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#202801 - 01/31/08 04:41 PM New here, have ?? to help the surivior in my life
TurningSunday Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/31/08
Posts: 7
Loc: USA
Hello All,

First let me start off by saying that, I'm here to help my boyfriend, whom had kept his childhood abuse from anyone until approximately 2 years ago. I'm also here to offer any help I may be able to offer to friends and family members of CSA.

Now with all that being said, let me just say that, I can ramble on and on, or rather write a "book", therefore, without going into to much details....(time issues right now) I'm gonna just ask about what it is thats concerning my boyfriend. I'm particuarly interested in the replys I get from some of the suriviors who have maybe had some of the same feelings.

My boyfriend was raped by a male family member around 12 years of age. Because of the threats etc., he didn't tell anyone. He couldn't tell and couldn't avoid being around this person either, therefore it continued for along time, until eventually he became a willing participant. This meaning he went of his own freewill throughout his high school years. This family member also introduced "others" I believe up to five into the home, forcing my bf to perform with them as well. At first, my bf fought back but soon found it easier to just be cooperative rather than take the additional violent abuse.

Later he went on to find pleasure from the activities and participated in their "parties" willingly. Lots of porn, & drugs were involved as I've read is quite common or rather happens often.

He doesn't question his sexuality now, however at the time he did, and still wonders now if he were gay (or considered gay) at the time. Because he eventually grew to enjoy what was happening, he feels he must have been gay. He prefers to think that he wasn't, but just confused because of the initial abuse, however he is interested in if others have felt the same way, but know they are straight now. He wonders how they felt about what they were doing. Did they think they were gay, or do they think that it happened to them and at they time they thought they were gay, but know they are straight now? If this is the case how do they cope with that? I personally don't know why he is so desperate to find the answers to this, because he doesn't feel he is this way now. I guess he can't forgive himself now because he did it willingly after so long. My instincts tell me that he wasn't gay, but thought he was because of the abuse and because at that time in your life, your confused anyways. I love him either way too. I've read alot of the suriviors posts and I know that some are still confused about their identies, actions etc., I don't know if anyone has had similar situations, where they actually came to like it and did it willingly, but later realized that they didn't and wanted to be with a woman. As I understand it, "they" had parties where it was all males, lots of drugs, porn etc. Soon after graduation, he removed himself from the events and left town. He left because he knew that something was wrong, and he wanted to see if he still had feelings for men. He ended up married and with 3 children. Until recently he had kept this all to himself. We have discussed so much of the events in great detail. I must say it saddens, angers, scares me to hear of his stories, however I truly believe that he needs me or someone to tell them too. I feel like if he keeps them in and tries to keep them covered up, it's not helping him at all.

I just want to help him and I'm looking for any information or experiences anyone has had with the sexuality issues at the time of the abuse, and particularly how they feel about it now. So that I can help him along in his journey to recovering.

"The best way to help a person in grief, is to express those things in any way that you can."

#202827 - 01/31/08 06:15 PM Re: New here, have ?? to help the surivior in my life [Re: TurningSunday]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1

Welcome to the site. EVERYTHING you ask here...has been answered here at one point or another....and will be re-answered here if you want. Let me tackle the "gay back then" issue.

First, I dont think it matters one peanut how your BF or I identify "what we were back then." But if I had to put a label on what I was from age 10-14, I'd have to say "I was a feircely sexually active BOY with NO way of knowing my true orientation." Did I enjoy it? Hell yes. Did that make me gay then?...don't know..don't care. I was having tons of male-male sex....and willingly...but I don't need to label my orientation from those days. It was what it was. Your BF and I were not given the opportunity to find our true orientation. We were thrust into same-sex activity against our will and then adapted in order to survive.

If BF is seeking answers, may I strongly recomend you get a copy of Mike Lew's book "Victims No Longer?" Nearly each and every word of that book spoke directly to me. I wanted to know how Mike Lew had followed me around all those years without me knowing it.

I'd also suggest (if he is ready to deal with this stuff) that he visit this site. It has been a life saver for me and others here. He can come here and tell his stories to people who have experienced similar stuff. We dont judge...we empathize and sympathize...we suport each other...and you.

