I'm extremely tired, so I'm not going to write as much as I need to. I met someone. He's thirty-four, I'm twenty-six. I've never been in a relationship before. We met on New Years Eve and we've spent five of the last seven days together. So many things are rushing through my head, and I feel so many emotions.
I glance at women, and feel sad. I think of the last girl I liked, and wonder if being with her could work as well as this.
Sometimes, when he's naked, things come to my mind about the body of my abuser. He was approximately the same height and build: tall and muscular. And during sex, there are things we do that make me feel...I don't know. It just brings me back to those years of rape. But only for moments, flashes. I don't know.
I feel guilty because I don't want to hurt him. I want to be with him, and I miss him now. But there's this uneasiness in my stomach. And I want to be alone sometimes too. I went home tonight instead of spending the night again.
He has had mental problems. He was a drug addict: but not now. He has a temper, not with me, but when someone brushes him the wrong way, he doesn't let up. He came from a wealthy family. When his parents died, he had a breakdown and lost everything.
If he wasn't troubled, I wouldn't want him. I've always fallen for people who were as hurt as I am. That won't change. That's neither positive or negative.
On the train today, he was talking about a guy that looked gay, but was denying it to himself. I said, some people may be gay, biologically, but they don't know it, and can live a perfectly content life without knowing it. This prompted him to ask if I was bisexual. I frowned and felt very sorrowful. I shook my head, no. But, then I told him that my life has been dark too: as dark as his. I almost told him about the sexual abuse. I couldn't get the words out. He dropped the issue when he saw that I was upset.
When should I tell him? I'm so happy, but I'm so afraid. I want to tell him, but I don't want to make him sad. I wish I wasn't such a mess, but then there wouldn't be such a strong connection between us.