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#204238 - 02/09/08 03:01 AM opening up and memories coming back
sportinrucks Offline

Registered: 10/01/04
Posts: 443
Loc: Louisiana
I feel.... when Im off my meds, unsafe, untrustful. Really shameful and negative to myself. I beat myself up alot in my own head. Fighting this is more than I thought it would be. Its like a battle between me and this thing this vile. Right now Im feeling lots of shame, fear, insecurity and frustration. This is where Im at right now.

#204522 - 02/10/08 03:22 PM Re: opening up and memories coming back [Re: sportinrucks]
Poet24 Offline

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 36
We all struggle with shame and self-depricating thoughts, that the message of the beast that is CSA, personally my meds don't really help control that kind of thing for me.

Those are lies drilled into our brains by our perpetrators, sometimes for years, and always reinforced by fears, so we must fight these lies with the truth. I fall into the same traps all the time, but in my more 'up' moments I realize a few things, it was not our faults, we were the victims it is their shame and sick and twisted minds. No one is worthless, regardless of what we've been told. and we are the strong ones, and the proof of that lies in our survival.

Sorry if this seems long, or if it was not helpful, but I felt I needed to say it, for you, and for all of us, including myself.

Peace to all,

THe spirit is a fragile thing, easy to break, but not impossible to fix.

#207357 - 02/25/08 09:34 PM Re: opening up and memories coming back [Re: Poet24]
copenbay Offline

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127

The younger we were when stuff happened, the more likely we accepted the wrong ideas about our value. If we were abused, we often thought that's all we were good for. These things are lies, because all human beings have value and are never meant to be used for other people's gratification. Shame is an enemy I still fight often, because I can still feel worthless and hopeless and irrelevant. But no one is any of those things. We all have worth and purpose, even if we can't see it.


#207429 - 02/26/08 03:17 AM Re: opening up and memories coming back [Re: Poet24]
charlie31 Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 1
I have just come to terms with the fact that I was assaulted and have spoke to other people about it. my fiance and one of my mentors. it is a struggle to read your words and feel your pain at the same time.

As a newcomer, it is hard for me to realize the effects this has had on me. the pain and the frustration that i thought i could have done something different, could've ran, could've told someone after the overwhelming. i've suppressed these feelings and thoughts for so many years that when I even begin to conjure up the memories of what happened it embarrasses me and make me feel worthless.

These are thoughts and devastating images that I have buried in the farthest recesses of my mind and yet on a daily basis resurface in some form or another. Does anybody else feel this way when they start to open up about it?

#207487 - 02/26/08 12:37 PM Re: opening up and memories coming back [Re: charlie31]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 01/28/08
Posts: 2615
Loc: Central PA
I do. When I first started dealing I though My abuse ran from 6 or so until 12. Then I had more memories come back and had to revise that to like 13 or 14. Sucks. My understand is that as you deal with things, you'll remember more, so you can deal with them.

#207580 - 02/26/08 10:44 PM Re: opening up and memories coming back [Re: JustScott]
dannym Offline

Registered: 03/25/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Hey, Charlie, welcome to MS. I'm sorry you have to be here at all, but glad you found this community. I hope you find it as helpful as I have.

When I first disclosed about my abuse, I remembered many of the instances, but they were vague, like I wasn't really involved. As I started to deal with them, the feelings and emotins I had buried for so long came out so fast it was frightening. I can only say that it did get better, but it took time. Take it as slow as you need to.

again, welcome

"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

#207615 - 02/27/08 01:37 AM Re: opening up and memories coming back [Re: dannym]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I'm sorry these feelings of distrust and anxiety are getting to you. But you say this happens when you are off your meds, right? So would it be fair to say that when you are on your meds things are better? I know when I was on meds I had to be careful to stick with them, otherwise I would be in an emotional mess pretty quick.

I remember in a poem you wrote last year you asked how you can trust when you fear being used again. Is that the gist of the problem, do you think? That fear that maybe it could start all over again could explain all the feelings you describe.

If you do feel that way, hey, you are in a big club. Just three years ago I was sitting with my Dad and a few other safe people around my parents' kitchen table, when suddenly I just melted down entirely. My Dad asked me what's wrong, and I told him, "I'm afraid it will start all over again. I can't make him stop." And I knew the perp had been dead more than a decade! Go figure.

But there's a good reason why we do this, Alex. Unlike regular memories, which go into our heads in some kind of regular order, traumatic memories just tumble into our minds in bits and pieces, and quite often they don't have any "time tags" on them to identify them as belonging to the past. As a result, when those memories get triggered we feel them as belonging to the present. So a survivor like you or me can feel VERY threatened and unsafe even though rationally we know we are not in danger.

Are you in therapy? I ask because this is a good example of a problem where good professional guidance can be really helpful.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)


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