I can relate to much of what you say. I'm 24 but really no older than 5 or 6. Although I'm not too sure I should trust his feelings or give in to them. I think I've been doing that for the last decade and a half and it's only gotten me to this confused state. And I think trusting those feelings has made me uncomfortably dependant on my parents for support, support that a 5 year old needs (emotional, physical, financial, etc.). My parents support is the only thing that is safe and I keep retreating back to it. However I agree with you that if I can at least listen to the little boy and figure out what he is scared of and what he wants/needs then I may be able to grow up and move on. But he's not the boss anymore. I need to take control.

I've certainly ran the senario that I may only need confirmation from a man--like a hug or a pat on the shoulder--a million times through my head and I certainly can't discount it. It makes a lot of sense to me. But many things make sense to me as well. Some questions come to mind right now. My little boy certainly is attracted to females but is does that mean I am attracted to females? Has that little boy controlled me so much so that he's made me think I like girls? I don't know and maybe I'm going too deep into this.

By the way, my best friend lives in Eskilstuna. I was suppose to go see her this summer but it fell through and I only made it to Malmo. It was after then that I had to go back to London.


I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow. Much like Angry_youth_86_Keith's post I'm going through an emotional roller-coaster. Everything seems amplified and it is making me sick. I got the dry heaves when I took the dogs for a walk. I just want this to come to an end. It's like I'm biding my time until the lights go out (that's not a cry for help just my pessimism showing through).

"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck