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#205471 - 02/16/08 04:31 PM Re: gripe session [Re: awakening]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2652
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: awakening
If you are now able to see it getting better, what does it look like?

How will you know you are seeing it?

i have no idea what it will look like. i can assume it will mean there even if there's pain - there's hope too.

as for how i'll know when i see it? since i won't see it - does it matter really what it looks like or if i'd even recognize it IF it ever happened?


#205585 - 02/17/08 02:55 AM Re: gripe session [Re: MarkK]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2652
Loc: Denver, CO
my T session today brought it all to the surface
what hurts the most is the searing pain of being alone
of having no one
i dunno that i've ever put it into words before
how truly ALONE i feel
and .... so let's say i recovery the missing years
and my memories return?
so what?
what do i gain from it?
possibly greater pain because it won't be vague unknown fears
it will be remembered horrors
still faced alone
i just don't know how to deal with that
and unfortunately, i don't think my T has any ideas either.

if i didn't know any better, i'd swear the depression is getting worse after taking the xanax.

#205587 - 02/17/08 03:01 AM Re: gripe session [Re: mogigo]
Pete2004 Offline

Registered: 08/06/04
Posts: 958
Loc: North Carolina

you are a good man, you mean a lot to alot of people, both here on this site and at home. Yes, it is hard..... harder than anything we have ever done or will do.

Mark, you are a strong man or you would not have survived... you are a survivor who has a lot to offer and as you continue working through the demons of the past, you will be able to help others who come behind you looking for and needing someone to take their hand and guide them through the darkness.

Mark... most friends, if they really are your friend, give space when space is needed and understanding when understanding is needed. We all need that and good friends provide it.


Edited by Charlie2004 (02/17/08 03:02 AM)
There is a destiny that makes us brothers;
No one goes his way alone;
What we send into the lives of others,
comes back into our own. (Edwin Markham)

#205590 - 02/17/08 03:06 AM Re: gripe session [Re: Pete2004]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2652
Loc: Denver, CO
oh so that's the clue
i need space, so everybody's pulled back
gee, won't it be nice when i don't need space anymore
and i have someone to hold on to while i weep
except weeping is out of the question
so maybe i really don't need anybody
or don't deserve
i suppose both have the same result

i still end up alone
and i hate being alone
i hate my life

... i already said that. guess i'm repeating myself. time to shut up.

#205595 - 02/17/08 03:24 AM Re: gripe session [Re: Pete2004]
arronb Offline

Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Perth
Hello Mark

I understand where you're at, alone is where I am at most of the time. So far I haven't learnt how to get past that, but I am willing to LOL

I am probably not a good advert for therapy ... I am avoiding it like the plague, but I am trying to learn as much as I can by myself. One of the many new things I have learnt in the few weeks I have been at this site is the Gatekeeper Theory ...

Basically it says that your mind acts as the gatekeeper to your memories, it'll only let out those memories it knows you can cope with. I haven't really delved into it much, but on the superficial level I am comforted by it. It means I can work on the stuff I have on my plate now, without worrying other stuff is gonna come rushing at me when I am not ready for it.

I hope this helps, but nonetheless ...
remember to be nice to yourself \:\)

Keep Smilin'

#205694 - 02/17/08 05:10 PM Re: gripe session [Re: mogigo]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Don't quit. What always kept me going was that the next corner may be the one I needed and I was afraid to quit and miss out on it.

Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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