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#210448 - 03/13/08 08:24 AM help i have so many questions
reallyworried Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/13/08
Posts: 2
i have just spent the last four hours reading about csa on different sites and two of those hours totally blown away by all of the info available by reading the blogs here... my situation is one of total confusion and absolute fear combined with a tremendous desire to help and total love of my man... this first posting will be somewhat of a book so i can explain some of the unique circumstances here..#1 i don't know for sure that he is a victim but after years of loving him and being his best friend i have learned/observed so much that makes me suspect that he is victim. i want to bring up the topic and open discussion but i dont know if that is a good idea or not... and if it is how should i broach such a sensitive area? I am a survivor of physical abuse throughout my childhood and sexual assault once and then later (as an adult) violent rape...I have been through ptsd, counseling, alternate forms of healing etc to arrive at a point where i feel healthy whole and happy... The man I love is my best friend we connect on every level most of the time.. we spend as much time together as we can..we cuddle and watch movies, we go out to dinner, we go on vacations, we talk several times a day, we are in every way a couple except that there is no physical aspect to it... In fact he has not had intercourse for over a year and half, has not had any sexual contact at all during that time, his last girlfriend revealed to us that they broke up because he has sexual dysfunction and she was not satisfied, she also said something happened to him as a kid that she couldnt talk about,he has major control issues ( has to be in control of every little detail (will never ride passenger in a car even)), all of his best girl friends and guy friends have started talking constantly about how strange it is that he never shows any interest in sex or talking baout sex or sex jokes etc.. some have decided he must be gay and hiding it, others just think he is really asexual, he went to multiple high schools secondary to delinquency and inability to focus or concentrate, inability to socialize with others comfortably, no sports, no girlfriends (except that one who was awful and loud and aggressive in general)he continues to dissociate during conversations often hearing something completely different,he has been addicted to cocaine in the past, has constant anxiety and takes benzos on a regular basis, he cant sleep at night always tossing and turning and crying out from nightmares, he has to have a benzo to sleep most of the time and during his one sexual relationship only on benzos could he have sex, he went to catholic schools and church his whole life in the northern va area and he now claims the church is the devil and to have no relationship with god, he has constant stomach problems and pains, he has two good guy friends that are the world to him and will change his style and tastes as they change theirs...he is outwardly confident and to those who dont know him would appear cocky and self centered but is crazy full of insecurities if you are really listening..he is really flirty and sometimes seductive but never follows through, he is fun, funny, kind, generous, compassionate, protective, loving, gorgeous sexy 25 yo man who will suddenly become exhausted and "pass out" as soon as their is any private time where the opportunity to be intimate arises, he is depressed and anxious in so many of the subtle ways that one who has been through it recognizes... an inability to truly appreciate the present moment,reckless behavior patterns, constantly searching for escape outlets ( sedatives are a favorite), feelings of inadequacy verbalized as jokes mostly, keeps all of his emotions to himself although very verbose about anything else his emotions are never a topic of discussion, alwys fatigued and always has generalized pains, driven to be wealthy not to succeed in a career he has a passion for but just to make a lot of money, listens to really angry rage rap when he is alone although meeting him one would never suspect him of any anger, has kept his close friends to a very limited number, trusts very few people but is the center of attention when in a group of people, nbelievably stubborn at times, never talks about his childhood only says he was a bad bad kid,...i could go on and on. Essentially I see all the tell tale signs of csa and ptsd from a clinician standpoint.. i have a masters in nursing. i also recognize much of these behaviors because i experienced these symptoms for many different years of my life. I dont know if i am falling in love with him or if i have already fallen although to be truthful i think it is the latter of the two. I have experienced his lack of physical intimacy as rejection and confusion and become angry at all the confused/mixed signals at different times, i have also attributed part of the lack of intimacy to my own residual fears but this weekend after a long discussion about high school light bulbs started going off... all of the pieces would make sense if... and so i started to look up male csa victims and the symptoms seen during adolescence and adulthood only to truly be dumbfounded at all of teh matching details... the feelings and emotions expressed on this site matched many of mine and the symptoms of past victimization were identical to sooo many of these stories. I feel as though i was guided here tonight as an answer to all my questions about what is going on between us... i love him and i know he loves me too... his parents knew everything about me when i met them..EVERYTHING...he has spent more time with me than anybody consistently, he tries really hard to listen to me which is something he genuinely struggles to do and does not try with many others..he struggles to stay in focus much of the time,.. the point of all of this is that i would stay i would stand by him and help him either as his best friend or as his girlfriend whichever.. i love him enough that i would do what ever is best for him...i just dont know how to broach this topic... i dont know how to tell him that as a clinician, a survivor,his best friend and as a woman who loves and knows him i can see that something happened to him and that i want o help him get help so that he can succeed in intrapersonal relationships, so that he can enjoy sex and sexuality, so that he can start enjoying life and its little daily treasures, so that he may have peaceful sleep and the future he dreams of, i need advice i need guidance... has anybody else been in these shoes or did everyone else only know after their loved one spoke of it? please help
realy worried

