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#197626 - 01/02/08 04:02 PM Pretending to function

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
First this is not a rant nor am i venting, i am doing something i never thought id ever do. I am opening myself up to ridicule and letting people see all my weaknesses and pain.

From some of the reactions i have got from people on this site, it seems that i am pissing some people off and annoying others. Some of you have helped me and some have tried to help, to them i am so grateful and to the ones i have annoyed i am sorry.

I was abused by a pedo ring that my stepdad helped run, this started when i was about four years old and did not stop until i got out and joined the army at sixteen. Not only was it sexual but also emotional and physical abuse.
I sit here at my computer and a voice is shouting in my head, that this is a waste of time. Why should they care about you, you are nothing to them. You are tainted and broken. I live with these thoughts every waking minute of everyday. I dont want anyone to feel sorry for me. Pity is something i cannot stand. I have been on medication for the last three months and two weeks ago i stopped taking the meds.
The meds did not help in fact they made things worse. I told the doctor this but all he kept saying was give it time. I have asked him to try somthing else, but he does not seem to be bothered.
I am seeing a counselor who has been my rock, he has kept me together and picked me up when i have fallen. He keeps trying to get me to look outside myself and reach out to people.
I find it extremely hard to connect to people im always thinking the worst. If someone talks to me or is nice im always thinking what they want from me and people scare me. I agree with my counselor that im becoming isolated and shut off from society. I hardly leave the flat anymore and when i do i panic.
This is tearing me up inside, once i was a soldier for over seven years. In that time i was awarded a medal and several times mentioned in reports. For my actions under fire and given promotions for my actions from northern ireland to the gulf. Now i sit here in my flat with the windows shut the blinds pulled down. I listen to music because it shuts out the noises from outside.
I sat my wife down on sunday and we talked for ages. I admitted to her that im bi, she asked me if im this way because of the abuse or was i born this way. I could not answer her, i dont know.
I once looked at emotions and feelings in others as a weakness, now im the one with emotions and feelings that i cannot control.
My wife tells me that she sees the little me a lot. I have temper tantrums and i get very defensive when im talking about my feelings.
I see so many posts here that i want to answer and when im in chat i want to talk but clam up. All the fears and paranoir come crashing down upon me. I hardly sleep more than a few hours a week. The nightmares keep me awake and the flashbacks keep frying my head.
When i first came to this site i dissasociated a lot and would lose time. Now with the help of somebody who is not on this site i am able to control them, well sometimes. Other times it hits me and i cant do anything about it.

This is what i go through in a day.

Scared most of the time.
Paranoid about almost everything.
I cry and if im not crying im on the verge of crying all the time.
Angry all the time, it just builds and builds
One minute im ok the nexted minute everything is crashing down on me.
Sometimes its like there is two of me inhabiting my head.
I have put a clock in every room as i lose time and need to know were i am and what time/day it is.

Im trying to get a grip on things, i dont want to live like this anymore. I want to go out and enjoy life. All i ask is if i annoy you or act wierd. Please forgive me, i switch from being happy to sad and angry like turning on a light switch. I go from me to little me like you change the channel on a tv.
If any of my actions are causing anyone any problems then i will stay out of chat and leave this site.

Thankyou for taking the time to read this post.

#197629 - 01/02/08 04:51 PM Re: Pretending to function [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
mogigo Offline

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey Seven, you won't find any pity here, just understanding. Sometimes they feel like the same thing but they're not.

I have the same feelings you have alot but as time goes on and no one on here voices what I'm thinking it gets less and less. I doubt your bothering anyone Seven, certainly not by feeling what most of us feel or have felt.

Stay strong


#197676 - 01/03/08 01:30 AM Re: Pretending to function [Re: mogigo]

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298

Thankyou for taking time to answer this post.

I think the non answers have answered my question.

#197681 - 01/03/08 02:02 AM Re: Pretending to function [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon
Seven Arrows,

Your post not only describes you, there is or has been some, most, or all of that in nearly every one of us who post here. Those of us who've been on this pathway a while now can recall many of those very things you describe as being part of our everyday lives for years on end too.

