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#204764 - 02/12/08 01:15 AM Where would you be today?
John Oarc Offline

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
Sorry for sounding negative but I have gone through something I thought I had finished but as of today I had a little push to bring up the past. It's winter and that can get the best of us as you know but I think it has taken me into a bit of depression. I am thinking about who I could have been and what I could have achieved with my life if the CSA had not occurred.

I know that I am a good person and I have a great life but for some reason I am trying to make sense of it, trying to figure out the why's and what if's again. I'm feeling like God owes me something or the world owes me something in return for the devistation to my adult life, all the things lost because of the trauma, the low self esteem that drove me to achieve less than and all the rest of the crazy things CSA does to a person.

So my question to you guys:

Where do you think you would be today if the CSA would not have occurred and what do you think about trying to achieve it i.e. try to get where you think you should be. What stops you and why.

I've been down this road before but sometimes in the recovery process we go back to stages and hash them out until we are done. Right now I am dealing with the anger of what I lost, I'm 42 and thinking about my future, retirement, what I have contributed to this world, where am I going etc.

I want to ask if I have helped anyone through my book or on this site just to see if maybe it was worth it, this is of course the simple need for approval coming out from my codependent root but sometimes we need a pick me up and today I am taking anything I can get.

Whatever It Takes, God

#204766 - 02/12/08 01:30 AM Re: Where would you be today? [Re: John Oarc]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
Where would I be today? I have always wanted to study physics and mathematics. I had planned on being a math major in college and HS but dad moved me around so much I never got all the courses that I needed and finally gave up. Soo I would probably be presenting the unified field theory to the scientific community and getting my nobel prize in mathematical physics.

As for achieving it now.... well I am 59 this month and have family, bills and other responsibiliies that would prevent that or at least make it to difficult to achieve at this point.

Now my interest has waned in that area. I am busy raising my daugher, loveing my wife and sons, forgiving myself for past sins, recovering from my twisted life. Now I just want peace and for someone who cares to be standing in the grass close by when I am lowered into the earth. That would be nice.

As for you John Oarc, Yes you, and others have helped me by being here and letting me read your posts. I am reading your book now. Sharing your life is an encouragement for me and I thank you for that. Your openness like others on this site, helps me to be open and gives me hope. If you feel you have not been thanked enough then I am happy to give you my thanks here and now.

Edited by Freedom49 (02/12/08 01:33 AM)

#204769 - 02/12/08 01:52 AM Re: Where would you be today? [Re: Freedom49]
MemoryVault Offline

Registered: 03/02/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Where do you think you would be today if the CSA would not have occurred and what do you think about trying to achieve it i.e. try to get where you think you should be. What stops you and why.

If the whole tangled mess of stuff (including SA) hadn't happened...

I'd be wealthy, smug, and basically a jerk. I'd have the courage to go for my dreams, but my dreams would be the conventional climb-the-ladder kind. I'd be a "nice guy" on the surface, but wouldn't understand what people go through when they're in pain. I'd still be creative but have nothing to say.

If I lived a life without secrets, but without real challenges, I'd be simpler, duller. I'd never have needed to escape into books, so I wouldn't have read the books. A Lexus, but no Shakespeare. Would anything have come along to push me out of my natural self-centeredness?

It's a Catch-22--today I have a lot to say and offer, but am usually too scared to say much, or to believe I have anything to offer. No abuse, no challenges, would mean I wouldn't have those fears and doubts, but there'd be a whole lot less of me.

If I passed the sleek, happy, Yuppie version of me on the street, I doubt I'd know him, or want to. But I still need to find a better way to work with the life I've had...

I'm sorry I haven't read your book--I'd be interested in it.

Edited by MemoryVault (02/12/08 01:55 AM)

#204785 - 02/12/08 03:09 AM Re: Where would you be today? [Re: MemoryVault]
mogigo Offline

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I think I'd be making people laugh, it was always my goal in life when I was young. Hard to make people laugh when I stopped laughing myself.

You just helped me so much right now John



#204789 - 02/12/08 03:19 AM Re: Where would you be today? [Re: mogigo]

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 983
I think that my life would be diffrent. I would not have roled up my problems in a Joint and tried to smoke my toroblea away . I boleive that Iwould of made better choises . Because I have made a lot of bad desisions. out of anger and hurt



"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

#204790 - 02/12/08 03:30 AM Re: Where would you be today? [Re: OKIE MIKE]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon
I dunno, John. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it. I know life would have been different for me. How? I've no idea.

