I am glad I was able to share a little of what my experience was. But I also feel some shame about some things. As I mentioned, I had a peer pressure me into engaging in sexual activities that I didn't want to do. Today, I can see clearly as to what transpired between me and the peer leading up to what happened. And I was completely thrown off by his suggestions and pressures (my heart felt like it dropped to my stomach) and didn't want to cross that line, which did end up getting crossed. The shame comes from knowing that there was physical pleasure derived from what happened, and that I reciprocated in the activities and allowed things to happen on a couple/few more occasions. As I said, I remember pretty clearly the exchanges and events leading up to what happened, but once the act started I can't really tell you today what I may have been feeling. I am sure there were all sorts of things running through my head. But I do feel shame/guilt/embarrassment that I then reciprocated what happened and became a willing participant there on out in regards to what was engaged in. I am sure it did a bit of a number on my head, because I can't remember the details of some of the following encounters or how it all came about; I have snippets of memories, but I can not see things clearly like I can see the initial exchange that led to what happened the first time.
Anyway, I also have a lot of shame as well in regards to the person I started to become around this time. I had some other difficulties in my life preceding the couple years before all this happened, but as best I can remember I was dealing with them and still hadn't lost that 'me' that I feel sort of disappeared eventually. Since I am dealing to a certain degree with a fragmented sense of when things exactly happened, I know I can't say for certain, but I am pretty sure things really turned for the worse after all this went down. Sometimes I think I am just looking to blame what I have been talking about here for some of the bad things I did and the person I became. Yet I really feel between this, and some of the other things that were going on in my life that I never asked for or wanted, it sort of makes sense. I know who I am deep inside, and although I have done stuff to hurt others, and I know that today I still am not perfect and make mistakes (I realize that is normal though), I really believe I never willful wanted to ever do anyone any hurt or harm. I guess I have a lot of issues tied up in so many things, and I really want to face them.
I have made some progress in that I have accepted that my drinking (I have been a drink to excess drinker almost from the start, which seems to have been about around when all this happened) was getting in the way of any emotional healing and growth. I hope to keep up what I am doing in that area. I am starting to open up and let people in a little deeper in my life. That part hurts maybe more than anything, the isolation thing. I always liked people, and I know I was a pretty likable person so it hurts to have built this wall up around myself. I have friends and all that, but I haven't really been genuinely true and open the way I would like to be for a long time. But I hope to work on making things better in that regard, and I think things have gotten better as of late, but there is more to go.
I know it is hard for me to accept exactly the nature of what happened, but no matter what I can say it has caused me problems and even when the memories were repressed, I think it fueled a lot of destructive behaviors in my life. Once I recovered these memories (along with a lot of other stuff I pushed back and repressed), I sort of fell apart. After that happened I started engaging in behaviors that I can really only describe today as attempts to suppress all these memories and try to forcefully remove them from my conciousness. But that took on its own shape of destructiveness and I finally learned after so much pain and insanity that it really didn't work, that these things needed to be faced. Anyway, I felt I needed share this to be more complete and open in regards to my story, though I know I need to explore it much further and deeper.