Thanks Chris. What you say about my friend's innate confidence in himself, and this being something I both desire to have myself and yet would find it dangerously arrogant if I attempted to have this perception is absolutely right.
In fact when I think through my really close friends, this is a quality they all have in one way or another, and certainly it's a quality the people I fall in love with deffinately have as well.
One realization I made with my friend the counceler, is that I tend to back away from people I don't perceive to be like this.
I will do whateverr I can for people lacking confidence, and feel good doing it, and I'd certainly would never put such a off or refuse to spend time with them or refuse to try and help, but I'll never open myself up to them completely, or become as close as I would be with people who are more confident.
It took a lot of help from my friend the counceler, even when she did not know precisely what the problem was, ---- and through her wisdom and her training was certainly not going to ask, to make me realize that my friends would not distance themselves from me if I asked for help.
Because I am visually impared, asking for and accepting help from others is also a hugely difficult thing for me, ---- sinse on a dayly basis I have to politely refuse offers of unneeded help from strangers, in as nice a way as possible, and struggle to maintain myself as an independent person, not just "the blind person", ---- while at the same time avoiding going too far and slipping into arrogance.
this also goes on to what you said about developing a guilty pleasure I can show to the world. Right from when I was quite litle, I have always felt so appart from others, becoming part of a group, or even of a generalization is something that frightens me, that I've deliberately become highly individualistic in what I do, and what I like, right from the way I decorate my flat, to my bazare musical tastes and opinions. I also tend to wear stuff I like to wear, ---- Eg, shirts with brrightly coloured chinese dragons, and up until very recently I had a long ponytail. But again, this is something I find it really hard to accept compliments about, and just believed people were being nice.
Yesterday though, I did suddenly slam into a realization which really hit me. I've found it hard to articulate, ---- so tried writing a poem about it, but now I think i can put it down here.
A friend of mine (not one of the people I'd discussed my recent troubles with), came round to watch large amounts of doctor who and cook a meal. As always we went on literally all night, watching stuff about Davros, creator of the daleks, and having long in depth ethical discussions over some of my interesting coffee.
Davros is someone who is so absolutely certain of his greater good, that he's willing to sacrifice anyone to that end, and in fact shows no real love or value for anybody at all (appologies to people who aren't doctor who fans). I was expressing the opinion that the most wonderful human trait, and the one which made us ethical, was the ability to always love and value the individual person and their feelings, and that was actually the motivation behind deciding for the greater good, and to lose this value actually stopped the greater good from being good at all.
I suddenly realized that I could not deny myself, that I loved and valued other people, and would never sacrifice them entirely to a greator good, ---- and so, I was a far better person than Davros.
this was something true about myself which I absolutely could not deny. there was also no way i could make a difference betwene myself and others here either without being completely false.
I'm stil struggling with the idea that other people could enjoy being with me, or get something from my company, ---- much less love me, but at least I know that I can love others, and this is something good.
Oh heck! this one has really rambled on like mobodies business, I'm really sorry for all this pointless drivle here, writing this kind of thing down in wordsand not poetic images is something I'm stil extremely bad at.
Edited by dark empathy (03/08/08 01:25 AM)