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#207519 - 02/26/08 03:23 PM Exhausted, tired and reached my limit..
beccy Offline

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
So, after a long break away from this site, here I am again. Hello to all those who know me and nice to meet you to all those who don't.

So, things seemed to going ok, good even, then I started to kick up a fuss about my own needs and one night when I was no longer making any effort to be nice, I said to my bf, "I feel like your niceness is fake". After a massive long silence he said, " I fancy men more than women, and I don;t feel accepted for who i am. I love you, am in love you and want to stay with you forever, that's how much i love you. I feel I made a positive choice to stay with you and now you have to make a positive choice for yourself."

What can I say? Traumatised yet again, in a mess, started smoking, another blow to my self esteme. I told him that's it then. We can't be together. I am sick of this shit. WHAT ABOUT ME??!!!!!!!!!!!!! I asked him if he thought the desires were genuine and true, or a result of the abuse and he said they felt genuine. I said why on earth would you choose to be with a woman if that was the truth of things then?! It'd be like a life sentence.

He felt he'd been lying to me and felt a whole lot better to get it off his chest. 2 days later told me that he'd written a letter(not given to me), in which he explained how the term "fancy" has been a missunderstanding to me and that he thought he more meant, arousal. i asked him then in that case, why did he use that de>

#207737 - 02/27/08 03:51 PM Re: Exhausted, tired and reached my limit.. [Re: beccy]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey

I'm sorry that things haven't really changed much for you. I truly don't know what more I can possibly say. All you can do is take care of yourself and the two of you have to take care of the children. On that score, at least, you've both been pretty consistent; I hope that remains the same.

ROCK ON.........Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#207796 - 02/27/08 09:26 PM Re: Exhausted, tired and reached my limit.. [Re: Trish4850]
beccy Offline

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Thanks Trish,

today grief finally kicked in, as opposed to only anger. I felt I was dragging myself around, not helped by going to sleep so late last night and drinking too much I'm sure.

Tonight before my ex-bf left, he asked me if i wanted to talk, so I said i didn't really know what to say, other than things seem hopeless, since I can't give him the acceptance he needs. He said no, that this is about the fact he can't give me what I need. I said that this about his fancying men more and he said that I can't be happy with that. He seemed to be angry with me, saying that's why this seperation is the best thing right now, that he doesn't know what else to do. I asked him why he wanted to talk at all in the first place and what he wanted me to answer, and is it because he just wanted to dig the knife in deeper. He said he thought I wanted to talk and why did I say things seemed hopeless and what kind of an answer did I want to that? I told him I said that because he had asked me if i wanted to talk and that was what I'd been feeling. I said I haven't been able to hold it together since everything that happened last year. I've been in a crazed frenzy about how much he actually desires me and don't know what anything's based on anymore. What the truth of everything is. And he was still lying to me about his desires and how not fine everything was and that only made me more crazy. And he said when things are shit between us he fancies men more and now I feel like he's tried to blame that on me by being so angry about his fancying men more and needing me to accept it. Accept what though? I don't even know what it is exactly i am supposed to be trying to accept..

He then asked me why i'd come back early from studying today then(he was looking after our son), was that to dig the knife in??( I had actually expressed something very caring towards him when I got home) I told him I came back early because I felt too tired to stay out any longer and had to come home and sit down. He asked why i didn;t bother to tell him i wasn't going out tonight, which I had intended. I didn't really know what to say. I said my head's all over the place and I didn;t have any focus for anything. He said I'm the one saying how hard this all is, so why come back here and force us to be around eachother?

At that point I got very upset, started crying and shouted I'm sorry this isn't perfect, but you're the one who doesn't want me in the way I need. What the fuck do you want from me? And I broke down. And then he left. And I cried and cried and cried.

This is like a nightmare.

