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#198384 - 01/07/08 02:32 PM Re: What's hearing about it like? [Re: Liv2124]
LittleMissL Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 42
Liv, I called it the 8,000 lb gorilla in the corner of the room becuase it felt so huge and suffocating!!! When I had confronted him about finding the chat rooms, and the gay sex site he commented that he thought it was due to what had happened to him years ago.

LandofShadow, I was lucky, my husband had made references to stuff happening to me before so I knew something had happened, I just didn't know excatly what. That night I finally told him it was time that we faced that 8,000 gorilla that was sitting in the corner. I was shocked when he told me that he had never talked about it to anyone. It was so hard on both of us. I remember feeling a lot of anger at this monster who could do such things to a little boy. I also felt sad and very uspet that my husband felt felt so guilty about what has happened and that he has been carrying all of that pain around inside by himself for so long. I think I also felt a tiny bit of relief that we had finally stood up and confronted that "gorilla" together.

Part of me wants to go out and find that guy so bad and just hurt him like he hurt my husband.

Someone else commented about after that first talk that things seem to shut down, yeah, that seems to be what I am experiencing. He knows I am here and willing to listen when he is ready to talk. The hard part is that I want to talk about some of the other things that have been going on but since they seem tied back to the original problem, I am scared to push the issue.

#198393 - 01/07/08 03:43 PM Re: What's hearing about it like? [Re: LittleMissL]
LandOfShadow Offline

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Liv2124, I burst out crying a few days ago when my partner started talking of all he has in common with a man whose wife was abused. Their marriage eventually ended as a result he said. My partner too thought it was him. I can know it's not my fault, but I feel so bad about myself like it is. I just want to hide from humanity for ever and ever, alone. After 16 years together, I'd sometimes rather not deal with it just so we stay together, that this will surely tear us apart. Or that he will surely leave me if I tell him what's really going on. This is why I'm kind of desparate to find someone else to talk to, and what I was originally asking about. When it's your partner/husband/wife, a whole 'nother bundle of snakes gets thrown in.

Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you

Paul Eluard

#199086 - 01/12/08 12:40 AM Re: What's hearing about it like? [Re: LandOfShadow]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Dear LandOfShadow,
Here's my theory on the "alone" thing, because he has said similar things to me. No one prefers to be "alone". As human beings, we crave and seek attention and affection from other people. This is human nature. But when someone takes advantage of that basic need, it leaves you in a position of not trusting affection of any kind because someone might take advantage of it again. This is why, as someone close to a survivor, you feel so much anger at the person who could do this to the person you love. He and I have been together over 20 years. He has, and frequently still does, pull away for weeks, months,even a couple of years at a time. He always came back, but with the expectation that we could start over from the beginning. In case you're wondering, this has never worked for him. He'd rather not deal with it alot of the time but that leaves him dealing with the effects of it ALL of the time. You can't effectively hide from your own memories. No one can. Our relationship actually improves when he talks about it, and gets worse when he shuts down. I would never leave him for telling me whats really going on, because he needs to tell it. After all this time I can sense when it's building for him and I'll usually be direct and ask him, "Are you going to tell me what's really bothering you?" He never actually lies. He'll pull away, but he never lies.
Do your best to keep communication open between you and your partner. What happened to you wasn't your fault but it wasn't his either. He obviously loves you very much because after all this time you are still together.

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