I've been reading a lot of posts today to help get my mind off of my feelings of depression which have been getting pretty intense. But I can't seem to do it without a lot of my own still unresolved issues getting in my face.
A big one for me is my sexual orientation. I am a bisexual and when i am with men i prefer anal sex, though whether i prefer top or bottom depends on who i'm with and how i feel at the time.
I don't want to trigger myself too much here, but i have CSA and was also raped again four years ago. Though i strongly suspect that as a kid i was probably made to do oral, i have no real memories of it...just a gut feeling that it happened. The only memories of CSA that are clear enough to even call memories are of being anally raped.
Yet somehow today i still enjoy being (sorry, the only word i know to use here is the f one) f* anally. Not that it doesn't sometimes come with triggers, it does, yet not enough to turn me off of it.
As hard as this is for me
to understand, I automatically expect this to be nearly impossible for most other people to understand, especially if they are straight.
I generally prefer people i don't know well and trust not to know about my abuse or
my sexual orientation, but if they have to know something, i strongly prefer them to only know about one or the other....not both. I'm afraid of what conclusions they will draw...that i wanted the abuse, or even that i made the abuse up, or maybe that it was the abuse that made me think i'm bisexual. I really don't know what most people would think.
I do know that when i was being raped as a kid i did sometimes feel pleasure and that that was one of the hardest parts of it all...not understanding and feeling like i must be even sicker than my abuser. After i got raped four years ago it was a long time before i could enjoy anal sex again, first because of damage to my anus but also because of the trigger factor.
One of the first times i tried it again i really freaked a guy out because i started crying uncontrollably while he was f*ing me.
Yet somehow i have got to where i enjoy it again.
This is really
hard to talk about. It's so confusing.
To admit that i like to get f*ed in the bum still makes me feel like somehow the nightmares I have been through with being anally raped are invalid---like all that pain and anguish from it could not be experienced by someone who is also capable of enjoying being f*ed in the bum. Even though i
understand it, the fact that i can't expect most other people to understand it is still a source of incredible shame and embarrassment.
I know that it is a completely different kind of pleasure than i feel being the top. It's a kind of masochistic pleasure that turns intense physical discomfort into pleasure, and most straight people can't begin to understand. I think that i would most likely be just as i am in that way whether i was ever assaulted or not, but it was the CSA that made me aware of it. Too aware. I believe the main reason that for years i repressed the memories of CSA was because i couldn't wrap my mind around the idea that i could somehow find pleasure in that sea of suffering.
Now all this is down in writing and i really am having a hard time with that submit button.
Alright....here i go....1....2....3
Sh*t! I pressed the f*ing button..now i want to undo it!
How can i get over this shame?!