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#205303 - 02/15/08 04:02 PM Who I Never Was
Bobby Offline

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Eventually I will have to dwell with who I am
Not how I am reflected in others' eyes
Who I was before
But "before" was so early
One, maybe two
And yet, there was a brief before
A child, born who he was
Changed so early on
Hidden from a life he could not understand
How strange to try to find him now
How strange to try to define my new self in a baby so quickly gone
So quick to hide himself away
And yet, I must......know him
Who he was......before he wasn't anymore
And accept myself, when others will surely find that difficult
For, in my fear of life, I have let the world mold a man from easy clay
A child who gave up hope of ever living
We're in there somewhere
The two of us
Reaching out, like God to Adam
Adam back to God
Not touching yet, but reaching nonetheless, as hard as we can reach
And, when we touch.......
If we touch
When we're whole again
Will it be too late to define what would have been?
Who would have been?
To shatter mirrors in others' eyes?
And what if I don't like the man I should become?
Must I become?
And if I don't, will all the me's explode at once,
Leaving nothing but dust where once I was?
A scary path this path of healing
Perhaps I'll just live my abuse a little longer
At least I know me there
Know who I am
How I react
I'm not sure bravery is in my DNA
And yet, I must find out
Must be
Must try to be
Please, God, give me the courage to be
Who I never was

I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.

#205349 - 02/15/08 09:14 PM Re: Who I Never Was [Re: Bobby]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
Who you are is really wonderful. Still some rough edges sure. But the healing is making you into someone I would be proud to call my friend. Thank you for sharing this.

#205657 - 02/17/08 02:01 PM Re: Who I Never Was [Re: Freedom49]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

You already have the courage. So do all of us. How did the little guy even survive, if not through his courage? I think our challenge isn't so much to gain courage from outside ourselves, so much as it is to rediscover the courage we have had all along.

Little Bobby never gave up; he got through and now he's part of a grown up caring man. You don't have less courage than he did. Like all our little guys, he just needs to see you claim it and use it.

But you know, I have seen so much courage from you over the past years we have known one another. I'm not surprised to read in your recent poems about how Little Bobby feels special, important, loved and safe these days.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#205675 - 02/17/08 03:36 PM Re: Who I Never Was [Re: Bobby]
dancr6 Offline

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
It seems we share a life of wondering and doubt
strength and weakness, compassion and anger, fear of trust.
I feel our strength when I read your words Bobby.

I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!


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