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#199887 - 01/17/08 06:12 AM Confused on what happened.
ericc Offline

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 1986
I found this site a little over a week ago. I have for a while been looking up abuse issue, and then finally threw 'forum' in with my search terms and found this site. Anyway, it hit me right away how much I related to everything I read.

I guess I really don't need to get into details yet, but I have had a hard time defining what happened to me, though I know it messed me up and has caused me a lot of problems. I can work on more details later.

The short of the story is that at about the age of 13 or 14 I had a friend spend the night who propositioned me for sex. My heart fell into my stomach and I said no. He pressured me with reasons why I should, and I continued to say no. He then turned it into a bet on a game, and I am pretty sure best I remember (and I remember this night pretty clear, though I somehow repressed the memories until I was 19) I didn't even agree but just started playing the game and hoped I would win so it would end. Well I lost, and for some reason I gave in. After this I think there may have been 2 or 3 more times when things happened.

All through high school, even though I can honestly say I don't remember ever recalling the memories of what happened (I really feel I repressed them somehow, even if it was the dope and alcohol that did it), my life was a wreck. And after I opened the flood gates of memories at the end of my first year of college (under the influence of lsd) I really feel apart. I have had almost all the problems people talk about here and what I have read about in the statistics, so I won't repeat it all right now.

Anyway, this happened over 20 years ago. I first shared it with someone 10 years ago, and had some therapy but it was obvious that I was still having problems. I finally realized I had some PTSD issues and got back into therapy a couple years ago. I have been able to share now more what has happened to me, and both individually and in a group setting I have heard back that this seemed more like abuse than experimenting on equal grounding. None the less, in the end I agreed to participate and have had a hard time defining what happened to me.

I really want to talk more and work on this stuff, but I will leave it where it is at for now. Not sure what I am looking for, but maybe just an acknowledgment that this could screw me up and that I don't need to just accept it as normal and something I wanted and therefore have no right to have been (and continue to be) hurt by. Though of course I don't want to hear it if that isn't true, so I guess any advice appreciated.


#199889 - 01/17/08 07:12 AM Re: Confused on what happened. [Re: ericc]
Scoutvictim Offline

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri

Welcome to MS, but I hate the fact that you need this place.

We all have many of the same troubles you described. You went through your trauma, and you know what it has done to your life.

One thing we try to stress here is to not compare our stories. Everyone here has been affected by CSA, (child sexual abuse) and we all understand. It does no good to say... "mine was worse than yours." So please feel safe here and post all you want.

You will find many men here to support you and offer some great advice.

Just don't give up on the ride down this "road" we call Recovery.

Welcome again,

Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

#199893 - 01/17/08 07:43 AM Re: Confused on what happened. [Re: Scoutvictim]
weapher Offline

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Oregon

thanks for sharing a portion of your life with us. I found MS on the 10th of December and it has been an awesome place for me. Just know that you will begin to share more as the need arises and the nice thing about here is that we all understand it.

I have been carrying my burden for 32+ years and and just beginning to take baby steps to dealing with the disaster I have created due to my struggles.

Long road but worth the journey.

keep talking


Facing the struggle makes you strong.

#199896 - 01/17/08 11:05 AM Re: Confused on what happened. [Re: ericc]
GateKPR4 Offline

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Welcome Ericc,
I too repressed my memories for 25 years. I really had a hard time defining what happened to me since there was a lot of mind games my abuser used to keep me off balance. You can read it in part 2 of my story in the survivor stories forum. It has been a new world for me since I opened up to my therapist about the abuse. Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing because I really don't know how to live without the shame, guilt, and fear. 25 years is a long time to be messed up and it's only been 4 1/2 years off drugs & alcohol.
3 months dealing with the abuse. This site has been a great help in helping me understand what happened to me and know that there are others out there that have had the same problems and feelings. We are not alone anymore.

I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
|| || || || || || |

#200009 - 01/18/08 02:23 AM Re: Confused on what happened. [Re: GateKPR4]
ericc Offline

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 1986
Thanks everyone. I hope to keep visiting the forum and learn from others and also to share more of myself. I think I can learn a lot more about what I have been through and the impact it has had on my life, and by sharing my experiences understand them better. I have opened up quite a bit this last year, and I am really hoping this year to have even more positive things in store.

One of the funny things I noticed is how a lot of people here have pictures of (I assume) themselves when they were younger. It was funny, because I often think of how I was as a kid and I was actually a pretty cool kid and had a lot of positive attributes. And then I think of the me that evolved after things went bad for me (the issue I have brought up being of major impact, but there were other things going on in my life as well that worked against my favor). In all honesty, I see I was a duality after things turned in my life. On the one hand the kid with all the positive attributes still existed, but on the other there was a darker me.

Anyway, one of the things I have brought up in therapy is that I I felt sort of ripped off of that me that once was. But I realized that he still existed and I was going to take him back and let him shine more than the darker me (actually, the worst of the darker me is long gone, but the guilt and shame of it lingers in my life and and is hard to shake). I look at old pictures of myself, and I hurt from what was lost. But then I also realize that no one had the right to squash the spirit of that part of me, so I am going to look back at who that person was, and let that person have the opportunity to grow more fully and play the more dominant role in my life. Maybe easier said than done, but I guess I feel that I know who I am deep inside and deserve better than life is giving me at the moment (not that it is totally bad, but there is a lot of hurt that is hard to let go of).

Anyway, I really want to keep working on this stuff, and appreciate the feedback.


#200014 - 01/18/08 03:01 AM Re: Confused on what happened. [Re: ericc]
Patrick Walsh Offline

Registered: 01/08/08
Posts: 22
Loc: PA
I'm new here. And I noticed the little boy pictures right away and I smiled. Because that's the real me. The little kid before it all happened. I'ts a reminder that there's a little kid inside all of us.
I have to get mine in my profile.

I'm a good person. I'm a good man. I'm a postive force and I will not be shamed.

#200015 - 01/18/08 03:09 AM Re: Confused on what happened. [Re: ericc]
MusicMan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/23/03
Posts: 146
Loc: Elmira, NY
Hi eric,

It's nice to meet you. Welcome.

From what you have experienced, I can assure you that you were a victim of CSA. I know that's not pleasant and I probably said that a little too boldly. However, my real intention is only to validate you thoughts and feelings. And you are definitely not alone.

In a way, I can relate to your story. Anyone who takes advantage of you sexually has abused you. You've made it clear that you did not approve of this contact, even though you went along with it. You were coerced and were an unwilling participant. I feel for you. And yes, it does wreck you.

Please know that I want only the best for you and I hope that you will find the support and comraderie that MS offers to help you heal.

God bless,
John, The Music Man.

#200135 - 01/19/08 12:59 AM Re: Confused on what happened. [Re: MusicMan]
Rob2008 Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/13/08
Posts: 5
Welcome Eric. I hope we will continue to learn from eachother.



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