Not long ago, I was at a dinner party. There were three couples there, my wife and I, and two other couples we have known for 15 years. Our kids are close in age, and when they were young, we hung out together all the time. As our kids have grown, schedules and committments mean we can only get together every few months or so.
All of these wonderful people know about my CSA. All of these people were there for me in the depths of my alcoholism, and gave me support as I recovered from that. All these people I love very, very deeply.
But I feel like a freak with them sometimes. These are some of my closest friends.... this is my wife... but when I sit there, talking, laughing, and enjoying myself... a constant feeling of unease is just below the surface - dampening my ability to truly "be" one of them.
The last time we were together, we started talking about teen sex, since our kids are now at that age... the oldest are freshmen in high school, and the youngest is in middle school. We were talking about fears and strategies and what we were telling our kids, what kind of messages we wanted them to hear, etc. One friend said, "When did you lose your virginity?".
Everyone jumped in with their stories.... except me. I just wanted to crawl in a hole.
The mood was light and fun and reminiscent, but my mind kept wanting to say "Well, the first time I blew a guy, I was six, and he also taught me about hand jobs... but I didn't have anal intercourse until I was an old timer of 8"
I just sat there - like I was in the same room, but there was this huge chasm between me and all of them.... they were a group of happy people, and I was looking on like the ugly, uncoordinated kid wishing he could join in the game. I started to feel like I was covered in a filthy slime - and if one of them looked over at me, they would recoil in horror.
I realize that although I am constantly surrounded by people, and I love to in the fun, I can never REALLY be a part.
That makes me sad
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."