I can't stand it when my body starts to feel those feelings again. My mind races and I can't stop thinking about the past and how much I've lost. I feel like that eleven year old boy. I feel scared, my stomach feels sick, I vomit and I can't control my thoughts.
When I'm in that zone, I feel like running, but I can't anymore. There is no place to go. Starting over will not help anything. It will only make me regress and will only serve as a band aid to cover things up for a while.
I want to rip my skin off because I can't stand myself. Sometimes, the act of revenge is the only solace that I have. It makes me calm for a while. If I can only get revenge and then vanish...maybe I'll be calm and serene. Please God...I can't stand this shit anymore. I feel dirty and this stuff just festers inside and it doesn't go away.
Crying helps for a while. People just don't understand it. You guys understand. Thats what matters. You guys understand. Nobody else does. Fuck...this stuff hurts bad. I know it will go away. It's a process for me. I understand, but when it hits, man, it hits hard. Gotta stay strong. Thanks for listening, guys.