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#199852 - 01/17/08 02:39 AM New here
PeaceSeeker Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/17/08
Posts: 11
Hello all...glad I found this site. I am 30 years old, and a victim of SA both from my mother and from a male peer. I have been in recovery programs for some time - AA, SRA, SLAA, etc., and the time has come to begin facing and healing from the effect my past has on me in my life today.

I don't trust anyone, even my wife or myself. I keep friends at an arm's length, wonder when they will discover I'm shit, and always take several days to return their phone calls, if at all. I've lost most of my good friends.

I am very uncomfortable with intimacy, or when things are going well. When my wife shows me physical attention, I panic. When I show her physical attention, I feel guilty. Either way I leave the room mentally.

I'm obsessed with sex and act out compulsively on a daily basis. I'm changing this behavior slowly through SRA, but I feel that the core issues that cause it are not being dealt with.

I've been through intensive codependency workshops, therapy, recovery, but still keep coming back to feeling like I'm shit, don't deserve to recover, and zero trust. Always waiting for people in my life to screw me over. I'm even afraid to tell my story here for fear someone will read it and "get off" on it.

I have a therapist right now that I don't feel good about, I believe is pushy and crosses professional boundaries, but I'm terrified to end it. I need a therapist in the NYC area who understands the MS thing.

I'm tired of isolating, not trusting, and not ever having fun. Sick of beating myself up, escaping, raging, panicking, and not letting people in.

Thanks for letting me get that out.

#199853 - 01/17/08 02:46 AM Re: New here [Re: PeaceSeeker]
rcm Offline

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
Welcome. I wish you well and that you find peace.
THe therapist issue in particular seems to need attention.
There are knowledgable people here that I'm sure will be giving you input.

Prince Zuko: [looking at a map] How am I going to find the Avatar? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
Sokka: [cut to him, looking at the same map] You have no idea where you're going, do you?

#199856 - 01/17/08 03:13 AM Re: New here [Re: rcm]
Paul1959 Offline

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
I just sent you a PM. it's that goofy little blinking thing at the top of your screen! The best therapists with CSA are in NYC. I live near NYC and we gotta get you one you feel safe with.
Sorry you need to be here, but I can tell you, this place saved my life. This is the greatest bunch of guys in the world.

#199858 - 01/17/08 03:18 AM Re: New here [Re: Paul1959]
KENKEN Offline

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Glad you found MS

The help here is good for all of us survivors


From the Movie: Antwone Fisher


#199859 - 01/17/08 03:44 AM Re: New here [Re: KENKEN]
mvnforwrd Offline

Registered: 12/06/07
Posts: 216
Loc: NJ
Welcome peaceseeker,

Take your foot out of yesterday and your other foot out of tomorro or you will keep pissing allover today!

#199872 - 01/17/08 04:57 AM Re: New here [Re: mvnforwrd]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
Welcome Peaceseeker.
I am sure you will find the peace your seeking and the guys here will help a lot. Your not alone there are many here who understand your feelings your going thru. Rant, vent , cry, write and then do it all again. Other will give you feed back, and advice or just a word of comfort maybe. It gets better. Really.
Hang in there.


#199883 - 01/17/08 05:35 AM Re: New here [Re: Freedom49]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon
Hey there peaceseeker. Welcome. Hope you find what you're looking

Paul1959 can be trusted to give you some good advise and suggestions on Therapists in your area. You may also want to check our our "find a therapist" list linked on the home page.

Come on in and pull up a chair. We'll spin a yarn or two and somehow we'll help each other with the things that hurt the most.

Lots of love,


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#200075 - 01/18/08 03:21 PM Re: New here [Re: WalkingSouth]
PeaceSeeker Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/17/08
Posts: 11
Thanks everyone for the warm welcome. I'm reading the posts here a little at a time...there's so much I relate to and I can honestly only take it a little bit at a time right now.

I'm thinking I'm going to end my therapy over email. I was always told to be tough, and do things like that in person out of respect. But I know if I go in to end it in person I will just be persuaded to stay. Argghh. It's frustrating because in some situations I can be the toughest sob you've ever seen, no problem with confrontation or assertiveness. But when it comes to me standing up for myself in a time of emotion, vulnerability, or trust, I just become paralyzed with fear.

#200098 - 01/18/08 06:25 PM Re: New here [Re: PeaceSeeker]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1677
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Welcome, PeaceSeeker!

I am glad you found us.


When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

#200141 - 01/19/08 01:54 AM Re: New here [Re: alexey]
GateKPR4 Offline

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Welcome PeaceSeeker
Hope you find this place as helpful as I have.

I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
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