Do you ever think,
"Maybe this isn't from the abuse?"
"Maybe it's because I really am whacked out."
I find myself thinking, "Is this really only
because of the abuse? Is this really me thinking this? Is this really my emotion? Well, who exactly is this "me" character, anyway?
"Maybe I'm just lookin for somethin to blame other than my self?"
Yup. Sometimes I think everything I do, reading books, therapy, coming here, going to Al Anon and SIA, is really just me trying to run away from "his" emotions and problems. But he always tags along anyway. I think Jeff (zadok1) has a tagline from Einstein about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
"Maybe being totally numb all the time isn't so bad after all?"
It does seem to have advantages, but maybe the long term disadvantages are too much. I really don't know. When I start the overwrought-->numb--> overwrought cycle, I appreciate the "down time" being numb a little more, I guess.
"Maybe your therapist ISN'T trustworthy?"
Oooh, I can't touch that one. I do think she's trustworthy, but maybe I don't trust myself enough to really dig into this stuff. I don't know. But that's a thought (she's not trustworthy) that I won't entertain.
"Maybe God/Allah/whomever intended things this way?"
I think He intended for the perps to have their own free wills. I think they abused that privilege when they chose to hurt us, whether they had been victims themselves or not.
I'm fortunate that the abuse was not related to church, religion, etc. There are times when it's only religion that keeps me from making things worse.
You probably posted hoping to see something more positive, and then I came along. I seem to be pissing and moaning all the time anymore. Sorry.