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#196604 - 12/25/07 07:01 PM Dont know what to think...
arozork Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/24/07
Posts: 16
Loc: Massachusetts, US
When I was a kid, while i was being molested i used to go to my dad's house (my parents were divorced) for the weekend. Now I have all these thoughts in my head. Now I think about it, and the way I acted as a kid was not normal. At least thats what I think. I have never seen a therapist to tell me otherwise. Now this is so hard for me to even think about it. Every Sunday morning my stepmother used to go to my room and used to tell me to go to my dad's room. I used to get into bed with my dad and lay on top of him. I remember laying on top of my dad and kiss his chest and stuff, in the meantime I used to get aroused.(age of 5-6) Now I'm just pissed off because that it just not normal. Would he see that? Kissing him in a weird way?(In a sensual way I dont want to get graphic) Wouldnt that been a "Red" flag to think that what i was doing was not normal. This is just one incident out of many. These thoughts have been very hard for me to think about that. But again he probably thinks I dont remember. Why was wasnt my stepmom there? Why was I under the bed covers? Why did nobody enter the room while this was going on? Why? I dont know how this initiated. I havent lived with my dad since the age of maybe three, and I moved from where he lives about the age of 14. He just calls maybe once a month and talks for about 10 minutes. My dad is very quiet, like he's hiding something. I just wanted to get this out of my head and chest. I do not want to think of that my dad did something.
I'm trying to get thoughts out little by little since I dont talk to anybody about what happened to me.

#196640 - 12/26/07 07:38 AM Re: Dont know what to think... [Re: arozork]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1677
Loc: Moscow, Russia
arozork, I think the abuse started when your dad took you in bed for the first time. Hang in here. Alexey

When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

#196644 - 12/26/07 10:52 AM Re: Dont know what to think... [Re: alexey]
dancr6 Offline

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
I don't like giving direct advice but in this case I believe it would be wise to get a therapist to help you sort out these fragmented memories. Dealing with early,Pre-verbal memories is difficult and easy to mispercieve. I remember the confusion of fragments being recalled and how a therapist helped me make some sense of them. I doubt that many people can see themselves objectively enough to go it alone.

I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

#196709 - 12/26/07 09:37 PM Re: Dont know what to think... [Re: dancr6]
mvnforwrd Offline

Registered: 12/06/07
Posts: 216
Loc: NJ
I would bet that the kissing the chest was something you possible saw at a young age and to you at that time was something "normal". You are right to say he should have had a red flag raised. That was his duty as an adult to put the red flag up. He was the adult that new right from wrong. You did nothing wrong it is not your fault. As far as Dad goes he probably is hidding in his own shame and guilt if he has any.

Take your foot out of yesterday and your other foot out of tomorro or you will keep pissing allover today!

#196855 - 12/28/07 12:05 AM Re: Dont know what to think... [Re: mvnforwrd]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

My own first thought is that your father of course should have noticed that something was wrong and should have done something about it. But at the same time it's vital that you understand that you did nothing wrong here. As soon as you can, I hope you will try to speak with a therapist about this and your other abuse issues. It really does make a huge difference.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#196952 - 12/28/07 03:09 PM Re: Dont know what to think... [Re: roadrunner]
AndyJB2005 Offline

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1249
Loc: Minnesota
Like someone told me once in another thread, some people are just not open enough to see the red flags. It's not something they want to think about so they're not as attuned to the flags as perhaps a survivor would be. \:\(

I'm sorry about what happened to you. \:\(

Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

#198024 - 01/05/08 04:00 PM Re: Dont know what to think... [Re: AndyJB2005]
arozork Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/24/07
Posts: 16
Loc: Massachusetts, US
I just wanted to take a minute and say thanks for your responses. Your comments/advices help a lot. It helps to see other people's point of view. See you later.


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