#202929 - 02/01/08 02:07 AM Re: New here, have ?? to help the surivior in my life [Re: Still]
TurningSunday Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/31/08
Posts: 7
Loc: USA

Thank you so much. I've said the same things to him, however I think it would help him to know how others feel, whom have went through the same situation. I agree, it doesn't matter one peanut how he identified back then to me and I hope he can get to that point too. I like how you put it....."I was a feircely sexually active BOY with NO way of knowing my true orientation." Such a great way to label it.
Your BF and I were not given the opportunity to find our true orientation. We were thrust into same-sex activity against our will and then adapted in order to survive.

I've said these same things to him. I'll share this information with him. He doesn't have access at the present time to the internet, except when we are together, therefore, he's not able to get on this site. He's anxiously awaiting to get back on though, since I've told him about it. When he did have internet, he went to another site similar to this, but also dealt with female rape more. I believe this site will be much more helpful to him. BTW, he is ready to deal with site. I've helped him alot, because prior to me he had held it in for over 20 years. I'm understanding and love him very much, but it can be alot to hear and I'd hate to give him wrong information. We are seeking out Therapist, as we feel like they can help him more now, since he's able to share what happened more. Sometimes I tell him he may not get all the answers he likes, but we can continue to work towards recovery.

As for the book.........I've seen that book, while doing my research. I'll definately get it for him. So many books, ya's hard to know which to get. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. "We" are grateful!!

"The best way to help a person in grief, is to express those things in any way that you can."

#202992 - 02/01/08 08:31 AM Re: New here, have ?? to help the surivior in my life [Re: TurningSunday]
frost Offline

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?

I will second Rob's recommendation of the book "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew. Much of the book is dedicated to simply describing the ways in which abuse affects one's life. It will give your boyfriend a good idea of how his life has been affected (by identifying with parts of the book) and that will effectively give him a place to start.

In terms of the 'what was I?' sexuality issue, I think he might be 'stuck' on trying to figure that out because he just doesn't understand how to explain what was happening to him at the time. I was abused for 9 years. Like Rob mentioned above, the first years, age 6-10 it wasn't beneficial or physically pleasing to me in any way. It was my abuser's attention that I craved and that's what kept me coming back. Once I got into my early teens however, 11-15, it's a different story where I had discovered it feels good and I often sought out sexual situations with my abuser and for that I carried a great deal of confusion, shame, guilt, and misunderstanding for many years. In the last year that I've been coming to MaleSurvivor, my life, and my thoughts have been dramatically changed for the best. I am finally understanding these otherwise incomprehensible parts of my childhood/youth and have done a lot of healing. I still have a long way to go but like Rob says, this site has been a lifesaver time and time again and I'm certain it will continue to be.

It's really amazing what happens in the life of a survivor once the silence is broken.

Wishing you all the best and thank you for being supportive of your survivor boyfriend!



#203015 - 02/01/08 03:36 PM Re: New here, have ?? to help the surivior in my life [Re: frost]
VictoryisRs Offline

Registered: 12/13/07
Posts: 36
Loc: Seattle, WA
TS, I echo the thoughts of both Robbie & Brian on here. Mike Lew's book was real eye-opener for me. Another good book to fet is Beyond Betrayal" Taking Charge of Your Life after Boyhood Sexual Abuse, by Richard B. Gartner, Ph.D. Dr. Gartnter is a highly respected psychologist in this area and a big supporter (and former Board Member) of the Male Survivor website. He discusses orientation in his book--not really going into the pathology of sexual orientation as much as helping people heal. He doesn't leave the gay person out of the question or insist that they 'change'. I myself new from a very early age that I was gay, but don't consider the abuse the 'event' that formed my sexual orientation. The pattern in this respect is different for everyone and not everyone who is abused grows up being gay.I wish you and your BF peace in your journey.

#203514 - 02/04/08 05:03 PM Re: New here, have ?? to help the surivior in my life [Re: VictoryisRs]
tartugas Offline

Registered: 02/12/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC

Welcome to the site. I'm glad you've found us. This place is a great support system for survivors as well as for those who live with and love us.

I'd encourage you to take a look at the current newsletter which was just published. There is an article in there (on page 15) written specifically for someone in just your situation.

I would add, that our sexuality is not something imposed on us by outside forces, and a integral part of our core selves that we own. Whether or not someone is gay has nothing to do with what experiences they have had, but what they feel on the inside. The abuse your bf experienced in no way determined his sexuality. As an adult, he is now the sole owner of his sexuality, and can share it with whomever he wishes. The process of learning that lesson is difficult and confusing. But he should know that if feels that he is straight, then that is what he is, no matter what happened in the past.

Best of luck to you both.


Stay strong and know that neither of you are alone.

"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence


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