#210500 - 03/13/08 05:52 PM Re: help i have so many questions [Re: reallyworried]
sweet-n-sour Offline

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Reallyworried:

Hi and welcome to the Family and Friend's forum of Male Survivor. You have posed some very thought provoking questions and points surrounding your boyfriend. The thing is, broaching the subject would not benefit him if he is truly not ready to face it.
My husband and I had been married about thirteen years when he mumbled in passing that he "might" have been abused when he was a boy. Did this open up a full disclosure? No. Was he ready at that point to deal with the fallout from admitting his past? No.
Maybe there is a reason that we lived through, anger, depression, drinking, acting out...maybe he needed to hit rock bottom (emotionally, spiritually) in order to swim up once again. I did what I could at that point in asking him if he wanted to discuss it with me further or if he wanted to seek the professional help of a therapist. His answer was no on both accounts.
So our kids and I remained dedicated to him but moved forward regardless of how he was paralysed by his issues. We had no choice but to continue living to the best of our ability.
Even if I would have demanded he tell me, demanded he get into therapy at that point, who would he have been going to therapy for? He wasn't ready and even if I would have forced him into counseling that point, there would have been no guarantees that he would have shared a single word regarding his past.
Maybe in comparing the symptoms of csa to your boyfriend issues there may be a strong similarity but what if it is something else entirely? What if (I'm just throwing out an example here) he has mild asperger's or something that would explain his behavior's otherwise?
The biggest thing that I have learned through this whole experience is patience, patience and more patience. If love is truly shared then in the end it'll be all right. Decisions will be based out of love and compassion.
One more thing if I may, it probably is not a coincidence that you are together. Patterning plays a huge role in who we tend to fall into relationships with. It is very likely you are correct in what you are sensing BUT it is just speculation.
Remember, patience, patience, patience.
Best wishes,

"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

#210589 - 03/14/08 03:32 AM Re: help i have so many questions [Re: reallyworried]
reallyworried Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/13/08
Posts: 2
thank you for your kind words i am truly at a loss for how to help my instinct is that he is a victim though i recognize so much of that mentality and emotional state of being in every aspect of his is so hard knowing how hard that struggle is and how i never would have recovered without support...and not being able to truly offer it is hard. i am a nurse and it is my nature to give particularly when i can help. i am afraid of him hitting rock bottom, of hime taking some the reckless behavior tooo far...luckily patience is something i also have lots of experience with and i am willing to be patient. i am also so worried that as the conversations about his sexuality or lack of it are increasing among his friends and jokes are being made by totally unknowing, very loving confused friends he is going to start feeling worse and worse which could lead to any number of dangerous possibilities. thank you again for your advice i will continue to be silent... i am considering just broaching the topic of depression that i recognize him as i suffered from that as well...maybe we could start there...

#210592 - 03/14/08 04:09 AM Re: help i have so many questions [Re: reallyworried]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
Be careful Really W. I know as a nurse/ as a woman/ as a friend there is a need to rescue. You cannot do that. He must see the need and he must begin the search for himself. You can be there for him and drop hints and try to talk but ultimatly it is his decidion and he will do it when he is ready and can.


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