I wanted to say hi, and thank you very much for having this forum. I thought I should probably post now while things are going pretty good, because eventually things will go bad again... and I hate to think that, but we are just at the beginning of the healing process. After reading some of the touching entries here I will not be fooling myself.
I have been with my SO for almost four years. He gave me a hint about the csa maybe a year and a half into our rel, but never enough details for me to be able to figure out the truth. That's fine with me, it's my position that I'm a girlfriend and a partner, not a therapist. Then about a year ago the truth came spilling out. Then a few months ago the perpetrator died, and he was in the midst of a depression as it was. I had no idea, but now I believe that the person's death triggered him acting out. He has problems with alcohol and anger. We had tried to get him into therapy but got nothing but the runaround for a few months... then last month we had a crisis where he got drunk, destroyed some things in the house and tried to hurt me. I had to leave. Luckily I contacted a friend who works with a women's shelter and we got hooked up to some resources that will actually work for us. I am not yet in therapy, but he is involved with a therapist specifically for csa and I believe he is positive about the growth he needs to undertake.
Even just being here is difficult for me because I am a very private person. Unfortunately I think I will need some support going forward and I am very happy that I found this place, and I thank you all for your contributions.
I cannot imagine how painful this is for him. I believe very strongly that children deserve a childhood and I am so angry that his was taken away from him. I know that he is a good man, sometimes he certainly is confused and confusing though. He has usually been brave enough to be close to me, he is a very loving person. He does have his periods of pushing me away. Hell sometimes I'm confused on what's a normal amount of strife in a relationship; I don't expect things to be peachy all the time; overall I do feel that we love each other and that he is usually trying, which I think says a lot for him. I don't want to defend him though, and I don't want to "take care" of him, or make excuses and I know that I can't fix him.
Well, thanks for listening.