They would know if I was straight or not.
Nobody "knows" anything about you that you don't tell them. That is a fact that you can take to the bank.
...how would you go about telling your friends to quite ripping on you about your sexuality ya know thats way people are!
I don't quite know how to respond to that, but I think it boils down to a matter of respect. If you ask them not to make those kind of comments, and they continue, I don't see how they can respect you and your feelings.
I guess im just going to have set some strong boundaries and pick and choose who will benefit a + outlook in my life.
That sounds like a great start!
It tore me apart for a long time because of that little word "gay"
You are most certainly not alone on that one, many guys here (whatever their sexuality) have been and still are struggling with that word.
It wasn't just my friends it was my family as well and its hard for me because what they don't understand scares them.
I'm sorry that you can't depend on your family members to respect your feelings, but it wouldn't surprise me if the ones making comments had sexuality issues of their own. That's why they put forth the effort to redirect anyone's attention.
I think a lot of it is I feel a lot of shame and guilt behind my abuse and it messes with my head everyday. I also think a lot of it is learning to be able to deal with my anger in healthy ways.
Do you have a copy of Mike Lew's Victims No Longer
yet? I have just started reading it myself and so far I am very, very impressed with the material. These issues are explained in great detail. It helps to take the mystery out of those very confusing emotions.
That ex-girlfriend of yours ought to be ashamed of herself. She violated a very important confidence, whether you asked her to keep it in confidence or not. What a complete lack of respect AND maturity. She revictimized you, and I'm very sorry to hear that. I was revictimized myself in college, and I think that year traumatized me more than anything else.
As far as religion goes, I don't think it's something to be worried about, but I'm not saying that's it's easy to sort out either. I have created my own personal religion and I simply love it. It's a very personal interpretation of the world so please be aware it could sound disturbing to some people. If you are interested I will gladly share it with you.
Routine patterns help most of us, it keeps us from overthinking and ruminating on our painful pasts. "Dropping" the things that trigger you certainly helps to keep your head above water, but be aware that there is a word for this, and that is avoidance. The good news is that there is nothing wrong with coping that way, just don't beat yourself up if can't avoid triggers 100% of the time. That's would be and incredibly unrealistic expectation. The key is learning new coping skill and gaining new tools to bounce back faster. You are already doing the things necessary to get those skills and tools.