[qb] One of my abusers was my mother, and a lot of times I doubt myself because she never did anything overtly sexual, just had me sleep with her and showering with me until I was twelve,(is there a graemlin for throwing up?) and also making constant sexual comments on my body.
Ken, one of my abusers, the main one, was my mother. She did a lot of the stuff you mention, but there was also some over stuff...
Here's our graemlin:
[QB]I doubt myself a lot. I think that I'm making a big deal out of nothing, or that I'm some kind of perv for putting the sexual connotation in the relationship.
I used to think that too sometimes. But no Ken we're not the pervs...
[QB] Here's the thing: when I doubt myself I feel like I have to die, I don't deserve to live, there's something fundamentally wrong with me, I brought all the crap into my life becuase of who I am, etc.....
If you doubt yourself my friend then what else is there?
[QB] When I trust myself, I feel like maybe I can be a part of the human race, like maybe I can make the rest of my life into something rewarding, maybe I can build some good relationships, maybe I can be a whole man.
Of course you do. And you can. We can.
[QB] So, for me that's the choice. I literally can't live a life without trusting myself. Right now I can't hold on to this all the time, but I'm working on it.
Ken, keep holding on. Keep listening to the right voices, especially your own. Trust yourself.
[QB] Jason, be gentle with yourself. Stirring up these feelings seems to be a process that's two steps forward, one step back. Thanks for posting this topic.
Ken you're so right. And thank you for summarizing
this so well & putting it into such simple & powerful words.
But I do know that it was not just the violence that was abusive, the whole thing was. He used my neediness to play with me.
You are right about it all being abuse. Sexual abuse isn't just about physical pain, its all the other twisted dynamics that play out.
Yes Bob is right.
In the last couple years I've read all kinds of definitions of what sexual abuse is. They all say pretty much what you're saying, Ken. It's not just intercourse or blatantly sexual acts. It's all the sexual touches, looks, words, exposures, etc etc ad nauseum.
Getting this stuff out of my system is a key to feeling better!
Take care Ken