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#208558 - 03/03/08 05:15 AM Anyone like me out there?
Chagrin Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/18/08
Posts: 17
Loc: BC Canada

I'd like to post a question, but it was difficult to muster the courage to do so... Mostly because I have only shared this information with my one closest friend, and I would probably have to run and hide if others found out!!

I'm just curious to know if there are others in the same or similar situation and in a way, I'm hoping I'll feel a little more liberated by just saying this "out loud"... (even though I can remain completely anonymous here!)

Anyways... my husband (a csa survivor) and I have been married for close to four years now. We are both still very happy. I love him very much! He disclosed his abuse to me before we ever got married and over the past year he has been working painstakingly on recovery, getting involved on MS and seeing a therapist etc. I have seen great changes and I am very proud of him!

The ONLY problem we have ever really faced in dealing with the csa is the issue of affection and physical intimacy. And, (here's my "big secret"... we have NEVER had sex!) This has caused some definite rough patches here and there over the last few years, but lately I have been working really hard to be more understanding of his situation. We are extremely close and live a very "intimate" life together, but I have had to be VERY patient with our marriage and the progression of our relationship.

I guess just being on the site for a while and reading quite a few of peoples posts I felt I could share and maybe ask if there are others out there...?

Thanks for taking the time to read if you did!

~ Chagrin \:\)

#208591 - 03/03/08 03:05 PM Re: Anyone like me out there? *DELETED* [Re: Chagrin]
awakening Offline

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 342
Post deleted by awakening

#208657 - 03/04/08 12:28 AM Re: Anyone like me out there? [Re: awakening]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
Hi Chagrin,
Sex it a major issue for guys here. It has been so confused in our minds that normal healthy sex for some is almost impossible for a long time.

Part of my problem was that because of my abuse and the way it happened I treated sex as more abuse. If my wife wanted to have sex, well that was the price of her love and I submitted gracefully just like I did with all my abusers. I tried to do whatever it took to please here so she would still love me and stay with me. If she had known that was how I felt about it she would have been very upset and turned off but I not only hid that I don't really think I understood it till now.

I am trying to Re sexualize my self with her by talking more during sex to keep me in the moment. Concentrating on her body and how it feels to me and asking her about how she is feeling. This is helping to change how I approach and feel about sex with her.

Now in your case your H was initiated into sex as if he were just some toy. He was tricked and manipulated even coerced into it and then there were times it felt good. That made him feel guilty and ashamed and hate himself for it and now the subject of sex brings all those feelings back. Sex=Abuse. That is going to take some re training. He and you will have to go at it jointly (no pun intended) for it to work but I can tell you it really can work. First though, the issues of guilt, shame, and self hate have to be adressed probably first.

It is kind of a catch 22. He feels worthless as a man for the abuse. He sees sex as abusive so he avoids it which hurts your relationship which makes him feel worthless again.

Serious therapy is required along with serious and patient love and ecouragement. My thoughts and best wishes go with you in your struggle. I admire your courage and strength and your love. Know this that there is hope.

Edited by Freedom49 (03/04/08 12:34 AM)

#208672 - 03/04/08 01:41 AM Re: Anyone like me out there? [Re: Freedom49]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Welcome...It's great to meet up with you, wish it were under different circumstances... I have alot of experience differentiating intimacy and sex. While intimacy has at times been great between us, sex is still an issue for him. When we've had our "in depth" talks, what he recalls as his first sexual experiences frequently seem more like abuse to me. How much sexual desire can a boy actually have at 7 years old? If you're 16 and some guy is holding a knife to your throat, how much can you be wanting it? I know it sounds confusing. I was as confused as you are the first time I heard it. Yet he gave me the information as casually as if he were recounting the events of an ordinary day.
If you ask my SO about his first sexual experiences, these are the stories he'll tell you. Was that actually sex? NO.
Not by any stretch of the imagination, but because of that, he'll "mentally leave" a sexual situation, because he's afraid of it.

It's a sick cycle and one that is difficult to break, because what I've found out dealing with a survivor for 28 years, is that the negative is always easier for him to believe.


#208825 - 03/04/08 06:11 PM Re: Anyone like me out there? [Re: Liv2124]
LJA Offline

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 35
Hi Chagrin,

Yeah, I think there are many many of us dealing with the same or similar issues.

Almost all of my 23yr rship with my H has been without sex, and it was a secret. He kept the secret because he didn't want to deal with his past which is understandable.I kept the secret because I thought he didn't want sex because I was so unattractive.

After living with them for so long, I can tell you that secrets are really bad news, so I thinks its fabulous that you have come here and let your secret out.

Also, there is hope for your situation. My H and I do have a sex life now and although we haven't worked out all the kinks yet (pun? hee hee) I know if we keep working we will one day have what we both want.


#209089 - 03/06/08 02:14 PM Re: Anyone like me out there? [Re: LJA]
soapy bubbles Offline

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london

Edited by soapy bubbles (09/01/09 03:10 PM)
Edit Reason: deleted for personal reasons

#210426 - 03/13/08 05:12 AM Re: Anyone like me out there? [Re: Chagrin]
Chagrin Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/18/08
Posts: 17
Loc: BC Canada
Thank you to all who replied to this post. Your words mean a lot to me!

Chagrin \:\)

#215406 - 04/04/08 10:21 PM Re: Anyone like me out there? [Re: Chagrin]
whitetara Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/02/07
Posts: 7

I really appreciate your bravery. I don't post here very often but came today looking for hope or advice for a very similar situation.

My BF is a csa survivor and in the beginning of our relationship we had a lot of physical intimacy but then for no apparent reason ( he had not yet disclosed the csa to me) he started pulling away from me, ignoring me, shutting me out. When we did have sex I started to notice that it didn't seem like he was really I stopped trying to be close to him in that way. we are still together and have some happy times... but we almost never have sex (maybe once every few months) and it is really hard for me. I feel unattractive, unwanted and ignored.

I know that it is not his fault. I have tried very gently to talk to him about this but he doesn't really see it as a problem. He thinks I should just let things be. But I don't know if I can and sometimes I worry that I will cheat on him because I really feel starved for affection. I probably won't but it crosses my mind from time to time and then I feel even worse.

So I guess I am rambling here. Has anyone been through this and worked through any of it? I don't want to give up on him, he is such an amazing person. But it is so hard to love someone with these walls around them, i wish he trusted me enough to let me in.



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