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#198000 - 01/05/08 10:32 AM New here.... and a question at the end
LittleMissL Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 42
First off, I am new here, and just knowing that I now have a place where I can turn too and talk with others going through what I am is just...a huge relief. OMG, I have been in such a roller coaster lately that finding this place is just incredible.

Over the years, my husband has alluded to sometype of childhood sexual abuse but he never talked about it with me. Since he seemed so comfortable making refrence to something happening, I made the mistake of assuming that he had talked about what happenend with other people. Yeah, I know, never assume.....

Anyways, we have had some bumps this past year or so and a lot of things came to a head about a month or so again. He would get withdrawn and indifferent with me and even more uncommunicative then normal. To be honest, I thought he was having an affair. When I got suspicious, I started doing some snooping and found a lot of things that threw me for a loop. Memberships to chatrooms that I knew nothing about, and one site that catered to hooking up older men and younger men, and he had been exchanging messages with men there.

Needless to say I was really upset and in shock over a lot of what I found. Later that day I confronted him with everything. He tried to deny a lot of it, but I told him, that I had seen everything, and why was he going to a site like that??

He was upset and admitted that he really didn't know why, and that he does it when he gets upset. Part of it was his (in his mind) a way of getting back at them for what happenend when he was a child. He claimed he went there to screw around with them and get back at them. How is giving them what they want (atlking about sex) getting back at them?? Since he had opened the door about the abuse, I finally got up the nerve to ask about what happened when he was a child. To my surprise, he told me that he has NEVER told ANYONE what happened. He has been carrying this around inside him for over 30 years, letting it sit and fester. I finally got him to talk a little about what happened. I still can't beleive he has carried that burden all by himself all these years.

Hopefully, he and I will be starting therapy in the next week or so.

Maybe becuase he has alluded to it over the years, the fact that he was a victim of abuse hasn't been as upsetting to me now that I have gotten him to talk about it as much as the online stuff has. the other day he thought I was upset about the fact that it was so hard for him to talk about what happened. I told him I understand that, but that it is his whole secret life on line that has me so upset and the sexual aspect of what he was doing on line.

Now for the question, is it a common thing for adult male survivors of CSA to turn to the internet looking for online sex with either men or/and women?

Sorry things are a little rambleing, this is still so hard for me to try and talk about

#198007 - 01/05/08 12:57 PM Re: New here.... and a question at the end [Re: LittleMissL]
GateKPR4 Offline

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Welcome to MS LittleMissL,
I think its different for everyone who has been through csa. We all have been abused in different ways and react different. There are however certain things we all seem to have in common. We feel guilty, shameful, and fear about the abuse.
We often blame ourselves for what happened which adds to the shame and guilt.
Some of us think we were willing participants when actually we were manipulated or forced. There are many stories here and you may find some helpful in understanding what we have been through.
It will be a long journey in recovery. The only advice I have as a survivor to you is make sure you take care of yourself. Don't become enmeshed in this and become lost yourself. Believe me you will know when you are doing this because you will start to feel like your going nuts.
It's good that he has opened up to you thats a start. It is his choice although he may not feel like he has one at this time. I know for many years I didn't think I had a choice and didn't discover I did until my therapist helped me understand just what happened to me.
it can be very complicated and frustrating dealing with csa. I wish you well on your journey.

I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
|| || || || || || |

#198031 - 01/05/08 04:20 PM Re: New here.... and a question at the end [Re: GateKPR4]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi LittleMiss and welcome to MS.

To answer your question, I don't know if it's common, but it certainly isn't unusual. The internet provides so much wonder, but so much awful crap at the same time. It's much easier for someone to go on-line to search out fantasies and find them. It can be done in the privacy of one's own home and never leave the computer screen or a hook up on the outside can be arranged. This wasn't possible many years ago when you actually had to put your physical being in harm;s way if you were looking for something you shouldn't, but now it's only a few key strokes away. The potential for danger is certainly still there once you leave your home, but it's easier.

I know this first hand because my b/f did it and it wreaked havoc on my whole existence.

I have to run for now, but I'll be back. I'm glad you found us LittleMiss.

