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#205100 - 02/14/08 04:14 AM Back Again!
endlessjourney Offline

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
It's good to see all of these familiar names. I missed chatting with you guys.

This is a sad story about me. Not necessarily about the abuse, but about the pain it caused later in life. A story about a young boy who didn't have very good social skills because he was so scared all of the time. A boy who watched children frolick in happiness around him from elementary school until college, and felt like he was left out. There was something wrong with him or so he thought. Sitting at home by himself at nights, wishing he was out with certain crowds he knew and observed but didn't feel he had it in him to handle the social situations required to do so.

This boy found his solice amongst those similar to him. He discovered drugs and beer and felt just as good as everyone else in some aspects. However, while at school, it was like being on the outside looking in. He was so dissociated in stuck in his own dissillusion that he allowed himself to forget how painful it was to lack social skills and be the odd man out. Sometimes the memories of high School are just aweful.

This boy has grown into a man and has came a long way since then. He sees these people from highschool that he once knew but was too ashamed and scared to talk to has open conversation thus he has pretty much alleviated his fears and insecurities. He's learned to talk and open up. However, some days, those feelings tend to come back. One day, he's the life of the party and a huge social butterfly. Everything he once desired to be. Other's he feels as if he is right back where he was years ago.

OK, Jason talks in 3rd person sometimes but it helps me to get things out in post sometimes LOL. I'm not nuts, really..... Um Yea... LOL. However, this state of contentness that I speak of happens when I exercise, sleep right, eat right, and lay off the beer. Yea, I've had my struggles with alcohol and drugs. In fact Ms. Barleynhopps and I are still going through our separation. We've departed but sometimes, whenever I think she's outta my hair, she comes back to harrass me and take all of my money.

My point is that why put off taking care of ourselves for one more day. That's just one more day of feeling like SH-T! Taking care of ourselves makes us happy. Many who read this are sober and have been for a long time. Others maybe are still drinking or drugging. Ultimately, getting sober is the best way to improve our quality of life but if we're not ready to quit, which some of us aren't, or we relapse, doing something good for ourselves will make your days more bearable. Going for a walk or cooking a nice meal seems to help. Or even just stopping and freeing your mind for a bit. Music is my way of doing that.

Also, if you're not ready to change your party lifestyle, or just simply let go of whatever vice ails you, readin up on it and staying informed will help you to make better decisions. I think the shame addicts have about being addicts clouds our judgement of what is really going on. Now, guilt is there for a reason. It lets us know we made a mistake. Sometimes beating up on ourselves for drinking or drugging makes us want to use more. Perhaps understanding where we went wrong and why and then making whatever choices are neccessary to change those things is the best policy.

This passage was written with hopes of inspiring those with addiction to avoid falling and hitting rock bottom and then bringing that rock bottom up to you.


Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

#205102 - 02/14/08 04:21 AM Re: Back Again! [Re: endlessjourney]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
Good story and good words Jason. Told by someone who obviously knows what he is talking about. Thanks for the post and long live the Truth.

#205116 - 02/14/08 06:28 AM Re: Back Again! [Re: Freedom49]
Hauser Offline

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2963
Loc: United States
Hi again Jason, good to see you.

Good post, good advice, I can think of nothing to add to it!

#205147 - 02/14/08 03:37 PM Re: Back Again! [Re: Hauser]
Poet24 Offline

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 36
I agree, good post. Sometimes I wish I was addicted to alcohol, now don't get me wrong, not like that, I mean in place of being addicted to self-depricating thoughts and actions, in my mind those can be hardest to get past because there is no such thing as rehab for that. This post has really made me think hard. THank you for posting it.

Poet 24

THe spirit is a fragile thing, easy to break, but not impossible to fix.

#205149 - 02/14/08 03:55 PM Re: Back Again! [Re: Poet24]
Muldoon Offline

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Jason thanks for your thoughts on this. It is very hard at times to look at our lives and see it in the true light of Recovery. Ending the Negative life style patterns are one of those major hurtle we must jump over before we can find true healing. Sounds like you are on a good path.


Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

#205153 - 02/14/08 04:11 PM Re: Back Again! [Re: Muldoon]
Hauser Offline

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2963
Loc: United States
I've not had a drink since Sep 21st of 2007. I've not smoked marijuana since the summer of 2005. I THINK I'm fostering the beginnings of a better and more meaningful life, but I need a fucking job and affords me the dignity I deserve, and the opportunities that come with it. This is MY greatest barrier.

#205172 - 02/14/08 07:00 PM Re: Back Again! [Re: Hauser]
ConfusedinKS Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 6
Loc: Kansas United States
wow, that is so very close to myself, just wow. No matter how many times I read it, I find it very reassuring (not that I would wish the CA on anyone) that I wasn't the only one who ended up walking down that road at one time. Feeling out of place seems like a understatement.

A wonderful post. Kudos.

#205188 - 02/14/08 09:59 PM Re: Back Again! [Re: ConfusedinKS]
onlyakid Offline

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1577
Loc: New Jersey
Your story is alot like mine, only difference is that my drug of choice is/was food (overeating) and I still haven't gotten past my insecurities. I hope my story will continue and eventually look like yours.

Thank you for sharing your story, I'm glad to see I'm not alone

"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"

#205222 - 02/15/08 02:08 AM Re: Back Again! [Re: onlyakid]
ericc Offline

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 1986
Jason, your post hits close to home. I realize now that I was drinking and drugging in high school and beyond to fit in (not to mention it took me away from myself). Although I wasn't as aware of it at the time, I was very insecure and full of anxieties those years. The drinking has been the main problem for a long time, as other substances got to the point of making me think too much about things I could not control. I am now ready to quit drinking. I have made good progress the last year or so, but am not all the way there yet. What was hard was trying to address an alcohol problem, but not the abuse issue. Now I see I need to recover from the abuse, and the alcohol goes hand in hand with that. I am ready to give it up and replace it with more positive things. We all deserve better.

Hauser, I know what you are saying about the job thing. It has gotten better for me the last couple of years, but for the longest time I couldn't do a darn thing to get anywhere with finding good work. As a kid I was considered very bright and gifted, and I always thrived on learning and exploring new things. Anyway, I guess what I am getting at is that I had all the opportunities and qualities that would have allowed me to achieve much more than I have been able to do. I just was incapable in my adult life to survive in the adult world. In fact, this sort of goes back to the alcohol thing and makes me think of coping mechanisms. I think your not drinking is very positive. I would say keep at it with the job thing and don't give up.


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