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#207143 - 02/24/08 08:13 PM Need help on helping
recover Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/08/07
Posts: 17
I am helping a survivor who is a trusted friend. I am writing out lists of questions in connection with therapy concerning what has happened in a way to help and also to get them speaking about the traumatic experience. Is there any particular questions to ask - i have read sights/smells etc is there anything else?


#207147 - 02/24/08 08:33 PM Re: Need help on helping *DELETED* [Re: recover]
awakening Offline

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 342
Post deleted by awakening

#207160 - 02/24/08 10:13 PM Re: Need help on helping [Re: awakening]
mogigo Offline

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
My thought's mimic awakening's very much recovery. I too have met with a few professionals but I think I made the most gains in my recovery with just having friend's who listen and care about me. I didn't need to be put on the spot by a friend. Setting up a friendship that has trust involved is all I needed to broach the tough subjects. Just listen to what he's saying for a while recovery, it will work miracles.



#207193 - 02/25/08 01:18 AM Re: Need help on helping [Re: mogigo]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
I would agree with the above two posts. You have trememdous value just being you and being there for him. Listening and validating his feelings. A good therapist would know the questions and how to get him to open up and start dealing with his issues. You can help a lot just by being there between times. He is a very lucky guy to have you on his side. You go recover!!

#207203 - 02/25/08 02:33 AM Re: Need help on helping [Re: Freedom49]
GateKPR4 Offline

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I could not answer any questions for 2 years with my T, She had been very patient and understanding just waiting for me to be ready. She would ask and I would reveal a little then back off, then a little more and back off. Finally after two years I opened up about the whole ordeal my whole bag of garbage dumped out on her ears. I was ready and that was all. Healing is a process I agree with everyone that he is lucky to have a friend and the best you could do is be you and an active listener and have compassion, and understanding that this will take time.
There is hope \:\)

I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
|| || || || || || |

#207467 - 02/26/08 07:26 AM Re: Need help on helping [Re: recover]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
I imagine it's different for everyone, but with us, when he was seeing a T, he didn't run home to talk about it. Occasionally, he would bring something up, but I never asked him any questions unless he opened the topic himself. This worked for us, because there was a "3 comment rule". If he brought up the same thing 3 times then it was okay to ask and explore the issue. (It's the truth, but as I write this, I can't help but laugh at what a "conversational dance" we do) And, even after all these years, if I ask a question too soon, all bets are off.
This doesn't just apply to therapy, this applies to anything involving him, his work, how he's feeling etc. Sometimes, if it gets to the point where I'm actually tripping over the "800 pound gorilla in the room", I might pose a question like, "Are you going to tell me what's bothering you?" Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but the purpose more or less is to let him know that clearly something is bothering him and, yes, I've noticed.
Hopefully, the therapist will ask the necessary questions and your friend will answer if and when he can. The best thing you can do is just be there for him should he need to run something past you, which does happen.
Best of luck to you both.

#207675 - 02/27/08 07:55 AM Re: Need help on helping [Re: Liv2124]
recover Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/08/07
Posts: 17
The first question that came to mind was "Why are you providing questions?" - and I ask this with the utmost respect.

Just in reply to this - they trust me, and it has gotten to the point where we are discussing what has happened, and while we are, I am asking questions etc. Just one - every now and again so as not to alarm them to any extent, following in what they are saying. I find it better to say something, even if it is just a simple word or two when they are talking to me. I understand not to ask too many questions all at once etc. It is difficult to know though and I understand also the point of "letting them talk when they are ready" also life issues have to be taken into account. I only ask when they are talking etc

I have encouraged therapy etc. At the moment they are not considering it. I may suggest it again though. I am a supportive friend, and there are not that many in the world :-) that care to listen. They can talk to me, and I am happy to listen when I can.

I know I am not a therapist, but I just want to do my best. It is hard to know and support someone through this type of traumatic experience. This has allowed me to grow as a person.

I am going to be seeking help from a therapist myself shortly, (when I can find one that understands - I can find them but finding one who understands is diffiult)



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