them, but we all go through life differently.

I don't feel like i have helped you much, but your problem is definitely understood and sympathized with. And i am sorry to here that it is affecting you like this.

Something to check into is a Healing Circle - support group - that is starting tonight. I am fairly new here as well, and i have hopes the Healing Circle will help me understand more.

I want to be me. I want to be whole. I want to be the loving person me and my wife and family deserve. Mostly I want to feel like I deserve to live without fear of people, of who I am, of intimacy, and without fear of a past I canít change.

#211050 - 03/16/08 04:52 PM Re: Totally Confused [Re: spirit of winter]
hoverpup Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/10/08
Posts: 3
Loc: North Carolina
Thank you for understanding, this is all new to me, sweaty, shaky palms(the works), last night did a job on me, just looking for some understanding

#211072 - 03/16/08 08:00 PM Re: Totally Confused *DELETED* [Re: hoverpup]
awakening Offline

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 342
Post deleted by awakening

#211127 - 03/16/08 11:50 PM Re: Totally Confused [Re: awakening]
Roofus Offline

Registered: 01/24/08
Posts: 233
Loc: Utah
I agree with the others, this is not uncommon. Have you talked to your therapist about this?


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