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#198673 - 01/09/08 02:06 AM looking for help w/o being told to post elsewhere
thecoopstah Offline

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
As i'm sure most of you know i have been a member for awhile now and have posted several thoughts,concerns,anger,sadness, etc etc on here however i'm in a relationship and i love her with all my heart and soul.

I have become very aware of my attitude(s)when we're away from each other for most of the day, i look forward to seeing her, i miss her when we're not together(be it she's at work or home and i'm with my uncle working) anyway i'm not sure why i feel trapped (if thats even how i feel,although i love my alone time away from her)

Only when i pick her up at work i cop (if you will)an atitude as though she's bothering me or my alone time is spoiled.She knows me extremely well afterall a blind man can tell when i'm pissy or in a mood.

I mentioned i feel trapped even though i'm not sure why and i hate to be the cause of her feeling uncomfortable,she's a lovely woman...this i have no doubt.

I just wish i could/would figure out when i feel like this i want to pick a fight with her,why,i look for reasons to find fault with her,why, i become very distant and tonight was no different although i almost always snap out of it.

Is there some way i can talk( you guys) with her and make the connection(s) as to the scenarios i create when it's not her i am irritated with IT"S ME .......she does not deserve this tonight for example.... i had to really try and muster the strength to ask her if she wanted a hug even though i didn't want to be bothered i gave her that hug of course.

Why do i act like this i fuckin hate it,
why am i feeling pressured or trapped,

i'm not hard to read in that when i'm in one of my moods i am no bargain to deal with, i damn sure am not fun to be around when i am like this......why why why keeps coming up for me....

is it the wedding in spetember that's causing these emtions

,is it me,or it is what it is.....who knows....i feel so broken and is it in fact i just dont measure up.

Could it be i believe i dont deserve to be happy therefore not have her in my life at all,

do i leave it alone

,do i think unconciously i am not worthy of "love"

....who knows ....i guess i'll make the connection and get in touch with what's really going on.....WITH ME and NOT HER....although i'd love to say its her because it takes the responsibility away from me and therefore play the victim afterall i'm essentially being childish and feel the need to hurt/anger/or frustate others and i never want to hurt the one i love.


" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

#198750 - 01/09/08 01:20 PM Re: looking for help w/o being told to post elsewhere [Re: thecoopstah]
Kathryn Offline

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303


If you're a reader you might try reading something on Schizoid phenamena -- though not as it's presented by the Psychological Association right now as they've split up Schizoid with Aviodant Personality trends.

You might try reading something by R.D. Laing, Winnicot, Guntrip, or Fairbairn -- or anything else by most psychoanalysts.

I'd recommend the divided self by R.D. Laing though it's not an easy read.

Anyway, the need to both keep someone close while at the same time retreating from them (or the need to create distance) is pretty common and often pretty profound with people who experienced early trauma.

There may not be any further triggers than closeness itself and the fear closeness creates.

Take care,

#198809 - 01/09/08 08:24 PM Re: looking for help w/o being told to post elsewhere [Re: Kathryn]
honey girl Offline

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Coop,
I have had the impression after reading your posts here for a while that you do have the most optimistic and hopeful aspirations about your relationship. At the same time, you often feel discouraged about your long-term prospects together, because you feel there's so much to work out.
I don't know how helpful this will be to suggest, but when you say
"i never want to hurt the one i love" [sorry I don't know how to highlight the quoted text]
I think that's a clue.
People are complicated. Emotions are (can be, at least) complicated. Sometimes I have found that the people I care about the most are the very same ones who make me the angriest or most aggravated. Sometimes I DO want to hurt them, then. Almost all of the time, I don't give in to my angry, hurtful thoughts. But that doesn't mean I don't get angry and feel justified in my anger, or that I don't love them, still, even when I'm angry. Even when they're totally obnoxious. Even when I'm totally obnoxious too, for that matter! It sometimes is a big, exhausting tangle.
We've gone through quite a bit, my BF and I, about all of this. It can be scary for both of us to get mad at the other: it triggers all our worries about being "too mad"--or not loving enough, not worthwhile enough. All of that!
I suspect those of us with abuse histories have a lot of trouble accepting complex and contradictory emotions, both within ourselves and with others. Yet they do happen, and they don't necessarily cancel each other out.
The two of you are in couples' therapy, right? Have you thought about talking about how you can tolerate these feeling states without getting flooded?
There's always the possibility that your feeling trapped or pressured is something you want to attend to, not ignore or dismiss. Maybe there are some imbalances in your relationship. Maybe there's something worth more thought. Feelings are not *always* reliable indicators for behavior, I have concluded, but if there's something troubling you about the relationship dynamic, this might be a way it would show up.
Best of luck to you, Coop.

I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

#199043 - 01/11/08 06:38 PM Re: looking for help w/o being told to post elsewhere [Re: honey girl]
thecoopstah Offline

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
You're so insightful and filled with wisdom beyond what you may or may not think.

