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#202757 - 01/31/08 01:21 PM New with a question
still_intact Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/31/08
Posts: 4
I looked over this forum briefly and didn't see what I was looking for. Maybe I missed it.

I'm looking for a support group for adult men that have been raped by adult women.

I see lots of stuff about men raped by men, and boys abused as children. But this is different. It's very specific, and I don't feel like coming out and talking about it unless I am talking with other adult men who've been raped by adult women. In fact, I feel that it's so secretive and humiliating that I would prefer it to be a closed and private forum.

Am I at the right place, or the wrong place?

Thank you

#202762 - 01/31/08 01:32 PM Re: New with a question [Re: still_intact]
Paul1959 Offline

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
You are absolutely in the right place. Welcome. You are definitely not alone.
There are plenty of guys here who were adult men abused by women. Having said that, I know it is probably hard to believe, but the shame you feel about your abuse, is pretty much identical to the shame many of us felt about our abuse - no matter what it was. As far as open vs. closed forum, You can always become a dues paying memeber and post only on the member's side for more privacy. Google can't find you there.
As you read, remember that places like these forums go in random cycles and while it may not be loaded with guys in your exact situation, stick around. You are not alone, nor unusual. The adult abuse is far more common than you believe.
Welcome, please give this place a chance to welcome you and be part of your healing.

#202765 - 01/31/08 01:46 PM Re: New with a question [Re: Paul1959]
still_intact Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/31/08
Posts: 4
Thank you very much. I'm glad I signed in.

I have no doubt that survivors of other kinds of abuse suffer in the same way. I also don't think one kind is worse than another, that's not for me to say, nor is it my concern. I just want to find people who can relate to my situation. Like I cannot relate to being raped by a man, I'm sure a man who was raped by a man cannot relate to being raped by a woman... that's just an example. I'm sure we can relate to the pain and suffering, and even healing techniques... but not the situation.

I had bad luck elsewhere, which is why I wanted something more private, but I'm sure it's different here. i.e., elsewhere I had to be mixed up with women who were suffereing, and they put me down and didn't want me there... I kind of fear the same of others who've suffered differently.

I've tried talking with others, and even 1-on-1 therapy... but I feel there is only one way for me to truely heal... and that is to truely know that I am not alone. And until I can find a support group of men-raped-by-women (both as adults) I don't think I can even begin to heal. I deeply feel that I need a specific group, either online, or in real life... but by specific I truely mean "just men raped by women"... I cannot imagine healing otherwise. I need to feel the numbers, the group numbers, to feel not alone... and not just be mixed up in a group of many types of abuse (I fear that will make healing worse).

For the record, I'm not worried about others finding out. I'm also not worried about my "masculinity". I just need to know that I'm not "the lowest statistical point". I know this happens to men as much as it happens to women, because it's happened to me 3 times (two women), and I'm only 31 years old. My luck can't be that bad (even though the rest of the world tells me I'm lying).

I search google for male rape, and all I find is men raping men. Both men and women agree it happens, it's sad, and it should stop. But I can't find anything about women raping men.... then I do, and it's a school teacher raping a small boy. It's always justified in the public eye somehow, as "oh, I can see how that could happen"... but you'll never hear of adult men being raped by adult women. For this reason, I need the numbers, I need to know I'm not alone... not alone in THIS SPECIFIC type of abuse. Not just thrown into a crowd of people who've been abused in different ways (with no disrespect, I simply feel I know what I need to heal).

#202909 - 02/01/08 01:03 AM Re: New with a question [Re: still_intact]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

There are guys here who were abused or raped by adult women as adults, though yes, as you might expect that's a minority here. But you guys are not disrespected for that, nor is your pain minimized.

As you get used to the site I also think you will find you have many feelings and issues in common with others who do not necessarily have the same abuse history.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#202928 - 02/01/08 02:03 AM Re: New with a question [Re: still_intact]
GateKPR4 Offline

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Welcome to MS still_intact,
There are others here that have been through similar abuse.
Abuse is abuse no matter what age you are or by whom did the abusing. the results are usually the same. Guilt, shame, fear, confusion, isolation.
It's hard to find a place for support of male victims of sexual abuse. I was part of a cult which was with my last abuser. After reading many of the posts here I found that I related to a lot of the posts. The cult issue is not as important as the emotional / mental upset that the abuse caused for many years. There was so much more abuse than cult issues. Mental and emotional pain is what I needed help with and I have found that here and working with a good therapist.
I wish you well on your journey of recovery and discovery.

I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
|| || || || || || |

#202945 - 02/01/08 03:03 AM Re: New with a question [Re: GateKPR4]
mogigo Offline

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey s-i, I'm one who is very much hoping you will stay with us. I was r***d at 15 by a female, I'm not going to say I was an adult, but maybe a little closer to you're situation. I hope I don't discourage you too much but I did search for the type of site you're looking for quite a while, not adult on adult but woman perp - male victim, and to be brutally honest I was unable to find that, let alone adult female on adult male. I know it is not "exactly" what you are looking for, but I would urge you with all of my heart to give MS a try. I really have no more need for a site specifically geared to my situation because of this place. MS has given me everything I was looking for and more.

Please stay and Stay strong, you've found the right place


#203213 - 02/02/08 11:39 PM Re: New with a question [Re: mogigo]
LandOfShadow Offline

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Hi Still_intact,
I had an experience that perhaps could be called rape by a woman though I can't easily stand to think that because I really liked the girl (we were 20). I just know I felt horrible about it, ashamed and perhaps it's part of why I have avoided any possibility of a relationship with a woman since.

I've heard a couple other stories of men here that I certainly would call rape, no question, so there are four of us now. I know there are more. Sometimes you can "talk" privately in the chat area, or PM people, but all of us here have simularities to share about though our exact stories my differ.

Stay and check it out. I think you can find what you are looking for to help heal and grow. I wish you the best.

Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you

Paul Eluard

#207360 - 02/25/08 09:48 PM Re: New with a question [Re: LandOfShadow]
copenbay Offline

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi Still,

My story includes some of what you describe, though I hesitate to call it rape. I had several different incidents involving an adult woman I was living with, one of which was a violent attack by her. I feared her husband more than I did her, since he often threatened to cut off my nuts and shove them down my throat with his fist. He'd already beaten me up once in front of his children, so I knew he could carry out the other threat.
And his wife was a very angry woman: she grabbed me by the balls and the throat one time after cornering me in a narrow hallway. It was very painful, but since I still had clothes on, it's hard for me to really call it rape. And it only lasted a couple minutes, until I could free myself.
Still, I think I can say I know what you're going through. It seems like I had to second-guess myself even for doing what I did to get away, and then open myself to the questions of why I let her do that stuff to me in the first place.
And any time there's betrayal like that in a relationship with a woman, it seems even harder to deal with. There was some level of trust, or we never would have been vulnerable. And then we feel like fools for having allowed that vulnerability.



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