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#197108 - 12/29/07 08:34 PM Feeling Insignificant
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
I just feel a need to vent.... Every now and then the reality of this situation catches up to me and it feels surreal. Sometimes I feel as though I'm watching all this unfold from somewhere else.
I'm sure that I love this man. This I am sure of. I can't imagine starting over with someone else. But sometimes I feel like I'm "stuffed in the closet", for when he needs me, and nothing else. He comes and he goes and I'm sure that he never considers my feelings at times.
I'm not sure what to do... Part of me wants to let go...
I could benefit from hearing from other surviviors, or partners who have been where I am now.

#197111 - 12/29/07 08:50 PM Re: Feeling Insignificant [Re: Liv2124]
sweet-n-sour Offline

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Liv2124:

I don't believe I've ever met you or responded to any of your posts thus far, so welcome.

One major step regarding this is to communicate your needs. Of course he is not going to consider your feelings because it is difficult for most men (male survivor or not) to read exactly what makes a woman tick. Just the same as we all come here to try to figure out the complexities of the men we are with surrounding the csa issues, they are just a clueless as well.

What are your emotional needs? What are your objectives to grow as a couple together??? Are you on the same page regarding your views on important issues that all couples face?

Talk, talk, talk about it with him. I'm afraid that's the best I can do and when communication is open, I can hear the birds singing and all seems well within the universe, when there is a lack of, it feels as if we are on different planets entirely.

Best wishes and good luck,


"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

#197128 - 12/29/07 10:43 PM Re: Feeling Insignificant [Re: sweet-n-sour]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Thank you for your reply, it's nice to meet you too.
He and I have been together, and apart, for a long, long time. Every once and awhile, it does get to me, the distance. I would prefer, even if we can't be close, to be "somewhere in between". Recently, things had been going well. He was seeing a therapist he seemed to like. I don't know. Things fell apart. Something the therapist said or something he read, (the therapist gave him articles to read) really freaked him out, and he hasn't been back to see him. He makes comments at times...
I guess, in thinking about it, it's the dance I can't stand. If he's freaked out, why doesn't he say so? It's not as though I'll drag him kicking and screaming back there. (Even though I know, it's his only way out of this) No, we have to do the dance, the distance, the avoidance, and start over. I'm too old to start over, and I'm getting tired of sharing the room with the 800 pound gorilla.
If I didn't love him, this would be easy. I would've walked away a long time ago.
Thanks again for listening.

#197138 - 12/29/07 11:37 PM Re: Feeling Insignificant [Re: Liv2124]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi Liv,

I don't know what to say. After 20 years, you've been through it all with this man. Could you really pick up and cut ties after all this time? Do you want to? Would you be better off? I guess those are the heart aching questions you need to honestly answer for yourself.

On the brighter side. You have been with him for 20 years and he with you. That alone says a whole lot. If the exhaustion is setting in, then take a rest and just "be" with yourself, with your family, with your friends, but just enjoy who you are and the things you've accomplished in life and don't even ask yourself any of those heart aching questions until you're strong enough to face them.

As SnS said though, talk, talk talk. You're entitled to your feelings. You certainly do not deserve to be "stuffed in a closet for when he needs you." You have needs that have to be met and that should not be trumped by his issues at every turn. You deserve it.

I've been with my guy for 6 years and at times I've felt what you're feeling too. It stinks to high heaven, but I've taken the time to re-energize myself and been able to face another day. It's far from all bad, so it's worth it.

ROCK ON..........Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.


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