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#198975 - 01/11/08 04:57 AM Male Survivor 'Anniversary'
ak Offline

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
I wake up today, realize that yesterday, it was my 'anniversary' here. I been a member at this site here for 4 years. (Although more I read then post most of time). I was 18 years age and just some months out of the abuse when I first come to here. I was not so good with English, not that I am so great of it now. Actual, I knew it more then I had use it, so this site is been help in that also.

I am just now thinking, of what have change since I been here, and what I have learn since I been here. I just thought I would share it here, what I have learn. It do not mean it is what is 'right' or wrong or such, or what is for everyone to learn in healing. Just what have happen for me.

1. I have learned it was not my fault. None of it, none of the times, none of the abusers. None of it was my fault. I was the child. I was not in control of what happen to me then.

2. I have learn that I am in control of what happen to me now. And that what I do with my life now, it is mine and not on them. And that, if I do wrong with my life now, yes, it is my fault. Because I can not blame the past for my present behavior forever. Or I do not have future, yes?

3. I have learn that I am not alone. That I am never alone, in what has been done to me, in how I deal of it, in what my struggles of it still are. No matter how strange my thoughts or ideas are, no matter how strange my fears are, I know that someone else have them, share them and understand me.

4. I have learn to again feel emotion. I had shut off so long, to be just a 'robot' of emotions. I remember posting something here after being here a few months, about 'I cried today'. It had been years since I had feel that much. Now I sometime wish to not feel so much I do. But I remember what that was like, and I know it is much more importent to do it.

5. I have learn that there is some of 'me' that 'they' could not take away. I have learn that as damaged I am, there is parts of 'me' that they could not damage. That there is parts of 'me' that they never could even ever touch. And those are good parts.

6. I have learn to respect my 'radars'. I have learn to find some faith again in my instincts of people. Yes, sometime I will be wrong. Sometime everybody is wrong. It is just most people are not so aware of it because they have not been so hurt or betrayed in such way. Because I have, it would feel like much more 'big deal' if I was wrong in trusting wrong person again. Now it is not. It is annoyance. But it do not damage me as it use to. And if I feel instinct of to not trust someone, I do not make myself to try.

7. I have learn that I can protect myself. That is hard sometime, because sometime I still feel like the 11 year old away from home, with bad things happening and no family there to save me. I know that sometime I still feel and maybe even act like a lost child. But now, I am not. And I have learn to respect that I deserve safety. And I can provide of it for myself.

8. I have learn to some like myself. There is still much growing I must do, and much things of myself I am not as happy of them as other things. But that is part of life. What is it, that if you are so satisfied of yourself right away, what else do you have to do or learn in life, yes? So I am learning some more to like myself, and to appreciate some good things of myself. And to try to not 'beat on' myself for negative things so much.

9. I have learn to share with others, to trust them with some of most frightening and scarey secrets inside me. I have learn to even love some people, outside my family, something that I do not know I ever even had thought to be able to do.

10. I have learned that I am stronger, emotionaly and physicaly then I look, and then sometime I think. Just because I am 'softer' kind of person do not mean that I will not survive, and do not mean that I will not succeed. To estimate me is fine. To underestimate me, it is not wise.

To finish this, there is quote from Robert Frost that I think fit into this post, and this site:

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." -- Robert Frost

Thank you to all who have help me here, thank you for all who have shared of their lifes and wisdoms here, and I wish continued good luck to all the souls at this site.


#198979 - 01/11/08 05:13 AM Re: Male Survivor 'Anniversary' [Re: ak]
Lazarus Offline

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Andrei -

You are a very wise man, my friend. Your post is the most wonderful, inspirational and profound post I have ever read, and I have learned much from it. I have seen many of your successes in myself, and I still strive towards the rest of them.

English is no handicap for you, Andrei. Your writing in very good. Your meaning is very clear, and it gives me hope and courage and strength. Thank you very much for sharing this with us.

Very respectfully yours,


"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

#198980 - 01/11/08 05:15 AM Re: Male Survivor 'Anniversary' [Re: ak]
Scoutvictim Offline

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri

Wow... I am so proud of you for the lessons you have learned.

I am also impressed by your strength, on and off the ice. You have shown in this post that you are much smarter and wiser than the people who took advantage of you.

I think you may have also learned to look at yourself as the HERO.

I know I am seeing the HERO within you.

Happy annivesary, and I hope you will be around to help and share many more.

Luv ya,

Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

#198981 - 01/11/08 05:15 AM Re: Male Survivor 'Anniversary' [Re: ak]
Muldoon Offline

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Thank you for being here for all of us. You have brought a great wisdom with you and it shows in every post. I feel honored to know you and get to learn more each week in our Healing Circle.

I have never know of you speaking badly of others
and you have always helped us look at things from different direction which is very helpful. Thanks for being here.


Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

#198996 - 01/11/08 10:24 AM Re: Male Survivor 'Anniversary' [Re: Muldoon]

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 983
WOW it is hard to say how your post made me feel . But it definately touched my emotions



"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

#198998 - 01/11/08 11:30 AM Re: Male Survivor 'Anniversary' [Re: OKIE MIKE]
sabata Offline

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1950
Anderi-------------------This is such a great post----------------your insight----------strength--------hoping you the best in the world--------------steve

#199011 - 01/11/08 02:11 PM Re: Male Survivor 'Anniversary' [Re: sabata]
Paul1959 Offline

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
Congratulations on four years. If you ever need to remember what a wise, kind, amazing person you are, just come and read this post of yours again. You are an amazing guy. I am so proud to know you.

#199030 - 01/11/08 05:43 PM Re: Male Survivor 'Anniversary' [Re: ak]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

What a wonderful post. You have made a lot of progress, that's for sure. I know you will keep moving forward; as you say in your fifth point:

Originally Posted By: ak
5. I have learn that there is some of 'me' that 'they' could not take away. I have learn that as damaged I am, there is parts of 'me' that they could not damage. That there is parts of 'me' that they never could even ever touch. And those are good parts.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#199035 - 01/11/08 05:52 PM Re: Male Survivor 'Anniversary' [Re: roadrunner]
MemoryVault Offline

Registered: 03/02/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
That's beautiful, Andrei!

I didn't know you back then, but I see so much of that strength and understanding in you now, I know you've come a long way!


#199050 - 01/11/08 07:20 PM Re: Male Survivor 'Anniversary' [Re: MemoryVault]
TJ jeff Offline

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3594
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Congradulations Andrei

and a Thank You to you too - for I would not even be here if not for you

to all... - Healing really is possible - there is no guidlines - no timetables - and it's sometimes a painful road to follow - but it really is worth it - I would not trade my life today for my life of the past - not for ANY amount of money - even though there are still many struggles even yet today...

Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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