I say that, not to evoke pity from anyone, but to let you know that what you describe yourself as being is not abnormal for men who've been through what we've been through.

It sounds like your counselor is quite good, perhaps you could get another referral from him/her for someone to prescribe different meds. 3 months is quite long enough to build up a blood level of the meds. It sounds as if the Doc just didn't want to listen to you. Get another opinion.

Things do get better over time. It took a whopping long time for me, but I finally managed to get to the place where the emotional pain doesn't occupy every waking minute.

Hang on, Friend. We'll be here to support you on the journey.

Lots of love,


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#197692 - 01/03/08 03:23 AM Re: Pretending to function *DELETED* *DELETED* [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
GeorgeMartin Offline

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 207
Loc: USA
Post deleted by ModTeam

#197702 - 01/03/08 04:13 AM Re: Pretending to function [Re: GeorgeMartin]

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 983
7 I do understand your frustration . I am a home body and my wife likes to visit . This is something that causes strain . But I need time alone as well



"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

#197719 - 01/03/08 05:40 AM Re: Pretending to function [Re: OKIE MIKE]

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Thankyou to everyone who answered.

I just want this to stop. I hate this word, but i want a normal life. No triggers, no did, no mental health problems, but most of all no memories.

Just to forget it all even for one day.

#197817 - 01/04/08 05:44 AM Re: Pretending to function [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
utterrage34 Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1
Loc: Kansas
I can relate to the things that you say. I have been in the law enforcement field for 6 years now. Yesterday was the first time I admitted to myself aloud that I was abused, and I am a survivor. For the last 30-some years, I have gone through life with so much pain, hate, anger, rage, distrust. All of these emotions came out at one time in mid-December. I ruined the greatest friendship, and relationship that I have ever known. How can I trust anyone when the people that I trusted then, the people who were supposed to protect me, love me, nurture me betrayed me? It wasn't until my friend had me admitted to the hospital that I began to come to terms with it, and begin my healing process. I have pretended to function on such a level that that was all I knew. I threw everything I had and everything I was into my career. At least there, I could have a perfectly good reason not to trust anyone, and it kept me busy. It allowed me to continue to run away, to hide, and not face the reality of my abuse.

All of the turning away, and pretending that it didn't happen has ruined every aspect of my life that I tried to build. I am now, still, in love with the woman who had me admitted. I will be eternally grateful for what she did for me. Without her, I would have continued to pretend that everything was fine. At my therapy today, my therapist asked if I would like her to join for a session. I was utterly terrified, but I wanted to share this with her. She agreed to be there, and she did show. Throughout the session, I have only told her pieces of the abuse that I had suffered. My therapist described to her the things that I do to keep the people that I love and care for the most away from me. Looking back on my life, I see that she was right.

I hate them for what they did to me. I am filled with such anger and rage, that it scares me to think about it. I hate them because I will be alone for the rest of my life.

It's so damn hard to trust.

Edited by utterrage34 (01/04/08 05:48 AM)

#197894 - 01/04/08 07:38 PM Re: Pretending to function [Re: utterrage34]

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298

First welcome and i am sorry you have the need of this site. Yes i can understand your anger and hate. I have felt nothing for most of my childhood and adult life.
The rage, hate and distrust has built in me and i came very close to destroying my own marriage. Its still on very rocky ground. Since leaving the army i have gone into hospital twice, once as a voluntary patient and once as a sectioned patient this ended up in a stay in a prison hospital.
As you did i put everything into my career, always trying to be the best at the job i did. I look back on my childhood and all the years i was in the army and i dont have any person who i call friend. I did not let anyone get close and still have problems with letting people in.

I would like to take this post and not just say a big thankyou to all that have answered, but also apologise to all who have been in chat over the last few days. I dont know if its because ive stopped the meds or if its because i have been having some major problems in my life. There is one person on this site who i talked to in chat and he gave me the courage to tell my wife that i am bi. To this person i say thankyou and she has took it very well.
I know i can rub people up the wrong way and i am silent a lot in chat.
Im sorry im just all over the place and trying to find out who i am. I hope you can all put up with me and forgive me for being a mess.


Seven Arrows/Backspin


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