I'm a moderately successful man working in mid-level management for a local wood products manufacturing firm. I don't like my job, principally because the boss is a micromanager and doesn't appreciate the guys he's building his empire on. I'm sure if I had more self confidence things would be different for me, but that was taken from me many years ago.

The thing is, at least for me, I choose to look at the possibilities rather than what I am not or what I did not become. I know that is not the path everyone else needs to take, but it is the one I choose.

Lots of love,


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#204797 - 02/12/08 04:12 AM Re: Where would you be today? [Re: John Oarc]
onlyakid Offline

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1577
Loc: New Jersey
Hmm..Where would I be today if the CSA hadn't occured? Well, I probably would be living in my own apartment (whether I'd be living with a girlfriend, I don't know), I think I would have atleast had a girlfriend by now, I'd probably have a college degree by now and I'd probably be working at some IT department for a midsize company rather than making $10.25 an hour fixing PCs at the same small computer store I've worked at since I was 16. Or I might have been working as a reservationist for an airline somewhere, I've always enjoyed traveling and if I had enough confidence to work with the public more I think I may have tried it.


"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"

#204801 - 02/12/08 05:20 AM Re: Where would you be today? [Re: onlyakid]
Elad 12 Offline

Registered: 02/15/05
Posts: 1176
Loc: on the coast
Interesting question as that is exactly what I am in the process of obtaining. Sorry that I have not read your book so cannot comment on it. What I can say is that I have been consciously dealing with my CSA for 18 years now, everyday. Until recently I figured I would be stuck in this place of dealing with it for ever....dealing with it and never moving beyond it. I never thought that I would get to this place but I actually feel like I can move on, that I can have a life better then I have allowed myself to have up to this point. I will always be a survivor of child sexual abuse but for the first time in my life I feel like the work I've done is paying off and that I can create the life I would have had without the SA. I might add that I would not have believed this was possible a couple few months ago. It is possible though. The hardest part for me has been giving up my identity as an abuse survivor. It has been who I am for so long. I was so happy when I first discovered that that is who I am. I had found myself. It is hard to give that up but what I have realized is that as long as I cling to that as the definition of who I am I cannot seem to move beyond that. Are we destined to be sexual abuse survivors forever? Thats not what I want. I want the life that little boy in me deserved and I intend to get it for him.


#204803 - 02/12/08 05:42 AM Re: Where would you be today? [Re: onlyakid]
ericc Offline

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 1986

This is a good post for me. I have done and do spend a lot of time doing what-if type thinking. I know I need to let it go, but I also feel it may be part of the grieving process. Had I not been sexually abused/traumatized, I sometimes feel I would have been pretty successful financially, probably had a beautiful wife, wonderful kids, and I wouldn't have suffered some of the damage I have been through; basically I would have been happy and content with my life. Or sometimes that is what I imagine the way it would have been. What keeps that from happening now? Well I am getting to the age that for me being a first time parent seems not a good idea. For one, I would really need to get my crap together and truly fall in love and feel I could provide emotionally to bring kids into this world. That is probably not in the near future. Well as far as the rest, I am trying to create a better job/financial situation for myself. I always wanted to create my own business, and I am trying to slowly apply my creativity and talents to this possible goal. And maybe, if I start to heal and can allow myself to let others in, I may find myself in a relationship with a wonderful other who loves me for who I am. Yeah, sometimes I get real down thinking about what could have been.

But I also am starting to see, much as MV has stated, that I may have ended up someone I might not have really liked all that much anyway. Even if I wasn't 'smug' and 'a jerk', I may have had found myself buying into a false dream I was sold, and never really have known anything different. Or more likely, I would have felt something was wrong with my life, but having not been forced to think so deeply about things, I would have been unable to put my finger on what it was. Not that I will ever be happy about the fact that the abuse and all its effects were part of my life, but it does give one a different view on life that can often hold deep meaning.

Well, since I can't ever take back what happened or all the wasted years, though I will continue to engage in what-if thinking from time to time, I am going to try my best to make positive life choices that will benefit me as I heal and move forward. I am starting to see that since I can't really predict what tomorrow will bring for me, that I should at least work on making the best choices for today, so that when tomorrow comes it will put me in a better position to make something positive out of it. Well, that is what I can say when I am in a more idealized frame of mind; I still sometimes see things as futile and waste of time. But this passes like everything else, so it is best that I make good decisions even in the rough times so as to help make my tomorrows a better reality than some of my yesterdays. At least I should try. And I know sometimes dreams need revising; I would like nothing more than to learn how to do that.


#204816 - 02/12/08 08:10 AM Re: Where would you be today? [Re: ericc]

The more and more I think about, I would probably be where I am right now. I really dont know. Good question.

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