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#199069 - 01/11/08 10:38 PM questioning again, I thought I'd figured it out
mogigo Offline

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
In the last year I fell in love with a man, after 16 years of questioning my orientation I finally was able to say "yes" I love this guy, I just can't connect with a woman the way I connect with this guy. Emotionally I'm in love, intellectually I'm in love, but sexually I'm still triggered by nudity, guy or girl, it just throws me for a loop.

I met a gay guy in our support group and we went and had a beer, it was in the gay area and I was so comfortable and it was nice and great. Felt like home. There was nothing in terms of dating or such, I just went to have a beer with a guy I thought could be a friend. It's become an absolute disaster, constant phone calls, constantly trying to get me to meet him. He gave me a christmas card at our last group meeting, it had a big hunky guy on the front and when you opened it it was same guy with his d**k hanging out!!!!!!???????????. I'm at a sexual assault survivor group and I went home with XXX card, what the fuck!!!.

After much thought and with some advice from another survivor I thought "okay, my boundaries have been walked all over, I need to practice what I've learned, be strong and state my boundaries". So I did, hardest thing I've ever done but I did it. I said to him "nudity triggers me, the thought of sex triggers me, I have no desire to even think about a sexual relationship right now". I then asked him if he understood what I was saying and he said "no". He then asked me if I was "still gay". Holy fucking shit, I've never felt so invalidated in my whole life.

I told him "look, I'm just not interested in sex right now, when I think about men I'm attracted to the connection emotionally and intellectually but I have no desire sexually, and that goes for men or women, do you understand that". His answer was again "no".

So now here I am again thinking, okay, being gay means being sexually attracted to a dick. Apparently if I'm not obsessed with this guys dick then I'm not gay. Apparently my attraction intellectually and emotionally has nothing to do with my orientation. Please please please tell me that this guy is an idiot, tell me this is not what constitutes a gay man. I have no desire to have a relationship with a woman but if I'm not obsessed with a body part then I don't "qualify".

Please tell me what really constitues a gay man IS LOVE.




#199074 - 01/11/08 11:37 PM Re: questioning again, I thought I'd figured it out [Re: mogigo]
LandOfShadow Offline

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Yes, love is the key to being gay. I think we all know sex is kind of just sex without that heart connection.

So, this guy doesn't need to understand anything. He just needs to respect your boundaries, right? No XXX cards, etc. It's very, very simple. Jeez, he's just dead insensitive.

Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you

Paul Eluard

#199076 - 01/11/08 11:39 PM Re: questioning again, I thought I'd figured it out [Re: mogigo]
Lazarus Offline

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Mike, you've got it exactly right. There are many men in my life that I love without any sexual connection at all. Outside of my family, there are very few women. I connect with men, I understand them and I just plain like them more than women. That's what makes me gay.

Your acquaintance is an idiot. An insensitive idiot.


"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

#199227 - 01/13/08 12:55 AM Re: questioning again, I thought I'd figured it out [Re: Lazarus]
Nate Offline

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 100
Loc: USA
"being gay means being sexually attracted to a dick. Apparently if I'm not obsessed with this guys dick then I'm not gay. Apparently my attraction intellectually and emotionally has nothing to do with my orientation."

being gay is more than liking someone's dick.

as i read your post i have to say i can see where you are coming from. i think sexuality involves those intellectual and emotional connections. the problem i have is still w/ the sexual. for me that's a byproduct of love and attraction - one i'm not ready to experience.

being gay isn't just about sex - that's what i'm try ing to say and that's what i'm hoping the world will see. the type of relationship i want will value emotional and intellectual connection above sexual - it probably should be balanced...anyway - yeah it's not just about sex.

"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

#199233 - 01/13/08 01:53 AM Re: questioning again, I thought I'd figured it out [Re: Nate]
Bewlayb1 Offline

Registered: 08/04/07
Posts: 243
Loc: NYC
Hi Mike

I'm going through something very similar to you right now. And, I'm completely confused too.

I came out when I was eighteen. I remembered the abuse when I was nineteen, and found that I couldn't be gay. I felt too ravaged by sex to be anything. I'm twenty-six now. Recently, I've had crushes on men and women, but I met a man on New Years Eve and we've been inseperable since. He's the first man I've slept with more than once since the abuser. I like him. I care about him. He tells me he's falling in love with me, and I might be falling in love with him too. But I'm not sure yet, and I can't repeat those words back to him. They get stuck in my throat.

I notice beautiful women on the train, at work, in the street, and my face reacts with desire. I gaze at them. I admire their physical attributes. I fantasize of marriage and having kids. There's one woman in particular I think about very often.

