It is 0250 and I canít sleep. I woke up thinking about something frost said in Chat yesterday evening. I started thinking about stuffed animals and their place in childhood. I have a affinity for them and have bought them all my life but never kept them for myself. I wondered why and this is what I got in my sleepy state.
I am angry at my younger self. Very angry. He should have stopped the abuse of my body. He could easily done that by just speaking up. My father was basically a coward and would have backed off immediately if I had given any resistance at all. But I didnít. I was so needy and so insecure I let him do anything he wanted so long as he would keep coming back to me. I let him peep at me though my windows during intimate and private moments. I let him control me and my sister and my mother and I could have said something. I could have stopped it just by saying something. I got all passive aggressive with him on many occasions because I didnít have the balls to open my mouth and say no.
Yes, I am angry at little roger. Angry humiliated, embarrassed, and ashamed. That continued most of my life. I got into relationships that were no good for me because I felt that was all I deserved. I was abused by others as I grew up because ĎI really didnít deserve any betterí. I let people walk all over me because they were better than me and at least they let me hang around with them some. I think I was actually angry at younger people for the ME that I saw in them. If they were needy and lonely it made me angry.
My first wife was that way and I think that is where my anger towards her came from. I could not explain it then but now it makes sense at 0315 this morning. My first born son was the same way. Lonely, needy, clingy and I think I actually despised him for those traits that I felt in my younger self but could not articulate or even understand at the time.
My daughter has those traits but I am older and wiser now and it have tried to meet the need I see there in her with extra love, attention, and comforting. I donít know exactly how or when I turned that corner sometime back when she was small but somehow I did and we are very close now. Thank God, somehow I turned into a halfway decent dad.
Now I need to address little roger.
Kiddo, I am so sorry I was mean to you. I just didnít know and didnít realize back then what was going on in my mind. I feel like I abused you too. My hate and shame drove me to do things that hurt you and me. I ended up hurting so many others that I loved and that needed me because I was so messed up and confused. I am so sorry I did that. I have been trying to understand and do better but I owe you an apology for treating you as I did. They call it self hate and that is what it is. But I know it was my little self that I hated. It was you. That part of me that was young and scared and didnít understand all of what was happening to you. It was not your fault. You are not to blame. I forgive your weakness, your neediness (so deprived of affection how could you be any other way), your refusal to stand up and say stop. I forgive all of that. You are me, the me I was and good or bad, weak or strong I accept you. I love you and I welcome you home back into my heart and mind. I will not longer resent you or be mean to you anymore. I Promise.
Well, as bad as I wanted to finish my sleep I could not lay there awake and with my mind going a mile a minute any more. I had to get this out. I hope this didnít trigger anyone.
Edited by Freedom49 (02/16/08 06:37 PM)