ROCK ON...........Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#198087 - 01/05/08 10:01 PM Re: New here.... and a question at the end [Re: Trish4850]
LittleMissL Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 42
Gate, It's tough but I have only pushed him to talk just the one time. I hated that I felt that I was almost forcing him to talk about what happened but then again, the fact that he has mentioned a couple of times in the past that something happened seemed to be his way of asking in an indirect way for help. It hurt me so much seeing how much pain he has carried around inside of him for so long alone but at least now I am able to help carry some of that. At this point, I will leave that part of things alone and let the therapist deal with discussing it unless he wants to bring it up himself. AT least he knows I love him, and that I am here for him.

Originally Posted By: Trish4850

I know this first hand because my b/f did it and it wreaked havoc on my whole existence.

Thank you Trish!! You don't know how much that helps me to hear. Wreaked havoc on my whole existence is a great way to put it. It has shaken me to my core. I never dreamed that he was getting so involved with this stuff on the internet. Since I work the midnight shift and he works days, he has a lot of time at night when I'm not around. Too much time I guess.

He's removed a lot of the chat room programs and links from the computer. Now I just hope he is able to stay away from it all.

Thanks for the welcome and advice, I have a feeling I will be here a lot in the next few months.

#198091 - 01/05/08 10:16 PM Re: New here.... and a question at the end [Re: LittleMissL]
evanesence Offline

Registered: 12/08/07
Posts: 119
replace all those links with the one for this site ,getting him to come here is the best thing you can do for him .

#198093 - 01/05/08 10:34 PM Re: New here.... and a question at the end [Re: evanesence]
sabata Offline

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1950
i dont have any advise-but reading this brought tears to my eyes-i know the pain------------------and keeping it in for years-----------------------------maybe you mite be able to get him to come here--------------and realize he is not alone------------------my best to you-------steve

#198132 - 01/06/08 04:47 AM Re: New here.... and a question at the end [Re: sabata]
LittleMissL Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 42
I have sent him the link and I am pretty sure he's checked it out. It is at least a start.

#198134 - 01/06/08 04:51 AM Re: New here.... and a question at the end [Re: sabata]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon
Hi LittleMissL,

Welcome. Glad you found us, but so very sorry for your need to look.

To answer your question, I'd say it is fairly common though not universal by any means. As Trish says, it becomes so easy to hookup in this manner through the internet. I recently did an experiment to see exactly how easy. I set up a bogus account on a popular social networking site. Within 48-72 hours I had nearly 40 responses, nearly half of which were specifically asking for either cybersex or actual hookup in real life. I replied to none and closed the account.

There is a lot of collective wisdom as well as compassion here on this site. Come on in and get acquainted with us. We'll be happy to help lighten your load in any way we can.

Lots of love,


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#198198 - 01/06/08 02:28 PM Re: New here.... and a question at the end [Re: LittleMissL]
Olive Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 16
Loc: New Jersey
Hey Little Miss
I went through the same thing. Found evidence of gay porn on our computer, and almost went crazy. It took a long time for me to understand he is without a doubt absolutely straight and that being with a survivor I take on a lot of challenges I never had to deal with before. I mean, don't most hetrosexual men gag at the sight of gay porn? So who was I married to? I happen to have a husband who will occasionally open up, especially when he's drinking, and it ends up he himself was tormented by being drawn to gay porn, wondering why? and if he could possibly be gay even though we have a great sex life. He couldn't talk to me about it so he just went through hell by himself until I caught him. It's all so complicated and an example of how screwed up his abusers made him. They made him think he wanted it, that's why they did it and he believed them. He was just a little boy, geez! Anyway, until I learned more about the effects of sexual abuse I was freaking out on a regular basis. I'm feeling much better now.
It's good you guys have started talking about it, it's so much better for both of you to get all this out in the open. Easier said than done right?
Hang in there, it's gets better.

#198201 - 01/06/08 03:08 PM Re: New here.... and a question at the end [Re: Olive]
LittleMissL Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 42
Olive, thank you for sharing that with me. My hands are shaking right now while I type becuase that is exactly how I was feeling and thinking when I found this stuff. My husband is straight, why is he looking at gay porn? There is this part of my husband that seemed like a total stranger to me.

I wish he would talk to me more though. There are so many questions I have, but I am scared if I ask that I might lose the progress that we have made so far. I am patiently (or at least trying to be) waiting until we can get some appointments scheduled with the therapist and then deal with things there.

It figures, the therapist that he wants to try has been on vacation since Christmas. ARGHHHHHHHH. Hopefully he is back this week.

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