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#208076 - 02/29/08 07:15 PM unexpectedly hugged today, shock!
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2688
Loc: durham, north england
Today, a friend of mine came round for general chat and coffee. When she was leaving, ---- just literally walking out the door she suddenly turned round and hugged me, ---- I felt utterly shocked, and couldn't even speak, I only say "oh" and then "By" and shut the door.

It is true we've hugged before, but that was just after I came off stage and was full of adrenaline, and so I wasn't expecting it today at all.

I'm not sure what she must have thought, and I really wish I could've just accepted it in the spirit she'd meant it.

further than that though, I had a realy worrying sense that I might at some point fall in love with this particular friend (I have lots of female friends, ---- one incredibly close friend in particular who I am not in love with, and who have also occasionally done the physical affection thing with me).

I really! don't want that to happen, if it does I'll end up getting hurt again, and undo all the progress I made sinse november, and I'm quite afraid it might, I just hope I can stop myself.

#208091 - 02/29/08 08:56 PM Re: unexpectedly hugged today, shock! [Re: dark empathy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Hi Dark,

Hmmmm yeah, this business of hugs and displays of affection can be pretty triggering sometimes. In my case it was because I had learned the false lesson that hugs, compliments and tokens of affection mean the other person wants me like the abuser did. I lived with that distorted idea for years.

That's something we need to bear in mind when we think about things like this. These old ideas we learned as abused boys have been with us for a LONG time, so they won't go away overnight or be disproved so easily by our rational adult thinking. Emotions can hold tremendous power over us, even if they no longer "make sense", and that is especially true if they are emotions we learned in a situation as traumatic as sexual abuse.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#208099 - 02/29/08 09:27 PM Re: unexpectedly hugged today, shock! [Re: roadrunner]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2688
Loc: durham, north england
thanks larry. this is one of my major points, and what brought all this around again for me. It's something I wish for, but at the same time it's something I'm terrified of and just feel I can't do anything about it.

Even within my family, I've noticed that I find physical affection difficult, there is in fact only one very close friend who I can accept a hug from without flinching.

Touch and physical affection is also something I have to cope with on a daily basis, sinse being Visually impared, people have this bizarre idea that I wish them to touch me, or show some sort of affection such as patting me on the hand. It's therefore also tied into my wish to be independent I think, ---- which is incredibly strong.


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