thnks freedom49. it is really hard on ouroldest boy. i think he always saw how his frends had ther dad active in there lives and he didnt. just to toss a ball around and talk to each other dh wan't there. i feel just sad bcause i hold blame 2. its one thing 2 stay with someone when it is just the 2 of us but with kids ther is only 1 chance. i guess ther ain't nothing can be done about that now. at least we are doin something about it to make it all better. i can undrstand how what happened to you made you afraid what might happen 2 your kids in triggering fear. abuse not easy 2 deal with alone, not easy 2 deal with in married life, not easy 2 deal with when ther are kids involved 2. the good thing is, all of us is trying. all of us are here reading, talking, trying. we want it better & know we can get better if we just put words 2 work & change. i want my boys to hav a dad that is full up to see that those boys are the best & no way hooked 2 what we drug with us from past. the boys are rowdy & act like boys. i wish dh could let go and join them. maybe he could find what was took from him if he did just let go that control & hav some fun. if he could share good in himself with them. i pray for that everyday. a lot better here now but way far to go.