As in your situation, this new guy wants to see me all the time and calls me all the time. I'm so used to being alone, it's kind of frightening. For now, I've surrendered to him. It feels like a rollercoaster, and I don't know when, or how it will end. Sometimes it's fun. Sometimes it's harrowing.

I haven't told him about the abuse yet. I haven't told him that I, like you, am not a sexual person. Sex means nothing to me. But reading your post, I do have one piece of advice. Just like you and I don't understand how sex can be so important, others, who haven't been abused, can't see why anyone wouldn't want it. It sounds like he was judging you. But you were also judging him. He doesn't think of sex as abuse like we do. He wants to satisfy himself, and satisfy you. If you tell someone, "I'm not sexually attracted to you," they are likely to feel hurt: man, or woman. Still, I know what you mean. It's just, not everyone would.

Gay men can love each other. It isn't only about sex. I am special to him, and he is special to me. If I wasn't sleeping with him, and we were both straight, we would probably be close friends. We had an instant rapport, and everyone around us disappears when we are together. That said, I don't know if I'll be gay forever either. And, I don't know if my scars and my doubts will ruin this.

#199415 - 01/14/08 03:10 PM Re: questioning again, I thought I'd figured it out [Re: mogigo]
rcm Offline

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
You are correct, loving a man goes way beyond his dick.
In fact, I'd say that if you can see beyond a man's dick and look at his character, personality, charm, insecurities and love that WOW you are so far beyond the usual superficiality and shalowness of the gay world.
I don' tthink there's anything wrong with gay men that love dick as long as they can go beyond that when appropriate.
Just my opinion if it helps.

Prince Zuko: [looking at a map] How am I going to find the Avatar? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
Sokka: [cut to him, looking at the same map] You have no idea where you're going, do you?

#199424 - 01/14/08 04:05 PM Re: questioning again, I thought I'd figured it out *DELETED* [Re: mogigo]
awakening Offline

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 342
Post deleted by awakening

#199430 - 01/14/08 04:57 PM Re: questioning again, I thought I'd figured it out [Re: awakening]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
I'll just have to reiterate "This guy is an idiot!"

You have made yourself very clear, yet he refused to understand your position and honor your boundaries. You are in a sexual assault survivors group and this guy is emotionally assaulting you. Please keep your boundaries and restate them as needed and if he will not honor them, is there someone in charge of the group that could do something?

I'm gay. I'm in a loving relationship for almost four years now. It's not about someone having a dick or not. Love is about how two people connect emotionally and physically, but the emotion comes first. Anyone can have sex, love is something different. It's very difficult to overcome the linking of sex and the abuse.

Take good care of yourself,


I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

#199470 - 01/14/08 10:53 PM Re: questioning again, I thought I'd figured it out [Re: awakening]
Patrick Walsh Offline

Registered: 01/08/08
Posts: 22
Loc: PA

It is possible to have intimace with another man without sex. Sometimes feeling very close can feel "erotic" and it can be OK. Mostly it depends on the two men. I"m straight and belong to a Men's support group, and I am awed at the sharing and intimacy. ALL of these men feel shame, and a certain disconnect from "other men", and a struggle to be the best "man" they want to be. And so far to the best of my knowledge, they have not been sexaully abused.

I think I am being accepted as someone who's willing to talk. To share. As someone who cares. More acceptance as a person than a man. I'm not a "man's man", but I am a person. And it seems to be working. I feel better each time I go.

That's my two cents


I'm a good person. I'm a good man. I'm a postive force and I will not be shamed.

#204433 - 02/10/08 01:53 AM Re: questioning again, I thought I'd figured it out [Re: Patrick Walsh]
dave999 Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 23
Loc: Canada
I have been trying to sort out whether or not I am gay, bi or hetero - I was abused by a female when I was a child and I have repressed it for my whole life - pretending it idi not happen - the whole issue was brought to light by my having very strong erotic urges to be with a male - I acted on these and subsequently got it touch with the abuse - I find that I am not physically attracted to men when I see them on the street - yet in fantasy and being with them I am attracted to their penis - when I have been with men - the most memorable times were the most intimate ones - the sex was not - I find it much easier to relax with men - yet I do not have close male friends - I am married and my sexual experiences with my wife have always emphasized the physical - without intimacy - I am so confused - certainly from the young age I was attracted to girls and did not have any experiences with men - now I have these urges to be with a male - is this me trying to connect with the male side of my being or is it me trying to negate my sexual orientation - so I have similar issues and am trying to sort my way through it all - why am I so strongly attracted to the male? Am I struggling to accept my sexuality? my sexual orientation or am I trying to embrace the male side of my being - you are not alone - take care, Dave

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