I love lisa with every fiber of my being yet i can tell you we both validate and never ever dismiss or take away each others feelings because that is cruel and selfish and minimizing "ones" own feelings.

Asfar as therapy yes she and i are in therapy but not for couples,we see our own T's and lisa and i have great communication skills and our partnership is authentic in the truest sense of the word.

I,too agree being in a relationship is not easy but overall .


" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

#199094 - 01/12/08 01:27 AM Re: looking for help w/o being told to post elsewhere [Re: thecoopstah]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
You obviously love this woman very much. You said that when you're away from her, that you miss her and look forward to being with her. And all of us like alittle alone time as well, no matter how much we love another person.
You mentioned that you feel trapped and you hate to be the cause of her feeling uncomfortable, but it sounds as though you are uncomfortable as well. Could it be the closeness that you find irritating? My SO has frequently attempted to pick fights with me just to keep a physical or mental distance between us. He's also resorted to using my refusal to fight as a fight. I bring this up because it sounds as though you're angry at yourself for doing this and he gets the same way. Do you think she has expectations of you? i.e do you feel as though she expects conversation with you or expects a hug at the end of the day? This could be why you feel trapped or pressured. I would suggest asking her what she expects. It may well turn out that she doesn't expect you to do or say any specific thing. The only thing I really expect from him is respect. I respect him and his feelings and he should respect me and mine. Whether or not he hugs me at the end of the day has never been that significant between us. Sometimes he does, and sometimes he doesn't. It's great when it happens, but I can't say I've ever expected it.
Talk to her about how you're feeling and she may be able to help you work this out.
And Coopstah, you DO deserve to be happy.


#201633 - 01/27/08 02:34 AM Re: looking for help w/o being told to post elsewhere [Re: Liv2124]
Kodaleigh Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/24/08
Posts: 2
Loc: Minneapolis
Hi All,

#201640 - 01/27/08 03:34 AM Re: looking for help w/o being told to post elsewhere [Re: Kodaleigh]
mogigo Offline

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
hey Kodaleigh, you should post a "new topic" to say "hi", you might not be seen here tucked in the bottom of a post.

Welcome to MS



#201641 - 01/27/08 03:38 AM Re: looking for help w/o being told to post elsewhere [Re: Kodaleigh]
Kodaleigh Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/24/08
Posts: 2
Loc: Minneapolis
Sorry, about the previous post. I'm new at this, still trying to find my way around here. Coopstah, my heart goes out to you. I'm sorry the feelings you're having are so upsetting. Your words really struck me beecause these are the exact "push-pull" feelings my husband has described having in our relationship, that is, when he's not too ashamed of them to talk to me about them. He says that at times the level of our intimacy freaks him out and fear overtakes him. For him at least, it's the fear that I might abandon him one day that causes him to suddenly shove me away. Rather than suffer the anticipation of (what he fears at that moment will be) the inevitable, he'd rather just get it over with. So he tries to pick a fight with me or behaves angrily, as if I've already abandoned him. I know now that csa has left him feeling tainted at times, and angry, and righteously angry, that this affects his relationships 30 years later. I know he feels this way because he's taught me that.

None of this may apply to you at all. Like someone else said, relationships are tough for anyone. For real intimacy and closeness to occur, we have to make ourself vulnerable to the other person and that can be intimidating. It takes a boat load of courage. All of us have moments or days when we feel less than sure of ourselves and fear temporarily overtakes us.

In my humble opinion I think it comes down to developing enough trust in ourselves to know that we can handle whatever comes along. So that even if we are abandoned by a partner some day (through death or otherwise) we will be ok. We can survive.

As far as how you might approach your g/f - from my own experience I can tell you this... I find it incredibly loving when my husband sits me down to talk, takes responsibility for his behaviors, apologizes, and then has the bravery to entrust me with his innermost feelings about why he reacted the way he did. It helps us built mutual trust. It empowers him to teach me about what's going on and it helps me understand it's not about something I did so next time I don't take it as a personal attack. Instead, my reaction can be compassionate because I know he's struggling. And sometimes when he feels trapped it's not about feeling abandoned, it's because it's hard for him to say he needs to take a little time for himself. Knowing that, if he snaps at me for no reason, I can feel I'm supporting him by asking if he needs a little space.

I agree with Liv about the need for respect. I think talking to your g/f instead of trying to deal with it on your own and hoping it goes away, would be respectful for both of you. You shouldn't have to try to figure this out on your own. You deserve to be happy and feel supported. It's great you're reaching out for suggestions. I wish you the best!


#202040 - 01/28/08 05:37 PM Re: looking for help w/o being told to post elsewhere [Re: Kodaleigh]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi Leigh and welcome to MS. I was wondering about your first post, but after a new nano-seconds of thought, I decided it was just something that happened getting used to the board. Welcome again!

ROCK ON.........Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.


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