#207829 - 02/28/08 12:56 AM Re: Exhausted, tired and reached my limit.. [Re: beccy]
honey girl Offline

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Beccy,
I'm sorry you're in this state. It sounds pretty painful.
I don't know if you're looking only to express your anguish, or interested in advice as well. If you are looking for advice, however, my suggestion is this: really, really take a break. The communication between you should be limited to what is necessary to take care of the children. That's it. You're not friends with each other right now, and you're (both) in a lot of turmoil. Talking with each other really doesn't seem to get you anywhere. You are looking for validation or affirmation or love or something that you don't seem to be able to get from him. As hard as it is to do without--remember, you have been doing without for some time.
It isn't easy, but it will get better for you, even without your ex-bf. A break of a few days or a week, just focusing on logistics, might produce some calm at least (and then you can decide to extend it, or not). It's hard to accomplish much of anything when you're in an emotional uproar. And sometimes the only thing you can do to interrupt the cycle of distress is simply stop.
Good luck to you and your children, Beccy.

I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

#208293 - 03/01/08 10:11 PM Re: Exhausted, tired and reached my limit.. [Re: honey girl]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I'm sorry this is going on. I have no advice, just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you.

Life is to short to blend in

#208402 - 03/02/08 01:58 PM Re: Exhausted, tired and reached my limit.. [Re: dangal]
Olive Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 16
Loc: New Jersey
This is heart wrenching, and I'm so sorry you have to go through this, and for him to say he "fancy's" men makes it so frustating. I mean, how do you fit that successfully into a relationship? I think honey girl is right about taking a break though. Just some "me" time to take a deep breath. You deserve it!

#208508 - 03/03/08 12:19 AM Re: Exhausted, tired and reached my limit.. [Re: beccy]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Hi Beccy,
Two weeks ago, I was where you are... tired, fed up, and playing out the "What about me?". I was given alot of great support here, I think we all have the ups and the downs.
My SO has gone from being straight to bi to gay throughout the 28+ years I've known him. This is all self-proclaimed, because if I were so inclined to put a label on him, it would be asexual. When most of the effects of the csa surfaced, was when he decided to declare that he was gay. At the time, he'd not yet disclosed the csa to me.
That was around 15 years ago. I've often thought to ask him if declaring he was gay made anything that happened seem more acceptable to him. He's stuck at a point where he still believes that everything that happened to him was his fault. That it was something about him, or something he did that made it happen. What he doesn't realize is that, if that were REALLY TRUE, none of this would be happening to him now. All the things that creep up...the anxiety, the nausea, the restroom issues... Yes, we find a way around them. They're there. But these are issues over which he has no conscious control.
I tried to explain it to him once,(actually, it was probably more like a thousand times) that these things were him trying to get his own attention. Like his body's way of waving a red flag and screaming, "Look, issue over here!" That time, I think he almost understood it. But again, it was one step forward and 3 steps back.
You're 100% right when you say this isn't fair. It's not. Not what happened to him, and not what it's doing to you. You love him and of course, you're worried about him. But ultimately, it's you that has to take care of you. He's not in an emotional position to take care of anyone at this point.
In my case, when he gets too emotionally overwhelmed, he'll start a fight so as to put distance between us. He seems to find that preferable, since it infers that I'm "mad at him."
But there does come a point where you don't actually get mad so much as tired and hurt. I've often found myself lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling and telling myself that I never bargained for any of this. And asking myself why it's always ME that's expected to be the understanding one. And wishing for 5 minutes alone in a dark alley with those responsible for the state he's in. Just 5 minutes.
I admire your strength in the decisions you've made. I find myself taking everything day by day,


#208744 - 03/04/08 12:55 PM Re: Exhausted, tired and reached my limit.. [Re: Liv2124]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

My wife and I have had rough times ourselves and so far we have been able to work through them and past them. But all that has been because she stood up for herself and let me know when she felt I was crossing the line. Sometimes I wasn't, of course; it takes two, as the saying goes. But she has always been honest with me about how she feels, and when you feel lost in so many other ways that's a godsend.

So yes, you have to stand up for Beccy; if you don't, who do you think will? If a trial separation seems to be the only way forward then so be it. Perhaps the break will help to resolve things one way or the other. But at some point in the mess a partner does have to put herself and her children first, and that seems to be what you are doing. I wish you all the best.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)


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