Newest Members
jez, Long Way Home, Bcbornleo, Orko, molander
13593 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
flea (50), Gnuff (29), Stray (48)
Who's Online
3 registered (payne, AOAN72, 1 invisible), 25 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,593 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,686 Topics
493,729 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Topic Options
#206358 - 02/20/08 05:11 PM helping my BF
splendora Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1
Hello everyone,
I am trying to find a way to understand my boyfriend who I just recently found out was abused. It came out a few nights ago during a misunderstanding. We were talking about our relationship and he said that sex doesn't mean anything to him. Not as in if he didn't have it, he would be OK, but as in, he doesn't feel any emotional connection when we are together. Of course, being his GF it is hard to hear you boyfriend say that to you. Then slowly he started to open up and tell me why he doesn't feel anything special about it. He was heavily molested as a child, and when he started to have sex it wasn't as a closness thing, it was he wanted to show himself that he wasn't gay or there wasn't something wrong with him because of what happened. He just started to sleep with a lot of girls to try and prove to himself that it wasn't something about himself that attracted men. For me, it is very hard to understand how you don't feel an emotional connection during sex. There is a difference between having sex with someone and making love to someone and I want to show him that it can be a wonderful and emotional thing. I have no had much luck finding information because so much is geared towards women, so if anyone could offer some info or resources I would be greatful. Thanks

#206403 - 02/20/08 10:24 PM . [Re: splendora]
bardo213 Offline

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 812

Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 08:15 PM)

#206452 - 02/21/08 01:43 AM Re: helping my BF [Re: bardo213]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon

If you're looking for reading material go to our bookstore from the tab on our homepage, and order the following books.

"Victim's No Longer" by Mike Lew
"Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse" by Mic Hunter

While you're there look through the other items listed. More than likely you'll find a number of items that match what you're after.

I wish you well.

Lots of love,


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#206794 - 02/22/08 11:29 PM Re: helping my BF [Re: WalkingSouth]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi Splendora and welcome,

Your b/f's sexual promiscuity is not uncommon, neither is his reason for doing it. I've found that it doesn't matter whether the abuser was a man or a woman, if the boy child was abused it goes against everything society has taught him about being male (you are the strong one, you are in control, big boys don't cry and a whole host of other crap!) The inability to connect sex and feelings in also not uncommon at all. He was forced to turn off his feelings during the abuse in order to survive it. Unfortunately, the feelings stayed turned off because to do otherwise was just too dangerous.

It's good that he opened up to you and even better that you're taking steps to educate yourself so you can support him.

The books John recommended are the best and there are a host of others in our bookstore. Browse away and come back with any questions or comments you may have. We'll do all we can to help. Just remember, while you can support your b/f, you can't do any of the work for him; he has to be willing to take that step on his own. You can prepare yourself though and learn how to take care of yourself if you're going to stick through this. It's not easy.

ROCK ON..........Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.