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#200251 - 01/19/08 10:32 PM Thoughts on my life
GateKPR4 Offline

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
What a life. There is just so much that has happened I just don't know where to start. Growing up in an alcoholic home and being poor really took its toll on me. Being a makeshift dad at 14 was not what I had planed. Had a younger sister and two younger brothers. It was us kids that raised ourselves. My mom had to go to work when I was 12, she started the job right around my birthday. This is after I got back from Florida and had a new secret but it seemed not so important considering there were more important things to take care of. My dad pretty much spent all his time at the bar or home sleeping. Mom was working second shift so it was up to us to make dinner, make sure the kids were clean and in bed at a reasonable hour. It was not long before I was introduced t o pot, and discovered how to escape from reality. My older brother and his friends gave it to us. The days of playing normal 12 yo games were over. No more hide and seek after dark, no more raiding gardens, no more of anything productive. I left my normal childhood friends because they did not do drugs and I didn't want them to know I was. I hung out more with my neighbors because we all had alcoholics in the families and kind of just fit together. It not long before I started seeking older friends that had access to harder drugs and was also starting to be interested in women. I had a friend Lisa and we did our first trip together. We never became more than friends. I never could keep a friend and was always moving on, I never really felt like I belonged anywhere.
Even the party crowd just seem to use me as a mascot and I would be on the receiving end of many a joke. This was all before the age of 16. I was hanging out with some other kids from across town for a while, we would get high and go around steeling stuff and breaking into cars. Taking the emblems off the hoods of Mercedes, and Cadillacs, then go play on big wheels. What a messed up way to have fun. I don't know how I ever made it this far. Sometimes I wonder what if?
but that just seems to go nowhere. I had so many experiences from 12-17 I would have to write a book on it. I have lived a very, very, messed up childhood.

Edited by GateKPR4 (01/20/08 09:07 PM)
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
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#200274 - 01/20/08 01:25 AM Re: Thoughts on my life [Re: GateKPR4]
ericc Offline

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 1986
I can't say I know what your feeling, because I guess each of us has our unique experiences, but I had a lot of trouble with things all through my high school years (and troubles that took on a different shape, yet also similar, afterwards). In retrospect I see how hard it was for me to truly relate to others. I think subconsciously I was not allowing me to be myself as I was hiding things from myself and others.

I took to taking drugs and drinking for whatever reason, and I did a lot of petty stealing and other stupid things. I have no reason why, but I guess it filled some void. In the two years before I left for college I can't remember how many altercations I had with the law or was taken into jail, but it was a lot for such a short period of time (and I had a few issues and periods later as well). It was all pretty minor stuff, but I can say I don't even know what was driving my behavior (well I sort of understand better now I guess, but had no idea at the time); it wasn't like I was looking to achieve some 'bad kid' image or anything, I think I was just troubled. Yet on other levels I really was a good kid, but I had issues.

I have been reflecting on these times and one of the things I have realized pretty clearly is that when I was having the most fun or feeling the most positive emotionally was when I was making true connection with others or doings things that fell outside my normal routine of smoking dope or drinking or stealing or whatever (though I had times high or whatever when that more positive human element came in and that was good; I think the big thing was the positive human connection). I think at this point because I am pretty sure I had some major self-esteem issues, I didn't allow myself to have more of these positive experiences and I think I was just sort of surviving the way I was. And this is no knock on the people I knew back in those days, but I think I could have made some better choices; it had nothing to do with them but I think in a lot of ways I could have better spent my time. However, since things happened that put me in the place I was in, I don't know if I would have been capable of any other alternatives then. In retrospect I see I was really messed up.

I am not sure if this is of any help, but I thought I would share as I sometimes think about this stuff myself and I hope to work on being more open and allowing myself to have more of those positive experiences, and meeting and connecting with more people; I think I have grown some in this respect, but there is room for it to get better yet. I am also just glad I no longer need to fear altercations with the law and all the struggle that creates. That was just never the person I wanted myself to be.

#200303 - 01/20/08 03:10 AM Re: Thoughts on my life [Re: ericc]
weapher Offline

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Oregon
Thanks for sharing. I shared with my T last week that I was pissed off with the fact that my entire childhood, and most of my adulthood was ripped off from this a-hole who stole my childhood from me. And there is no getting it back. I wanted to go to college, I wanted to have a good career and family, I wanted to pursue my dreams. But every time I tried I was always brought back to the same hell hole in my mind and could not keep going.

I was abused from the age of 7 or 8 until I was 16 by one individual and had other incidences of abuse throughout my childhood. Near the end of my time together with my abuser he was trying to convince me to go to Thailand and participate in orgies and multiple partner "sexcapades" with him. He was a bisexual school teacher and lived next door to me. I finally tripped too hard at the age of 16 and freaked out on him. He was willing to pay for the trip and told me how well I would fit in there. He traveled there every summer break. Like you I was also heavily involved in drinking, drugs and illegal activity. Was arrested at thirteen for arson, 15 for auto theft, and age 11 for shoplifting. And that is when I was caught. Not to mention the times I wasn't.

I have never really shared my story on this forum or anywhere, (my wife doesn't even know the depth of it, just some small details) but I do also struggle a lot with my past and the choices I made because of my abuse.

The biggest struggle for me right now is "where the hell were you mom and dad?" Anyway, I probably shouldn't hijack your thread for my issues. Thanks for sharing and I appreciate that I am not alone in my struggles. I wish I could give you a word of encouragement, but I guess I just was able to say... ditto!


Facing the struggle makes you strong.

#200387 - 01/20/08 06:16 PM Re: Thoughts on my life [Re: weapher]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

This is one of the many things I appreciate about this place. One guys steps forward and talks about something difficult, and what happens? A few more come out and say "me too". It really is true: you're not alone!

Rick, you know what else is true? None of that was your fault, and the more you look I bet the more you will see what a great thing it is that you survived. About 25% of abused boys don't. They get done in by abusers, their flight into drugs and alcohol takes them over the edge, or they get into reckless behavior that goes bad.

So that's no small achievement, guys. Our little guys got us through the best they could, with no support, no one to talk to, and no resources or experience at all. I think that's an amazing wonderful thing. Yes, we have it all to look back on and cope with now, but if we could survive the abuse itself and everything that went with it, then surely we can handle the present challenges too.

I believe in all of you.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)


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