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#202788 - 01/31/08 03:14 PM Do I fit in here?
VLinvictus Offline

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY

I just want to introduce myself and would honestly value any feedback I can receive.

The member "MemoryVault" is a very dear friend of mine and I have admired his strength and his courage as he comes to grip with his experiences and their effect on his life. In sharing my life story with him, I recognize and identify with many of the same issues that he and many of you are grappling with.

He introduced me to this site and I've been impressed with the community and support that I see displayed here, but I do not want to intrude on a place where I do not belong. That would not be fair to those for whom these forums are intended.

What makes me hesitant is whether or not I can say that I was sexually abused. Certainly, I suffered a great deal of emotional abuse from my father and an inappropriate lack of boundaries from my mother who treated me as a surrogate spouse in place of my father. My father was occassionally physically violent with me, as well.

I am 28 now and am reasonably secure in my identity as a gay man, but when I was going through puberty it was an exceptionally traumatic time for me. I think it's fairest to say that I sexually abused and victimized myself. I was 13 or 14 the first time I discovered that men have sex with men in public restrooms, and from that point on I sought out every opportunity I could, putting myself occassionally in danger. After every encounter, I would plunge into a pit of self-loathing and hatred and guilt and shame, hating myself, wishing I could die, and vowing never to do it again. Until I did it again.

I remember vividly using the restroom at a cultural site museum in England and encountering a German man at the urinal. I was 14 and he was in his late 40s I believe. He solicited me and I accepted, following him into the restroom stall. As I think about this now, I'm horrified. This man could have murdered me and there would have been nothing I or my parents or anyone could have done about it! I wish this was the only incident of the like, but it is not.

I still struggle with these issues. I still use sex to gain validation and self-esteem and drive away feelings. I still see myself as a victim. I'm afraid to open up and trust others. But I've made some progress thanks to therapy and an experience in a 12-step recovery fellowship. It was only in the past year, since my father's death, that I was able to come out and label his treatment of me "abusive." My therapist helped me recognize that my partner's behavior is abusive. The 12-step program for sexual compulsivitity helped me understand how my mind and feelings work -- even if I can't yet bridge the gap from intellectual understanding to emotional healing.

I would very much like a forum to talk and share with people struggling with similar feelings, but I do not want to violate anyone's sense of security if my history doesn't properly qualify me for this board.

I await your feedback with some nervousness, but also hope.

Thank you very much for reading.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

#202791 - 01/31/08 03:31 PM Re: Do I fit in here? [Re: VLinvictus]
Scoutvictim Offline

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri

Let me first say, Welcome, and I'm glad you're here. I do believe you belong here, this is a great place to share.

I have some similar feelings about your comment, regarding self inflicted abuse.

I have several thoughts I want to share, but I have to get to work. I will put my thoughts together and respond later today.

Please feel free to pull up a chair and stay awhile. You are always welcome.


Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

#202793 - 01/31/08 03:32 PM Re: Do I fit in here? [Re: VLinvictus]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1

In my never-to-be-humble opinion, YES you do belong here. Your father's abuse VERY likley drove you to your sexual behaviour with older men. Our parent's treatment/neglect/abuse of us is what sets MANY of us up (me included) as perfect targets of sexual victimization.

So you walked into these situations (willingly in your mind). You sought out the encounters. Let me ask you this...Do you honestly think that was driven by anything other than your upbringing?

Welcome to the site. I think you belong! (and you gotta listen to me...I'm pre-med)

Edited by Robbie Brown (01/31/08 03:33 PM)

#202797 - 01/31/08 04:07 PM Re: Do I fit in here? *DELETED* [Re: VLinvictus]
krayoss Offline

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 112
Loc: west
Post deleted by krayoss

#202806 - 01/31/08 05:04 PM Re: Do I fit in here? [Re: krayoss]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Let me put your fears to rest and welcome you, like the others to our community here on MaleSurvivor. Yes, you do indeed belong here. As Rob points out, the episodes you talk about were basically set up by the unhealthy situation at home and there are many guys here who will vouch for that from their own experiences. Being mistreated by his father and used as a surrogate spouse by his mother are some of the most terrible things that can happen to a boy. I know the site will be able to help you as you seek to heal from these and other experiences. None of it was your fault.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#202807 - 01/31/08 05:05 PM Re: Do I fit in here? [Re: krayoss]
Barney Offline

Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Glad that you have allowed us to get to know your history. I can relate to some of your experiences and hope that you will find the caring and acceptance you deserve here. Keep reaching out, your doing lots of good things for yourself and let us be here to support.


#202835 - 01/31/08 07:46 PM Re: Do I fit in here? [Re: Barney]
Calanthe Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/24/08
Posts: 109
Loc: California

Thanks for sharing your story and welcome.

I have to agree with what everyone else has said that you belong here because in many ways you have told my story (i.e. physically abused by my Father, being my mother’s surrogate emotional husband, being Gay, looking for validation through sex and becoming a sexual compulsive).

This background set up me to be the perfect target for a sexual predator when I 26. This predator then proceeded to abuse me emotionally, spiritually and sexually in a way that took me years to understand and start to heal from. So yes I think are in the right place and I am not surprised to hear you have found yourself in an abusive relationship. But it sounds like you are doing a lot work to break/heal your patterns so you will not have to continue repeating your programming from childhood.

Good Luck and Welcome,


#202955 - 02/01/08 04:07 AM Re: Do I fit in here? [Re: Calanthe]
VLinvictus Offline

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
I would like to thank all of you for your kind and supportive words. They are worth more to me than I can express. I'm going through quite a lot of crap right now, so it's nice to find some silver lining once in a while instead of big scary storm clouds.


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

#202988 - 02/01/08 07:56 AM Re: Do I fit in here? [Re: VLinvictus]
GateKPR4 Offline

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Welcome to MS VLinvictus,
After reading your post it looks like abuse to me.

My father used to verbally abuse most of us kids especially me and the 2 younger ones. He drank all the time and when he got drunk is when he got verbally abusive. It really messed up my self image, self esteem.

I still remember being woke up in the middle of the night and all of us kids 5 at the time catching hell about how bad we were and it was our fault for that his life was messed up. on and on......... sometimes it would last an hour or more. I think 2 1/2 - 3 hours was the longest lecture. Man had more lectures than a Harvard professor.

Sad that you need to be here I think you fit in .
Glad you found us. There are many different forums as well as chat. I'm sure you will find something that may help you out.

I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
|| || || || || || |

#203009 - 02/01/08 02:37 PM Re: Do I fit in here? [Re: GateKPR4]
weapher Offline

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Oregon
Yep... you belong!

I hope you find this place as helpful and encouraging as I have. Awesome group of men that can help you on this journey. Remember, iron sharpens iron and your sword is a little dull right now. \:\)


Facing the struggle makes you strong.

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